Today.

Today. Wasn't so bad.

After Kohl's we went and ate at that Crayola restaurant.
That was weird.

Then I took a nap when we got home.
I had nice dreams, so that was fun.

Then I took my geometry test.
Which wasn't so bad.

Then Kohl's called back and my mom's hired. They want her to start orientation tonight. Which seems a bit fast if you ask me, but I guess that's a good thing.

So I'm going to be sitting home alone tonight watching movies.
And eating whole wheat popcorn. I love how they actually make that. Wheat =/= popcorn. But whatever, it doesn't taste half bad. lol

The reason I'm actually posting this is so I can get a list of ideas down for a story (completely not related, right?) because otherwise I'll forget.
The Future
The 50s
Elves
World War II Spies
I want to write a story, like, an actual, chapter by chapter, honest to goodness - story. But not using all those topics at once. haha Just one. But I'll forget unless I write it down somewhere.
So why not here?

Captain, Captain, Our Mission Has Been Compromised!

Yes. Yes it certainly has. xD

Last night I was informed of the fact that Ben's following this blog. (If you're reading this, since you better be because I told you you had to, hi! :D) So I guess all the cards are on the table. Which doesn't really matter that much to me, since I was going to send you the link sometime when I felt really really brave. Though, those moments are quite rare for me. haha Anyway, I'm not upset with you (or the person who showed you...though I think I know just who that was, don't I, Taylor? ;P) because you have a right to know how often you're on my mind. I'm only a little upset that you didn't ask for a cookie. I mean, seriously, what am I going to do with 120+ cookies, Ben? D;
Anyway, you're totally free to keep reading this if it doesn't freak you out or something. I like having readers, it makes me feel like I'm not talking to myself. xD So, yeah.

On a slightly different note, I was up til like...12:15 talking to him last night, which of course for me is a really long day. 17-18 hours something like that. So then I forgot to set my alarm for this morning so I JUST woke up, and I found out today is going to be super long. Like, really really super long. Because I have to do half a school day, and then I have to go with my mom to an application at Kohl's at 12. Do you know how long those take? 2.Flippin.Hours. I mean, can't she just write out an application and drop it? Noooo, apparently they want her to fill it out THERE, call her references THERE, and they'll do the interview the same time or something if they like her application. Idk, all I know is I'm going to be sitting there all two hours, bored out of my mind. Plus we don't get to eat lunch before then or during, so I'm going to take *drumroll* leftover cookies in a baggie and just eat that. :P

After that, there's only a few hours though until movie night so yay. We're probably going to watch Bug's Life or Nacho Libre or The Jungle Book. Or just watch A Knight's Tale again. haha We like that movie alot.

SO I'm rambling again but then again, don't I always? I should probably stop now. :P
Hope today goes quickly...

~Jazz

I CAN'T SAY IT

Dear blog, so I've been talking to Ben alot lately.
But I've found I can't say things to him.
Totally stupid things that I should be able to say.
Like, asking him general questions "how are things at school?"
Or the thing I really can't say is just "text me sometime. now we can do that for free ya know."

I.just.can't.

It's ridiculous!
I should just say it to him, but my mind's like, telling me he'll be frustrated or weirded out or annoyed or heaven knows what, it's just lame.

But with that happy note, I'm going to go say something non-related to Ben because I'm scared to go near the topic and say goodnight and feel ridiculous checking my phone every 5 minutes til I fall asleep, wondering if by some odd chance he'll feel like texting me.

This is so ridiculous.

Owl City

If I was a raindrop
You'd be my thunderstorm
It's cold so surround me
With rainclouds to keep me warm

I feel like I'm falling
So, darling, don't let me go
The thought is appalling
But should I slip away
Into the stormy sea,
Will you remember me?

Asleep in our warm cocoons
We dream of lovely things
We're both gonna wake up soon
So we hope that tomorrow brings us our butterfly wings

If I was a grain of sand
Then you'd be Miami Beach
So dusty with starlight
Close your eyes and cuddle close to me

I'll try not to wake you
Or make a sound while you're dozing off
But in the night should the high tide
Sweep me away from you
Tell me again, my dear,
Will you be waiting here?

Whenever we leave the ground
And take to the sky
I'll smile as I'm gazing down
'Cause I've always wondered why
We won't need feathers to fly

Suddenly, cookies! Lots of them!

Today I was bored. So I thought, hey, why not make some peanut butter cookies? Just for fun.
So I got out all the stuff ahead of time (Miss Armstrong would be so proud of me) and was all set up. Measured out the flour. Then measured out the sugar. Katie-Ana called, we talked for 20 minutes, then we said our goodbyes. I went back to my cooking.
Measured out the sugar again. Realized I'd doubled, so I decided, a double batch wasn't too bad. So I doubled the flour and continued on.
Four ingredients later, Mom left for work. I helped her get ready, said goodbye, all that jazz, and went back to my cooking.
I'd already put in the butter. But I doubled it and put it in again.
SO THEN I had to go put in all the other ingredients so the recipe was now quadrupled.

Long story short - I have 124 peanut butter cookies.

Anyone want one?
Comment back.
Shipping & Handling not included~

Please Don't Read This. I'm Out Of Odds With My Mind.

Can someone get me a mood ring?
Pleaseeeeee? c:

My moods are out swinging on the swingset everyday.
Though I'm not pretty and I don't act that way. xD

Okay, yes, I'm exhausted so I'm posting ridiculously nerdy things on my blog.
But I love that band and that song. (Relient K - Mood Rings)

And it does tie in because I went from being confused and bleh to being happily bright in 2.5.

Wanna know why?
Take a wild guess.

Well Today Was Emotionally Trying. I Think I Deserve A Hug.

So. Matt. Remember the insane ghost thing?
Apparently today it tried to kill him. Now, I'm not...well...okay so I started thinking, maybe he's for real about all this. So for about an hour and a half, I cried and tried to help him with all this stuff, then I figured, enough of this, if the "ghost" will leave him alone if I leave, then I'll leave. I wrote him a goodbye letter. Then the "ghost" told him he had 7 more days to live.

That's when I recalled what Zach said about ghosts being demons and such. (THANK YOU, ZACH, YOU ARE BRILLIANT.) I told him, he accepted the possibility, asked how to get rid of demons. I told him the only way out is Jesus. Then I asked him if he wanted to be free. If he wanted to give up everything he'd ever known, and everything he wanted, even me, just to follow Jesus and give Him his life. He said he would. Asked me to pray with him. I prayed with him. I'm not sure if he really meant it, but that's between him and God. He says he felt like a weight was lifted. And then he said "I don't feel them. The spirits. Maybe you were right - maybe they were demons all along." I was like "That could very well be." and then he replied with "Who are you?"

Apparently, he forgot everything. Forgot about his ghost problem, forgot he has 2 ex boyfriends, forgot about Katie-Ana and Taylor and Ben and who I even was. He even forgot he was gay. He only remembers the basic things - his sister, his nephew, his address, etc. I freaked out for a moment and went all "BUT WE HAD PLANS. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED. AND ADOPT A LITTLE GIRL. AND MOVE TO FRANCE AND OPEN A COFFEE SHOP TOGETHER." He was like "what the heck are you talking about?" And that's when I realized, what the hell was I doing? Whether or not he really forgot everything, this is my way out.

I'm not going to remind him or flirt with him. I'm going to slowly pretend nothing was ever there between us. It gets me out of breaking up. This is a perfect setup.

But it's weird. Really weird.
And I'm spent. I feel exhausted emotionally.
I need a hug.

Making The Okay Days Wonderful

And just like that, Ben comes along, says two sentences, and it's like nothing in the world could bring me down.
He wasn't around for long. Just wanted to say hi. Which means he was thinking of me at least at some point today. Which made me smile.

Funny how one person doesn't need to say anything important - just something, and the whole world can brighten.

<3

Well.

I found out today I've been lied to on all accounts.
And in honesty, nobody loves me.
I already knew last time it was all lies and insincerity.
Though this time, I found out I only get told he loves me when he's high.

I pick all the real winners.
Thank goodness he didn't tell me this in real life, I would've slapped him then and there.

And yet,
I'm still in a wonderfully happy mood.
I don't get it but whatever, I'm going to go make some sort of cookies. It just sounds good today, y'know?

Happy For All The Right Reasons

Today I'm happy!
Inexplicably, wonderfully, happy!
I think alot of it is just because today is..one of those days. Where nothing can bring ya down, you know?
Plus I talked to Ben for a long time this morning. That was fun. I love him.
And Zach just reminded me I wasn't supposed to talk to him. Snap. He's so...addictive though. Like, I can't explain it, all I know is he definitely brightened up an otherwise really long school day.
And then, like, I drank caffeinated tea. I've been sorta hyper since then. And Bethany and I talked about lip piercings, trains, and blow jobs. Bethany is so amazing sometimes. xD

OH GUESS WHAT?
In the mail I got a letter from Verizon Wireless (my phone service) and it had a refund for that night I spent texting Ben, cause apparently they were doing a switch during that time and now Canada is included as domestic texting. Flippin' sweet, cause now I have extra money and I can text all my Canadian friends for free!

That just helped to make my day. haha

Anyway I'm rambling.
But it's MY blog, so I shouldn't care.
But I feel like I'm talking to people when I write on here, so I should shut up now.

YAY!!!
k, I'm good now. xD
Jazz

The Daily Update

So I suppose I should update.
I got a new phone. And I finally decided on a new hair color. And I get my braces off March 18th. And I'm trying to convince my mom to let me get international texting. And I found a new cool band named Loftland. Look them up.

So, Matt's kinda insane. Says he's haunted by his last boyfriend who died in a car wreck. And the only way to get him to go away is for me to sleep with him within 2 years. Mhm, yeah right. Loser.

Anyway, I was like, going to call bs on him, but then I thought he might really be telling the truth, so I turned to Zach, who is by far my smartest friends. He looked up a few Bible verses disproving ghosts. So I was like, k. Then he showed me some verses about "zombies" in the Bible. Zach is officially awesome. Talked to him a while, which is always nice. He's doing good, so that's good.

Karl I talked to a bit too. He went to the Biodome in Montreal. Snapped some sweet pix. But I only talked to him a bit. So not much to report about him.

Katie-Ana's doing well.
As is Taylor, who is still not allowed to move much. So what ya get for driving while high, Tay... Anyway, he's doing just fine, watching all the chick flicks I wish I could be watching if it weren't for school. haha

Ben's doing well too. Talked to him a bit in the last few days. Always makes my day. (: Not heard too much new about his life, so I take it no news is good news. Still no word about the faith thing though. ):

That leaves Bethany. Bethany's not doing so hot. Dealing with her bitch of a "friend" and then this one boy who treats her terribly. Wish I lived closer. I'd go stalk them and stab them with sporks for her. But she's smart and strong, she'll make it through. (;

So another day closer to the Owl City/LiGHTS/Paper Route concert. Yay for that!

That's all to report for the daily update. haha

~Jazz

I Can't Believe Things Are Really That Bad

So yesterday I posted saying I hate my life. For all of you sick of my emotional drama by now, you will be happy to know it doesn't involve any of my friends this time.

Yesterday we got divorce papers in the mail from my dad.

My parents have been separated since I was born, but Mom used to tell me it was okay. That he just wasn't the 'father' type and after I was gone he'd come back and take care of her. Grew up sorta believing that I guess. I never expected them to actually make it permanent and final.

Mom's too shocked by the suddenness of it, to really do anything about it just yet. So I don't know what's going to happen or whatever, but I guess I'm scared.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't the best after that, but today I'm seeing things a little clearer. And things really aren't that bad, I mean, so the worst that can happen is my parents split for good, and my mom's free to find someone new. I guess that wouldn't be so bad. But I'd feel terrible leaving her, and I wouldn't be able to live with someone new in the house.

We'll figure that out when we get there.

For now, I'm going to continue with life as normal and bitch about Relient K touring with Paramore this year. Scratch that off my summer concert list.

...

Dammit.
24 hours of happiness ended.
And because of my stupid curiosity, I put 2 and 4 together.
I hate my life right now.

:)

So I've come to the conclusion there really is such a thing as 24 hours of happiness.
Last night, I disobeyed by mom to impress my friends. Which made me feel bad, but then my friends were happy, so I felt better. And I fell asleep to 'Vanilla Twilight' which is one of my favorite songs ever. And I woke up to a really sweet anonymous text. <3 And that made my morning. And then I showed Karl my picture I took last night and he now finally believes me. So unless something drastic happens in the next 2 hours, I will have had 24 straight hours of happiness.

I think I like it. :3

Photographs

So today I put up a new picture on Facebook.
If you know me, you know that's a huge deal. I only had two up for a while. Today I posted the third. Not long after I posted it I started getting comments. A few from Elise. Then Ben apparently noticed it.
He said he liked it alot. Just like last time.
He said I was really cute. Just like last time.
And I couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy. Just like last time.

I guess just the fact that he noticed me again made me feel special somehow. I don't get why everybody can tell me I'm attractive, but when he says it, I actually believe it. It happens every time.

In other news, Katie-Ana got promoted.
Yay for Katie!

I also figured out how to make ice cream from scratch. That was weird. It tasted nasty. So I threw it away. I should try it again sometime when I feel more determined to actually make it good.
Maybe.

So that's it for today's post.

School Gives Me Too Much Time

During school, I find my mind wandering too far.

I spent the morning on Omegle.
Karl is still the only real friend I've made off that place. haha
Everyone else is either weird or Finnish. Or both.

Then I started writing down Owl City lyrics.
It made me feel obsessive and weird, and then I felt a little sad.

Then I posted my stories on Fictionpress. That was fun.
Now I feel so exposed. haha Oh well, maybe someone will like them.

Then I got on Mapquest.
Did you know it's 18 1/2 hours from here to There?
I swear, I also figured out alot of other distances besides that one.
Okay, no, that's lying but I will later just to make myself feel less like a stalker.

Also figured out how to stuff a turkey in home ec today.
I guess that was fun. But it was boring.

I feel sad today.
For no reason.
Because I'm really happy here so far.
It's weird.
I'm going to go make tea now.

The Ocean

"I need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves, just like the stars that fall around us now..."

I was listening to Mae today. They're not my favorite band, but they have one beautiful song called "The Ocean" whose lyrics I quoted above. While I was listening, I wrote another story. It's a little sad, a little happy, a little bit reflective.
And it's really personal. So I'm not going to post it here, but if you want to read it, comment back on here and maybe I'll send it to you.

Anyway, today was melancholy, but I am alive.

We moved 2 days ago. Our house sold, so we left, drove all night, and got here the next morning. Painted rooms all day yesterday. Today my mom started work. I'm all moved in (I only have 3 boxes of worldly possessions) and adjusting to life.
We're in a city now, which is new for us. We're also in a house this time. A small one, but a house nonetheless. We have a yard, which I've never had before in my life. Ben says I should plant a tree and name it Mr. Tree. Bethany says I should name it George or Adam Lambert. I think I'll name it Mr. Adam George Lambert Tree XIV.
I also have my own bedroom. Which is wonderful. Except for one thing. I'm so used to sleeping with my mom in the room that I camped out on her floor last night. How lame is that for a 15 year old?
Anyway, I like it here. I'm in Central Time now. An hour before Ben and Beth and Kat and Karl, two hours before Matt, same time as Elise, an hour before Taylor and Chris, and two hours before Zach and Kari. Sounds confusing, but I have it all figured out.

Speaking of Karl.
I talked to him alot over the past while. Enough to figure out some stuff about him. Now I get the feeling I'm on his nerves. So I'm not going to strike up conversation again. He'll message me when he feels like talking to me. Until then, I'm going to keep clicking open his name in MSN, struggling with maybe saying something stupid or asking a fake question to catch his attention. But I need to not do that. The last thing I want is to push him away. He's one of the few people in this world who really understands me very well.
That sounded stupid. aha. Oh well.

Taylor got in a car wreck cause he was high (AND STUPID). Broke his collarbone in 5 places or something. That's what you get for being stupid and doing drugs and drinking. Ugh.
But I love him and hope he recovers quickly. And learns from this mistake. I don't need him dying. D:

Anyway, yeah, I'm going to go listen to "The Ocean" again. It's a peaceful, wonderful song. You should listen to it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JjXMDi2xQI

I So Hate Consequences

And I'm good, good, good to goooo!

I love that song.

But, no, I meant the title literally.
I cheat on tests. I have for, like, 2 years now. Never been caught.
Until today. I was doing a stupid Geometry test, and there was a parallelogram proof and I wrote down the proofs and reasons on my hand while Mom was doing laundry in the basement. I went back to the bedroom and was writing down the answers, glancing at my hand and writing, alternatively. Didn't even hear her come into the apartment. All I heard was "That looks alot like cheating. Let me see your hand." I'm a quick thinker so I was like 'What? I'm just doing my parallelogram proof.' Like that made any sense. I showed her my hand, and well, it started a rant. "You're deceitful Alexxandre. You've always been good at doing things behind my back and living with the guilt. I tell everybody raising a teenager is easy, but right under my nose you're lying to me. How can I ever trust you?"
She's more than justified to say all those things. And if you want my honest response, I'm so happy I got caught. I hate being dishonest. I hate lying to her, I hate cheating, I hate it all. I was begging for her to find out. God knew I'd never tell her, so He let me get caught. And now I can improve.
But I hurt her, I know I did. And seeing her cry because I lied to her was the worst feeling ever. But besides that consequence, she also grounded me from the computer indefinitely. And she won't speak to me which means she's really mad.

But, I deserve it all.

I'm just really glad it's out in the open now. If only I could get my other confessions out now.

I Love You Both

This post is for Katie-Ana and Taylor.
I love you both.
More than you could ever know.
Thanks for putting up with all my crap.
Thanks for letting me tear-stain your hoodies.
And thanks for being spies with me. Thanks for asking him all the things he would never answer me about. Thanks for being stalkers for me when I was too scared of the results.
Thanks. We accomplished our mission, and there's nothing more to find out.

All that's left is the part I've rehearsed so many times. Letting go.
We're halfway there. It's been a few days. One more conversation and it'll all be over. I'll be gone. He will be no more than just a memory. A dream of what could have been. All the words we've said will be nothing more than just perfect moments suspended in time's jewel box of memory.

I'll forever miss him, but I'm sure he'll completely forget me in only a matter of months.

The goodbyes are always the worst part.

A Very Long, Very Jumbled Post Of A Romantic Nature

And so it begins.

We'll start with what I should catch you up on since my last real post.
First off, I confessed I was in love with Zach. That was awkward. In a group chat we were both in (along with Bethany and Elise), there was a moment of silence and I decided (after throwing up cause of stomach butterflies) to just go for it and said "Zach, I'm in love with you." He was afk, didn't notice for a while or something and later I finally had to know why he wasn't bringing it up so I did. It was awkward, a letdown (which I knew was coming so it wasn't so bad) and ended with as long as I don't ever expect reciprocated feelings or write him into one of my gay fiction chapters, we're cool.
But it's not...well, it's different. Zach...is an incredible person. I can see myself as being happy with him. But happy with him because he would be a mystery I'd have to solve every day. Happy because I'd know I had one of the sweetest people in the world. Happy for the emotional reasons. Not to say he's not physically attractive, because he definitely is, but...not...well, let's be blunt, I could never picture myself actually doing anything physical with him. Ever.
(Zach, if you're reading this, let out a sigh of relief, I don't ever think that way about you :P)

Then there's Ben. Don't know what to say about him. I don't know what there is to say about him. But he still talks to me. And I still love him more than anything. Now, him...it's different. I think with him, I'd be alive. He's the shallowest, most superficial, flirty mess of a boy I've ever met, and his personality isn't what I'd normally get along with, but he has that adventurous spark. With him, I'd dare to follow dreams, live life instead of watching it pass. With him, I'd be so alive. And, to be completely honest, he's hot. I'll admit that. I'll also confess to the internetz that I have recurring dreams of him and me, and they're not blatantly sexual in nature but...they get a little close sometimes. He's the only boy I've ever felt that way about before.
But, enough about him, he's obsessed with someone else now.

Then there's Matt. Well, for a bit he wasn't talking to me. Thought he was avoiding me. Found out he was busy with...other things. We talked a little. He says he's still in love with me.
And I feel like a criminal.
See...I don't love him back. I don't dislike him by any means, but I just...there's no spark there. He's a good person, and he really does have beautiful eyes, but...like...I don't even find him physically or emotionally attractive for some reason. The one person in this world who wants me and I don't want him back. How stupid is that?
Now I think I could be happy with him. I mean, we have similar goals. Sometimes I'll find myself imagining a life with him and I would be content. He'd take good care of me, but I would always be looking for something else. Why is that?

Well

I talked it through with myself today and I think I figured it out. See, Matt...Matt's had previous relationships and such and, well, he's slept with more than one guy on more than one occasion. Now, I have a list of 10 reasons why I plan to save sex for marriage. I've worked on it and perfected it for 2 years now. Reason 3 is that I don't want whoever I marry to think I have any intimate memories of anyone besides them. But with that rule, I'm always quick to say that I could care less about my spouse having those memories, as long as they're with me now that's all that matters. But now that I'm in a situation like that, I'm finding out that I do care. It bothers me alot.

I used to think I'd fall in love with someone despite their gender, their appearance, or their past. I used to be completely blind to everything but who they were inside, but that's all starting to change against my will.

But all that's just a small part of it. I mean, I don't think I'd honestly be that jealous if I did end up with Matt. He promises he loves me now and won't ever think of other guys that way anymore, so I would probably be able to block out that worry. But it still leaves me with what I think deep down is what keeps me from loving him. And it's the fact that he's grown up and I'm still a little kid. I think that's why I can't love him and why I love Ben so damn much.

Matt's 18, and already been in relationships with 4 other guys, all of them including physical encounters. Me - I'm just a clueless, immature teenager who doesn't know the first thing about dating and has never been in a relationship lasting more than a few days. And Ben, flirty and odd as he is, still has that innocence about him - he's just the same as me. We're just kids messing around. We'd have fun together. But Matt...Matt's done with the messing around and having fun. He's already planning out his future. And he's planning me into it. He told me he wants to marry me once I'm 18 and he's out of college. And I'm just not ready to grow up that fast. I want to live a little, go to college, then maybe think about marrying someone. I want to fall in love, but I don't want to right now.
And I feel like since Matt's done all this before, he's two steps ahead and impatient to keep going, but I want to experience all I can first. And I think that's why I can't feel the same way about him that he feels about me. And I think that's why I love Ben so much. We're at the same level. But Matt's too far ahead.

I don't even know what to do about it. But I have to do something. Right now it's unfair to everybody involved.

Funny, right now who do I want to talk it all through with? Zach. I don't know if he'd be comforted or creeped out if I brought up the fact that I'm somewhat engaged to another guy. haha

oh well. It's just life, I'll figure it out in the end, hopefully.

~Jazz

"Starstruck"

OMG IT'S A STORY
---
Written: 1/02/10
Characters: Taylor and Josh, both 15
Setting: a school dance
Perspective: third person POV
Song used: Starstruck by Lady Gaga (2:48 - 3:10)

---
“Baby now that we’re alone got a request, can you make me #1 on your playlist…”

Taylor pressed closer to Josh. The way he moved his body would have distracted Josh’s attention were it not for his captivating hazel eyes being locked with Josh’s green ones.

“Got your dirty headphones with the left side on…”

Taylor reached up with his left hand and motioned as if he had a pair of DJ headphones on, with the upbeat, sliding a little closer to Josh.

“Scratch it back and forth back and forth uh-huh…”

Josh reached his arms around Taylor scratching records on an imaginary turntable. He pulled back his hands on the downbeat.

“Put your hands on my waist pull the fader, switch it back with original flavor…”

Taylor grabbed Josh’s hands and slid them onto his waist. He moved his hands up behind his head, and swayed his hips flirtatiously to the rhythm. Josh moved his hands to take Taylor’s. The younger boy looked at him with a coquettish smile. Leaning in quickly, he whispered with the lyrics “baby, could you blow my heart up?” He kissed Josh on the cheek and stepped back, releasing the other boy’s hands. He winked and turned back as he left the dance floor.

Josh just looked down and the floor and laughed to himself. That had been the hottest, most amazing three minutes and ten seconds of his life, and he’d nearly forgotten it had just been a silly dare by one of Taylor’s friends.

Or had it been?

---

First time to actually use certain pieces of a song in the writing itself. The whole song actually does play out in my mind, but I completely suck at writing dance sort of things, so this was literally the best part. ._.
yeah, anyway I'm embarrassed this is up here. Just glad nobody who really likes Gaga reads this. I think. xD