Dear Random Emotional Crap

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

<3,
Alexx

Masquerade

I read this on Brandon Is Write, another blog I follow. I think it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. I did not write it, he did. But I wanted to share it here.


"Masquerade"

You stare at the party before you. Glamorous. It’s exactly like a scene out of any fairytale. Chandeliers dangle from the high ceiling, weighed down by diamonds and crystals. Although they hang still, it still seems as if they are threatening to fall down.

The floor reflects the light from the chandeliers. The walls bounce the voices back and forth. Each heel that strikes the floor is accompanied by a clack. You hear the countless conversations swirling around you, but you don’t understand any of them. All the voices and words blend together in one giant murmur.

Long, gorgeous gowns trail the glossy floor. Every girl on the dance floor wears a mask corresponding with her dress. Every boy wears the same penguin suit costume, each with a mask concealing his identity. The room is full of mystery and unanswered questions as everyone peers curiously at one another, wondering who exactly they’re dealing with.

A penguin suit walks up to you. Although the mask covers his mouth, you see the twinkle in his eyes and hear the smile in his voice. “You seem familiar,” he says slowly.

You return the smile. “Is this how you try to pick up girls?” you remark playfully.

He doesn’t reply at first. You see his eyes studying you, sure that he’s still smiling.

Under his gaze, you try not to squirm. Instead, you lift your chin, straighten your back, and lock your own eyes to him.

“Would you like to dance?” he asks you, holding out his hand for you.

You briefly glance down at his welcoming hand before taking it. “It would be my pleasure,” you reply, excited. The moment his hand wraps around your own, your palm grows sweaty and your heart beats faster.

And so the two of you dance. It’s graceful; rhythmic. You aren’t touching him, but you still feel his warmth emanating off his body that it almost seems as if your body is pressed against his. He breathes. You match your own to his. The butterflies within your stomach rampage in circles.

You can’t keep your cool for much longer. A grin permanently paints itself on your face along with a rosy red color gently brushed onto your cheeks. Unfortunately, the mask covers your transparent feelings.

The song ends. The two of you step away from one another. His warmth you felt, however, remains lingering on you.

“I’ll be right back,” you squeal, your voice an octave higher than it was prior to the dance.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” he replies, fairly amused. He’s taken a liking to you.

You turn and hurry away, trying to regain your composure. It’s difficult, considering you can’t seem to concentrate on anything other than Mr. Penguin Suit.

Accidentally, you bump into someone while your mind is preoccupied.

“Sorry,” you say, looking up at the person you just ran into. Your eyes widen and your jaw drops as you see a replicate of yourself. Or, so it seems like a replicate.

She has the same dress as you. Maybe not exactly the same, but an extremely similar one. Her mask is very similar as well. She has the same hair color as you; the same shade of skin, the same height. You feel like you’re looking in a mirror. The two of you look chillingly alike.

The only aspect different between the two of you were the eyes. As she holds your stunned gaze, you notice her eyes are deeper and darker compared to your own glowing set of carefree eyes. Her eyes don’t show surprise. Instead, they’re knowing and understanding. Very different from yours.

"You’re--" you start, trying to place a name with her hidden face. Before you can finish, a large crash interrupts you. The moment of truth.

Heads turn toward the fallen chandelier in the middle of the dance floor. Shattered glass is scattered everywhere. The guests stare at the chandelier in horror before panicking. They begin to run for the doors.

You bring your attention back to the look-alike girl. She lifts her mask and reveals a smile.

"--Love," you finish.

"And you’re Infatuation," she responds.

Glancing across the dance floor, you see Mr. Penguin Suit staring back at you, clearly puzzled. He doesn’t know which girl he danced with earlier in the night.

"He’s not searching for you," she says before slipping the mask back on. Her voice is soft, gentle. You can’t make a noise as she walks away toward a confused Mr. Penguin Suit. He gives you one last fleeting glance before giving Love his undivided attention.

You look the other way and notice another boy in a mask and a penguin suit costume staring at you curiously. Slightly raising your mask, you grant him a smile as you drift toward him.

The other boy isn’t your problem anymore. A new set of butterflies, giggles, and heartbeats are awaiting for you. Of course, he’ll mistake you for Love like they all do, but you’re alright with that now. You’re used to the quick, thrilling moments you’ll shortly share with him. It’s who you are.

Today Was A Fairytale

So, Bethany mentioned I haven't posted in a few days. Which reminded me that I actually haven't. I'm out of philosophical things to think about, because this is vacation, I'm not supposed to be philosophically thinking. :P And I'd ramble about Owl City or James Marsden or something, but I'm already going to post a rambling post about Kill Paradise when I get home, so I'll wait on that. Instead I'll post another mini-trip update about yesterday.

So, yesterday, my parents and I went to a waterpark. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive from the hotel to the park, so we took a bus. It was really nice on the way up, everybody was bubbling with excitement, it was fine. When we did get there we locked up all our belongings and put on tons of sunscreen (which was useless in the end. Or possibly I'd just be more burned if I hadn't used it?) and headed for the closest attraction.

I have the best parents. I really do. They explained to me, "swimming is easy. You just try to stay afloat by displacing water to keep you above the bottom." And then they took me to the four-foot mark in "the big pool". Oh yes. They forgot to mention there's waves in "the big pool".

Some are born swimmers, some learn to swim at a young age, and the others - we have it forced upon us by giant waves and the need to survive.

As I was counting off in my head all the things I would have done with my life were it not to end any coming second as I couldn't find the surface, I had to get dragged out by a lifeguard. Who spoke Portugese. (I guess it was his summer job?) It's a wonder I felt like trying again. I eventually did get the hang of the whole "swimming" thing, though that's probably due to the fact none of the attractions had water deeper than 4 ft. [Kat wasn't very nice when I was telling her about it. She was like "AND YOU COULD STILL TOUCH THE BOTTOM??" Salt and open wounds and all that. Thanks. :P]

Throughout the day I only required the assistance of two other lifeguards. One as I again couldn't get to the surface, and the other was during a bit of an accident. See, there was this slide, and at the bottom, I slid too far and ended up somehow on my face on pavement with a gash along my jawline. Hence lifeguard #3.

It was a fun day however, and I liked it. I also saw lots and lots of redheads, which I found interesting. Because it's not all that common. I felt like I fit in. :P

Anyway, the trip home. It was so long. So very long. I was exhausted (it was 11 at least) and the bus was loud. Still bubbling with energy. I was wanting to sleep. I texted Ben for a bit, but my phone died. So the rest of the trip home I was left to just imagine..

And then I didn't sleep til near 2, or possibly later because once we were back to the room, I could charge my phone. And we had been in the middle of a conversation. :P

So this morning I slept in. And although it kind of hurts to move a lot of things at the moment, I'm happy. Because yesterday was magical. ♥

Trip Update

As you discovered in the last post, we were at Epcot yesterday. So I thought I'd tell you about that. :D So we went to the park (the one with the giant golf ball for anyone who's not been there) and it was...96 or so. And extremely humid. Anyway. My parents wanted to go sit down in the shade (at Disney World? Really?) so I got in line for Spaceship: Earth (the golfball) on my own. It was at least a 90 minute line. And the couple in front of me was disturbing. They were eighteen by my estimation and I literally was expecting clothes to start coming off any minute. I tried to just ignore them, except they'd be so caught up in what they were doing that they'd forget to move ahead when the line moved. Holding my tongue to keep from telling them to get a room, I instead would politely remind them to move ahead. And they would glare at me as if I were interrupting. So after 90 minutes of that, I got to ride the 30 second ride, and then wondered why I waited that long. I guess that's just a theme park for you.

With that exception, yesterday was amazing. I went on my first-ever roller coaster! Now, I'm not counting kiddie roller coasters, I did those last time with my cousins. I mean the ones where they tell you "you have to be 48 inches to ride". Thank goodness I'm 65. It was, however, the slowest roller coaster in the parks (Test Track) but I was proud of myself for doing it and surprisingly liked it. After that, I went on Soarin'. It is the.best. ride ever. I'll explain it a little. See, you board these hang glider things that hold eight people, and buckle yourself in. There are six hang gliders, two per row, three rows. When everybody's ready, it actually lifts you up into tiers two stories in the air, facing a giant IMAX-esque screen. It's a four-minute video of different parts of California, and it's complete with scents and breezes and drops and everything. I literally could only ride that one ride all day. It was amazing.

After that I conquered my fear and went on Mission: Space. Mission: Space is a gravity wheel with a virtual panel that simulates a trip to Mars in a shuttle. I was a little freaked out to try it, I don't do too well with spinning things, but I did it anyway. Apparently they even inject cool air halfway through the ride to try to settle people's stomachs. Anyway, that was quite fun, and I, unlike lots of the other people, survived without running to a trash receptacle afterwords. Fear conquered.

After all the exciting things, we went to the World Showcase. There are eleven countries - Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, America, Japan, Morocco, France, The U.K. (mostly England), and Canada. It's so hard to pick a favorite, though Canada was NOT my favorite (they had a nondescript cliche totem pole and not much else) neither was Italy which only showed Venice and nothing of Rome or Pisa. America also was rather boring, with only one plain white building that didn't look like much and nothing else. Mexico was awesome inside, as was China outside and in, Japan was beautiful, and Morocco was probably the most extensive and intricate stop. France was amazing as well, though it was crowded so we didn't get to spend much time there. They have a bookstore, and when we come back I'm going to take look around in there. We went on the Maelstrom ride at Norway and the little one inside Mexico. I was disappointed in the Mexico one however because it was more like an advertisement for The Three Caballeros than a ride about Mexico. I asked one of the worker ladies (they hire only workers from the actual countries which is cool) and she told me with a flat affect that it was like the Spanish version of the Small World ride until a few months back when they changed it. I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Un Mundito, Despues del Todo. I'm aware that was the worst translation ever. I forgot most of my Spanish class. haha

Anyway, yesterday I had another first. We stopped for lunch at a sushi restaurant in Japan, and it was not what I expected at all. It was a lot better, actually, and definitely something I'll try again. I liked the salmon one best. We got fish and chips for dinner at the U.K. stop, and next time we come back to Epcot (I think in 3 days?) we're going to Morocco for lunch and France for dinner at a pastry shop. Should be fun!

So that's my trip update. We're leaving now for the Magic Kingdom. We get to stay in the park until 2 AM because we're staying in a resort hotel. This should be interesting seeing as I was up until 2 AM last night texting Ben. I'll sleep on the monorail. :P

Perspective

I purposely lost my parents today at Epcot. I lost them and I watched to see what they'd do. My mom got frantic, like I expected. But like I didn't expect, my dad tried to comfort her. It was different, almost like a different side of him. He talked to her calmly and held her hand. And for a moment I could see them both, young, only in high school, and in love. I could see them the way they must have been at one point before things broke, before me. And for that moment, I knew she'd be okay after me. That maybe all along that one piece of hope was right. That after I'm gone, she'll be taken care of the same way she was before it all. It made me smile. Of course, I soon found them, and brought ice cream as an apology gift. But it made me wonder. A change of perspective.

Once we were back at the hotel, I let perspectives change again. I sat and watched the world I've always wanted slip away. And instead of doing what I always do - close my eyes, wish it away, and eventually allow it to drift from my memory - I decided to tear it apart completely. To watch it all break and let the pieces scatter. I let it break and it hurt. It hurt terribly. But I saw it from far away, and from far away it all seems rather silly. All this worrying and caring. From far away it was like seeing it from a different side. A side that says there is no reason to keep going and there is no reason to give up. It's all what I decide to do with it. I guess you could say for the first time, I understood. Really understood. The change in perspective scared me a little. It felt like it would be surprisingly easy to let it all go if I did it now. Mom would be taken care of and things wouldn't be half as hard to end this way. But at the same time, it would be surprisingly easy to change what I think. I could change it all, flip it backwards and make a new world. Dream something new and entirely wonderful and reach it.

Perspective. It either brings hope or fear or sometimes even both. But whatever it brings, one thing is for certain. It brings change. And I'm hoping things will change. And I'm hoping for the better.

This Will Come Out As A Vague Mess

I need to say this. I don't care if it makes no sense, it makes perfect sense to me.

Talk to me. I mean really talk. Tell me what's on your mind, tell me everything. I know what I said and I'm sorry. It was wrong to tell you that. Wrong to make you miserable just to make it easier for me. I didn't want this to happen. You have to know that. And now that it happened I want to make it better, if you'll let me try. Just talk to me about it, let me try to make you smile. Please. I'll take it all back if you just smile.

Talk to me. Tell me about it. I can help if you just let me.

24 Hours

A lot can happen in 24 hours. A life can change in that amount of time. As the world turns a full rotation, it's almost as if we do too. From the foggy drowsiness of morning to the rush of the day to the calm of evening and back again to the hazy reach or sleep. The same can be said of most days. From the cheerful bliss of a new day to the dull impatience of the morning to an altogether dismal afternoon and a miserable evening which ended with a hint of hope that possibly the next day I'd wake up happy again.

While it's true that generally 24 hours brings a full rotation, it doesn't mean it has to. Yesterday was the third day in my memory that I had 24 hours of happiness. Nothing went wrong, nothing even really slipped at all. It was altogether wonderful.

But the only thing about being happy, is it sets you up for a disappointment.
And I'm trying desperately to not let that happen today.