I want summer to end

So for anyone who noticed, the last post was post 200.
I didn't want to ruin the mood and say that on the post, but like it matters anyway. Nothing happy ever seems to matter.

I'm sorry, that's yesterday's pessimism showing through. I'm having an unhappy sort of day. There's a storm outside, loud thunder, lots of lightning. I'm sitting on my bed watching it with a cup of sugar cookie tea, just watching the raindrops hit the window. The city looks so dismal and cold. It looks cold. The train keeps passing, it looks cold as well. It's 82 outside, but you'd never know. It reminds me of Windsor in wintertime. A scene frozen in memory, bits of snow flitting across the street in gusty swirls as we passed Devonshire Mall. A strange thing to remember, but the sky was that same dismal grey, but there was something almost...wonderful about it. It was almost Christmas then, with lights and decorations scattered throughout the city. Maybe that's why I like that memory. As I look out towards the foggy buildings of downtown Chicago, I can almost picture the same chilly cold of November.

But things are never as they seem. It's warm once I leave my cold little window-nook. There are no Christmas lights, no stray snowflakes, no magic to today. All of it is simply in my imagination, as the most wonderful things always are.

Currently listening to: Breathe Your Name by Sixpence None The Richer. This song too. It's in the memory of home.

incandescently happy [in-can-des-ent-lee hap-py] - adj.

1. A state of bliss beyond normal or average happiness, reserved only for special occasions

2. Alexx's current emotional state

<33

Ammendment

I forgot the last bit of the post.. but it's still a part.
See, the only thing about flirting with Ben is sometimes I say things. I think they fit, but then he either laughs at me and I feel a little stupid or he says something teasing about it and I feel really stupid. I guess that's a downside to me in general. I never fit in.

By the way, yes I am trying to get to post 200.
This is post 199.

AWKWARD

My last post, was actually about online friends. About how it feels to see parts of their life on the outside. I posted it because I was watching Ben's youtube channel, and sort of wondering how different online friends are in real life. I think sometimes not much, but other times I wonder. Not about Ben, just in general. Anyway, I asked him what he thought the blog post was about and he thought it was about his sexy texts and my reaction. Which ironically, would fit the description perfectly and even more ironically was what I was going to blog about before I changed my mind because I thought he'd be weirded out. But he said to post it.

So, lately Ben has been rather forward. Lately. haha He used to be even more forward, but then he kept it a bit cuter. He's back to it. Now, see, I used to be all shy and awkward with it. Because it honestly used to weird me out a bit. But I didn't care. Nowadays, I'm just an awkward shy kid. I can flirt only slightly better than I can dance [I can't dance]. But I'm going to admit it, I kinda like it when he says sexy sorts of things, and instead of being the shy kid who says "lol :P" and doesn't reply until I quit blushing, I've been trying to flirt back. Which I fail at. Thankfully Ben doesn't care so much, just laughs at me and moves on. So we've had a few of those moments when I have no idea what to say, and were it real life would randomly shout "AWKWARD SILENCE" but y'know what, I don't mind. :P

Please Tell Me Someone Knows What I'm Talking About In This Post

Did I ever tell you it hurts? It does. I mean, I love it. There's a strange fascination involved, maybe it's curiosity. To wonder, imagine. That's it. Imagine. There's a fascination with somehow shaping my imagination a bit more like reality. And I like that. It makes it all seem realer. Regardless of my involvement, it feels like...you're not something in my mind, but in reality. And I like that. But it does hurt. A little. A lot. Depending on the day. That's why I never did it before. I'd try in snatches, but I couldn't do it all at once. Today I did. It made my thoughts spin, made little snatches of hurt, but it made me smile a bit. Regardless of consequence, I can see it all that bit clearer now. My imagination is one step closer to reality. Maybe reality and imagination will collide at some point?

I can only hope so.

Nothing To Say

I'd like to say it's been raining all day, but it hasn't been. It's been sunny as ever, but sunshine can't seem to reach me. I pretended I was happy and tried to push it away, but now there's no one left to tell but you, so I'm telling you. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I don't even know why, I just sat there wishing I could close my eyes and escape reality. But I had to get up and I had to get dressed and I had to live through today. But now we're watching a movie and I can't seem to concentrate. I can't get words out of my head. I take a lot of what people say to heart, though I don't tell them so. And then later when I'm alone all the words will spin through my mind in a dizzying waltz. I can't get so many things out of my head that I want to. And when I told my mom, she just told me to keep taking my cymbalta. They say that causes suicidal thoughts in people under 18. I haven't told her, but I have been taking only half the dosage for a week. Which is worse - feeling like you're losing your mind or feeling like you want to die? The worst part is that tomorrow I'll wake up, force myself out of bed (or not. I'm by myself tomorrow, maybe I'll just lie there all day and stare at the ceiling) and tell anybody who asks that I'm perfectly happy. I won't be lying because I'll honestly try my best to smile and laugh and find something to cheer me up. But sooner or later they'll see through me, or they'll get sick of me and I'll be alone with a painted smile.

What's the remedy for loneliness? What's the cure for going insane?
Don't say cymbalta.

Paper Route

Where have I landed I don't quite remember
I fell to pieces one night in December
Pictures in boxes remind me of something
I miss the days when our fingers were touching

All my decisions were just second guesses
Looking for love like a bride looks for dresses
Every mistake turned to some sort of yearning
A heart that was hollow has filled up with meaning

The memories of losing you, you're like a ghost
Tracing where I said to you

I wish you were listening,
I wish you were listening,
I wish you were listening,
To get through it.

- Wish

--
Probably my favorite Paper Route song, also the only one I can't find online. I love the lyrics though