Someone Please Hear Me

I know I said goodbye already but this is my silent cry for help. 
I'm struggling to stay above the surface. I feel like nobody understands me. Kat doesn't, Mom doesn't, even Ben doesn't. I feel like a misfit who can't fit in even if I try. I feel worthless, lost, and unloved. 

I feel like Ben never really did care. Still doesn't. Is it selfish for me to want to be to him what he is to me? I want to be the one he thinks about all the time and can't wait to talk to. I want him to think I'm beautiful and I want him to want me more than anything else in the world. I feel forgotten so often. Like I'm the last thing he wants. 

I'm struggling with life. Days are so dark, I hardly find my way anymore. I smile and pretend I'm okay. Nobody likes mopey people. Nobody would understand anyway. 

I'm struggling with my past. There are so many things I regret. I can't seem to move on from the past. It haunts me, worse all the time. My friends try to relate, they really do. They say my innocence was taken, it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think it was.  And it's not just that it happened. It's another scar now. 

That's why I could never be beautiful. I have too many scars. I have scars on my arms from nights I almost didn't live through. I have scars from abandonment and abuse. I have scars from my past that don't heal. Ever since the last time, this summer, I can't let people touch me. Not even Kat. Barely even my own mom. No one could ever find something so broken beautiful. 

This is my silent cry for help. I want someone to understand. I want someone to tell me I'm still worth something, still beautiful to them. I want them to really mean it though. I want the sun to shine again. I want to trust. I want to fall in love. This time I want him to love me back. 

I want everything to be different. Because I'm desperately trying to hold on.