Happy New Years!

So it's not New Years here yet. It will be in an hour and a half.
Earlier I was just sitting around with my dad. Then we got an unsuspecting visit from Taylor and his boyfriend Chris. We made eggnog and it's freezing right now so we can have it later. After the initial shock my dad went through when Taylor showed up hand-in-hand with a guy halfway done up in drag, things have actually gone rather well. I suppose all those times I told him Taylor was asking me for uncomfortable favors, he didn't think I was serious. Apparently Chris has the same medical conditions as Taylor, so things work out alright.

Chris is super sweet. He's just like me. The quiet, shy, insecure half of their relationship. And I think he's honestly a very good person. Or at least that's the impression he left with me.

For now we're all sitting in the living room watching a movie. I don't know what it's called. But there was a scene with a straight guy being forced to do a strip show at a gay bar to earn money. When you see a scene like that and the words "oh this reminds me" come out of Taylor's mouth, you know you're in for it.

Well he invited me to go with him to 'The Tea Party'. A gay bar downtown. I thought he was joking for a minute, but he's completely serious. Apparently Chris is a backup dancer for a drag queen who is doing a Lady Gaga show tonight. So he wants me to go along. Says I might meet some cool people and wash away my problems with a few drinks. I'm scared, because I've never drunk anything alcoholic before. But Tay says he'll only have one drink so he can keep an eye on me and make sure I don't do things I'll regret. So I trust him. Sounds like a fun way to spend New Years if you ask me.

And I've come to the conclusion I have more than one New Year's Resolution. And it's to stop caring. Stop taking life so seriously, stop caring so much. Stop trying so hard. And to live life without worries. Without concern. To be happy.

This year, I want you to live. Really live.

Happy 2010, everybody.

Right now I feel like Pippin on Lord of the Rings. At that part where Merry's like "Why did you look, Pip? Why do you ALWAYS look?"
I have the same problem. I always look, and I always regret what I find.
He doesn't know that I know, but I know. And I tried to make a joke, and he got all offended or whatever. Why do the rules apply to me but not him? Idfgi.
And I shouldn't have looked.

ilovehimilovehimilovehim

I love him
I really really do
He's amazing, and perfect and...I don't know I can't explain it. All I know is he holds a magic, something that causes butterflies in my stomach. And yet I've never felt more comfortable around a person in my life. He makes me smile more than anybo. I feel like he's the half of me that's missing.
I love him

He talked to me today. He actually "pounced" me on Facebook chat. We talked for an hour and a half. About stupid, pointless things. He called me "dear" and "silly goose" and all the cute little names he uses when he's happy. I feel like I'm alive when I talk to him. Even when I brought up religion, which is the one downside of the evening, he brushed it off and didn't get mad at me. And he ended the whole conversation when his grandma made him go to bed with "I hope we can talk again soon <3"

I love when we have good days together. They're always the best days of my life.
The only thing that brought it down is the fact that I asked how things were with him and God and his answer was "nonexistent". It makes me sad, because I remember back when he was a pretty good kid. I mean, I don't know how into faith he was, but he loved God. Now it's like...he's fallen away and doesn't want to go back. It makes me sad because I don't want him to die. I don't want to lose him forever. He's my world, I want to at least know that someday I'll have forever to get to know him.
So if you're reading this and you have a relationship with God, please please please remember Ben in your prayers. Pray for God to shake up his life, change things, do whatever it takes to bring him back.

With that exception, tonight was a wonderful evening. And I know one thing beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Benjamin, I love you more than anything else in this world. <3

Is This What You Call Love?

haha, yeah, if you know what that title is from, you have a twisted mind.

Well, yesterday I finally heard from Matt. He liked my story. But he didn't talk much. Didn't say he loved me or anything. And he left without even saying goodbye. I think he's mad at me or something. But he's hard to read, so I'm not gonna sweat it.

At the moment I'm at my dad's house. He says Tay can spend the night tonight. Which will be fun. Right now I have the house to myself and I'm just reading 12 new books he got me for Christmas. They look good, but I haven't really gotten into them quite yet.

I talked to Beth a little while she was at the library. She always amuses me. She's so sweet and innocent to some things, and I'm always surprised when she makes comments with double meanings. But today I sent her a video on youtube with two emo boys making out. Figured she should get a glimpse into the sort of stuff that goes through my mind. She was so disturbed. haha It was funny how bothered she was by it all. For about 5 seconds, I regretted showing her because I was like "maybe I crossed the line..maybe she really is that innocent" and then she said something about "widening her...something. whatever you call it." and I realized that no, she really isn't. xD I love her though. She makes the day better every time I talk to her.

Ben commented another status today. I think we're going somewhere. We're onto something good here.

....

out of mind, out of state, trying to keep my head on straight! x3

Another Long Night

Another long night tonight.
It all started innocently. I showed Kira a picture of Ben, and it opened up conversation. She says he's hiding insecurities with all the crap he's been doing lately. I think she's right. But talking about him just made me miss him even more. I miss who he was, who he used to be.

I love him so much that it actually, hurts sometimes. And I wish he could see that. But he can't. So I spend all these nights, crying myself to sleep trying to make sense of it all. Tonight I'm at Taylor's and he asked me what was wrong and tried to help, but somehow even talking to him about it seemed so useless.

So now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, still talking to Kira about it (she doesn't know I'm sad now though), cuddled up with Taylor while he's telling me all the things I tell my Friends. Everything will be okay. Everything will work out someday. It'll all make sense, and then you'll realize why it happened how it did.

I just have trouble believing those words myself.

Oh.Snap.

Well, Ben's in the US. So he's unreachable atm. BUT HE TALKED TO ME ON A STATUS. 8DD First time since the day I met him. I was like "omg, he replied <333" Even though all he said was "no effin idea. lol" Gosh, I miss him.

Um, but anyway this post isn't about Ben. (OMG, right?) It's about Matt. haha Yeah, I wrote him a story as a Christmas present, and I emailed it to him but he's not replying. Now, on Christmas Eve, he was going to go to a party with alcohol involved. I talked to him last the day before. But he said the last party like that he went to, he woke up in bed with a boy he hardly knew.

So.

I'm wondering why hasn't he talked to me since? No comment to say Merry Christmas, no messages saying he loves me, what gives? So I finished up that chapter today (late Dx) and sent it to him. He's been online since, I know he has. But he didn't respond. And now I'm freaking out. Either he found something out that I didn't want him to, or he slept with another random boy. The first would be terrible. The second I wouldn't honestly care about.

I mean, online relationships are hard for people who like sex, let's just be honest about it. I personally could die a virgin and be happy. But I know he couldn't, so for him, it's probably a hell of alot harder. So I don't care if he sleeps with random guys as long as he still loves me. But he could be feeling guilty about it and avoiding me. Or he could now love that guy and not me. Or maybe he's just really confused and avoiding me. Which still sucks for me.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

I just want an explanation as to why he doesn't even bother to ask how I'm doing. Or how my Christmas was. Or at least just remind me that he still loves me.

*sigh*

<3

Soo yesterday my mom talked to Ben. She loves him. Almost more than I do. I don't know what she told him, but I have a suspicion it had something to do with my health problems. Last night I felt like bothering him so I asked him if he had a bucket list. He said he didn't, but wondered why I asked. I told him it was for my story and he was like "I'd be so sad if you were going to die. :("

And we talked for about an hour. Just like we used to. And I dreamed again for the first time in weeks. <3

Feeling So Far Away

soooo yeah, I feel so far away right now. From Ben, from my mom, even from Matt.

Ben won't talk to me, though I know he's been around. I even changed my status to 'not going to be online for a while. Merry Christmas!' and all my friends commented on it. Except him. He's probably avoiding me. Or mad at me. Or something. I'm sick of it. It's ruining my whole childlike adoration of the holidays, so I'm just giving it up. Some random person said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. So I'll try THIS approach. I'm not talking to Ben again til after New Years. Maybe he'll miss me. Or maybe he'll just forget me. I don't even know. Worth trying.

So yeah, I lied to my friends. I said I was going to be gone. And I'm not. But I just don't want to put up with all the drama right now.
Can't talk to Allie cause she only ever talks about her boyfriend and that's fine, but it just sorta makes me feel empty because I've never found somebody who actually cares about me in that way. Not even once.
Can't talk to Elise because she's mad at me and Ben both. Says we're acting like 2-year-olds and we are, but I'm trying really hard to be mature about it.
Can't talk to Kyle because...well I guess I can talk to Kyle, but our schedules seem pretty off so there's not much chance to.
There's just no reason not to ditch Facebook for the holidays. So I'm gonna.

I feel distant from my mom too though. I mean, since the whole ordeal with her boyfriend, I've just sorta..not felt like talking to her again. I inherited my quietness from her, so we're comfortable in silence. But I feel bad for being mad at her, but at the same time, I have a right to be mad at her. I think.

Matt seems distant too. Which isn't altogether bad, just...idk bad. haha I guess I'm just nervous that he somehow caught onto the fact that I don't like him. Maybe he found this blog. Eep. No, I don't think he did, maybe he's just busy. But he hasn't talked to me much. Doesn't go online unless I tell him to etc. Makes me sorta sad, because in a selfish way, I like talking to him. He pays attention to me.

ugh, I dunno. Today's just a bad day for me.
Oh well.

Christmas is coming up and I need to wrap presents.

Breathe In

And I'm coming to these terms that my heart won't beat anymore
Sing along, sing if you want - 10 more seconds til we're through the door

forgot to add "The Birds and the Bees" by Breathe Carolina to the list of awesome songs to turn up to unsafe levels.

Anyway, progress has begun. I talked to Ben a little. Asked him if he'd listened to the song I'd sent. He said he never received it. I told him it was by Breathe Carolina. Can I Take You Home? AND WONDER OF WONDERS, he actually was like "of course you can"
I coulda died I was so happy. If Ben's flirting with me, it means he's trying to get back to the old way we used to be. Anyway, I posted it to his Facebook wall, and then I was like "oh and I found your pictures and after minutes of hesitation, lik'd my favorite. And I felt empowered. And went and liked all these other people's stuff. I like the like button now" and he was like "Empowered? lmfao. I gtg decorate the Christmas tree now." And I was all like "okay have fun and stuff!" and he went offline.

Point of the story: Ben's trying to be my friend again. <3 I was so happy. Sosososososo happy. <3

Music Mends Broken Hearts

Skillet. They make me smileeee. They have this one song called Should've When You Could've (listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pINBSHZg2BU) and it's about a breakup. The chorus confuses the crap out of me because they're like "you should it would've been so good you should've when you could've" and I get all tongue-tied, but I do like it. I have ever since I got the CD.

But now that I've been through an actual breakup, all these breakup songs seem to go from black and white to color. So I'm obsessed with this song right now. And Here We Go Again (the whole CD) and Forget And Not Slow Down (which I always liked, but never fully understood) and I added them to the list of songs I play as loud as they'll go and think along with the words.

Also speaking of music to do that with, "Who Speaks For Planet Earth" by And Then There Were None is pretty much amazing music if you're depressed. Catchy techno hooks layered over guitar riffs, and the lyrics are all cryptic words, most of them dealing with hopelessness. I love them so much right now. That and "Gravedigging" by The Classic Crime. Great music when you're feeling depressed.

And just music to blare to block out the world would be "Abracadavers" by The Classic Crime and "Drive There Now!" by The Almost.

All these songs are on their own playlist on my ipod now and I keep repeating them as loud as they'll go.

Because sometimes music keeps my heart beating. Literally.

Let Me Go

Love me or let me go. That's all I ask. And you're doing neither and it's killing me.
Today I sat in the bathroom for an hour. Just thinking. I pulled out my meds and just looked at them. I promised all my friends I wouldn't try that again, but today it's cloudy out and the sun isn't shining. He said he hated me. And right now it seems like the best way out. I called Katie and she talked to me a bit. And it helped. But then she had to go to work. And I felt empty again. I wish I could be free of his stupid curse. I hate him. But I love him too.

I Should Just Go To Bed

I dunno. Maybe I overreact. Maybe I think too much.

But tonight I have reason to feel alone. Mom called from halfway to Vegas. Her boyfriend surprised her with tickets to some fancy show down there or something. Since she told him about our moving. I can't go with, because we gotta keep up that lie that she's a single lady in the middle of a divorce. No kids. Or whatever. I'm sick of it, and I don't like him, but mom says we can move and never hear from him again. But not like I want to be with them tonight or tomorrow or the next night, I just don't want to be here so alone.

I talked to Charlotte tonight but she eventually stopped replying, which she does alot. And then Kyle got on and I talked to him for about 10 minutes before he had to leave to go to bed. I'm desperate for someone to just talk to. Because I'm scared to be alone. Scared of what I'll do to myself. We don't even have Hernandez or whatever the stupid cat's name was anymore. It's just me and the quiet darkness of the apartment.

Sometimes when I fall asleep, I'll try to imagine what it would be like to have someone there beside me. Just quietly humming some wandering tune and messing with the ends of my hair. Someone to talk to when the nights are long and quiet and I can't get to sleep. In my imagination it's wonderful. But it's that point when I realize I have to stop pretending and face the reality that I'm alone tonight. And no amount of wishful daydreams will change that.

Gosh, I don't even know why I'm writing all this. I guess I just feel like maybe if I talk to myself I'll feel like someone's actually listening. I don't know how I'm going to make it 2 more days feeling like this. I miss so many people right now it's insane. I miss Katie-Ana and the crazy fun times we'd have together. I miss Elise and our Heartbreak Hotel, where we'd watch chick flicks and eat junk food til we felt better. I miss Ben. I miss my mom the way we were when it was just us and no one else.
I guess I miss myself too. The me who didn't care if my nights were long and lonely as long as the next day the sun shone a little brighter.

So this must be what it feels like to have no direction in life. I hope so at least. Because if this is living, I don't think I like it very much.

*heavysigh*

Why are people on MSN if they have homework and can't talk?
Isn't it a better idea to just not log on, than to have to tell people you're busy?
I know it sure as hell feels better to the other person to just not see you online than to try to talk and be met with "can't talk. doing homework." it gives the impression of 'oh, I'm too busy to talk to you.' which may be true, but then just don't log in at all.
*heavysigh*

Hey, Guess What? I Cried.

I decided one way or another, I was going to make Ben talk to me. So he did. And I've never felt so hurt in my entire life. He said he didn't like me for who I was deep down inside. And I...I couldn't take it anymore. I just burst out crying and logged off. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried for about 20 minutes.
Apparently, my rl best friend Katie-Ana heard me. Don't ask, it's complicated. So she got online, and since she's mutual friends with Ben, took the liberty of yelling at him. She got all up in his face, told him I loved him and he was my entire world, etc etc. And then she said if he ever made me cry again, he'd regret it.
Then he broke down and confessed all this shit he's going through with his best friend Sarah and how for 3 years she's been in love with him and she knows he's gay and she says his hugs are the only thing that make her happy yadda yadda, pressuring him into feeling bad. He says people always think they're going out and that's the way she likes it. So, he finally gets out of that and then as soon as he gets home, I'm like all chatty and he feels like it's the exact same thing all over again like deja vu of the worst kind. So he snaps at me and ditches me and I end up feeling really bad.
So anyway, Kat relayed it all to me, and then Ben said he was really sorry and he shouldn't act that way to me when I didn't even know why.
And I stopped crying.
I promised him we'd just be friends. That's gonna be the hardest thing ever. But I'm honestly going to try. As long as I talk to him, I'm happy. I don't care if we're just friends. So, things are good between us.
I love him again. I love Kat. Kat loves Ben again because I told her to. Inside she was looking forward to ripping his arms out and beating him to death with them.
But I'm so happy the drama's all over. Now we can just talk about stupid things and laugh like we used to. And fight over whether Patrick Dempsey or James Marsden is hotter. (James Marsden ftw)

Ben doesn't read this blog, because I'd probably die if he ever found it, but anyway, I love you as my best friend and I'm sorry, and I'm glad we fixed it. <3 Now we can move past it again. (:

I Feel Like Crying

Ben's avoiding me. And I made this new friend named Charlie, and he disappeared halfway through the conversation. I got the hint. He doesn't like me obviously. ;_;
Right now I feel like crying. Someone cheer me up. Please.

Can My Stupid Mind Please Wander? Thanks.

My mind's been on Ben. All.fucking.day.
First I'm happy because I made Chinese food, and I remember when Ben said we could try using chopsticks sometime. And it made me not hungry.
Then I'm sad cause I read this story about dying of hypothermia in American Lit, and I remember when Ben said something about snuggling with me and my mom (lol) whenever it's cold out. And it made me distracted.
And then I was mad thinking about how stupid some people can be. And it made me think of Ben, and how I should forgive him cause he probably doesn't realize how bad it makes me feel when he's a jerk.
So I can't get him off my mind today. And he just logged on MSN, and went offline as soon as I said hi. I think he's avoiding me. This sucks. Oh well.

I talked to Kyle this morning. I don't know what to make of him. He's a nice kid, and I think he's trustworthy, but I feel like he's always disapproving of me somehow. Like, he accepts me, but doesn't support me. If that makes any sense. Maybe I'm misreading him too, but it's just how it comes across. I told him about my whole fake identity thing. He seemed glad I was honest. But it just made me feel worse. I wish I'd never pretended any of this. Because I know now, that the only people who will accept me despite it are the people I'm not trying to impress.
I wish I'd never started it all. Because it only makes me wish I could be what I claim to be. Just so I could finally be what they want me to be.

I miss Matt. Alot. I wish he were home.
And I wish Ben wouldn't avoid me.
And I wish Kyle would accept me.

I need to stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.

Ben's The Biggest Jerk Since...I Don't Know When

I absolutely cannot stand the kid. I mean, today I decided to get on MSN and he was online, we chatted for about 7 minutes, then I was like "oh by the way Zach didn't add you. Which is probably better. He's one of those sheltered home school sort of kids." and Ben was like "some friend you are to him for telling me. I lost alot of respect for you just now. And don't you dare call him a 'sheltered home school kid' because that's exactly what you are." He's been having these emotional outbursts like that at me alot lately and at first I would just be like 'k' and try not to offend him, but I found out that he will in fact, not hate me for replying. So I was like "Don't get me started on losing respect. And I wasn't insulting him in the least. Of course I am one. I really like him, I wouldn't insult him" and he went off the jealous end with all this "Then marry him if you like him so much"
I was like, what the hell? So I was all "Ben, why are you always mad at me anymore?" and he was like "If I were mad, you'd know" and went offline.

I don't fucking get it. I try to be nice and deal with it, and he gets mad. I try to be forward and deal with it, and he gets mad again. It's, like, seriously, what is wrong with him?

I hate loving him. It's like loving a pit viper. One second, it's perfectly fine, but you don't notice it's all coiled up, and one wrong move causes it to strike out.

I don't know what to do about him anymore.

Taylor's Sorta Weird...

So there's a story behind my friend Taylor just like there's a story behind every other person in the world. But his is a little odd. Because he has pretty much two separate lives - his pedo life and his adult life. Well that's what we jokingly call it, but that's pretty much what it is. He's going on 19 now, but he has more than a few younger friends (of which I am one) and when he's around us, he's either like...a really cool older person. Like, the awesome hookup to getting legal drinks, although of course I've never asked him to do that, but that's what he's sorta like. That or a really creepy individual depending on if he's trying to hit on us or not.

But when he's around his friends his age he's sorta wild and out there. Gay bars, illegal drugs, drag queens, drunk parties every night, casual relationships, and the list goes on from there. And when he's around them, he goes by Christian, not Taylor. It's not like it bothers me at all, just that it's weird. I mean, who seriously has two separate identities like that? It's strange.

And sometimes he lets the two separate worlds cross over a little. One time he convinced me to try ecstasy and another time he dressed me up in drag with the makeup and all. Though, those were a while back. He's now concerned that he's messing up my "weird, but attractive innocence" so he tries to keep a distinct line between his two lifestyles.

I guess at the end of it, I don't care what he's like, he's still one of the few people who knows everything about me. He's gonna help me through since he has a bit of the same health problems I have. He says he's going to help me merge into the real world once I turn 18 and all the problems end. So I guess no matter what he's like, I'm going to have to just accept it and let him help me.

Oh and I'm still mad at Ben.

So I Have This Other Friend

Yeah and he's pretty much the most intriguing and amazing person I've ever met. His name's Zach. I met him through Elise like..maybe a month and a half ago. The two of them are best friends, and she's really crushing on him which is completely adorable but rather pointless for her but who am I to talk since I'm doing the exact same thing? Well, not the same thing. I'm not crushing on Zach...well...okay, this just got awkward. I meant me and Ben...Let's just go on.

He's completely serious and....I don't know how to describe it. Morally upright? I'm serious, I've never met someone so completely grounded in everything he believes. I'm impressed, to say the least. I respect and admire him more than probably any other friend I've ever met. I asked him if he would be willing to be my best friend. I don't care if Elise is still his best friend, but I think having someone like him to lean on and talk to would be so incredibly encouraging. I've only known him for a while, but I feel like I can tell him anything and he'll just listen. And every single time I ask for advice, he knows just what to say to make the messes all make sense. And there's something different about him and I just...can't explain it, but whatever it is, I wish I had it.

Although I don't think he reads this blog (if you do, I'm sorry D: ) so I'm going to take a moment to say that I maybe, just mayyybe have a tiny bit of a crush on him. He has the most beautiful eyes I've seen in my entire life, and he's completely adorable and sweet. And completely straight.

Anyway I figure I should introduce him to this blog even if it's mostly just for my ranting about Ben and Matt. Because technically it's for whatever is really going through my mind and Zach goes through my mind alot during the day. In a friendish sort of way. So, yes, that's my other friend.

Ben = hate, Matt = gone. What now?

So yesterday was a snow day for Ben. So was the day before. For him, it sucks or whatever cause he's super-social at school. For me it's like "FLIPPIN SWEET I GET HIM TO MYSELF ON MSN AND WE CAN TALK FOREVERRR" and I pretty much become the stalker-geek I am and say hi.
Now, the day before we did talk for, like, 3 hours. And I was happy. <3 But then yesterday I said hi and he totally blew me off in a not-so-nice way. Or maybe I just took it not-so-nicely. Idk. Whatever happened, I got sorta mad. So I re-evaluated (remind me not to do this ever again) and realized how stupid the setup is for me. I mean, I'm sitting here with my laptop, eagerly awaiting a boy thousands of miles away to get on MSN so I can talk to him because my entire universe revolves around him pretty much. And what is it like on his side? "Omg I'm so bored cause I'm out of school, so I'll get on the computer for a bit. Oh, look, Alex. *types message* *yawns*"
How stupid am I?

Anyway, today was worse as he posted two notes on Facebook, one about a coming back party for his pretend wife or whatever that crap's all about and the other just a list of what he did in review of 2009. Y'know one of those MySpace quiz things. Both left me feeling really left out. Not that I'd tell him that cause it's ridiculous for me to think I'll ever NOT feel left out. Duh, they're his real friends, I'm the online one.
But the quiz about 2009 had a few questions "did you make any new friends who changed your life?" "did you fall in love with anyone"
The answer to both was yes.
I could lie to myself like I've been lying to myself for months and think that those had anything at all to do with me. But that's not true, and I know it. I'm just who he talks to when he's bored and nobody's around, or when he's feeling flirty and none of his guy friends will let him hit on them.

So Ben's been...sorta....not hatelisted, but avoidlisted. I don't want to disrupt his real life and I'm sure he doesn't want me to, so I'm going to hide away and wait til he gets bored and wonders where I went and decides to ask. At which point I'll make up some lame lie to mislead him so he doesn't catch onto the fact that I'm super fucking lonely without him.

Oh and Matt left to go to Paris, France on a school trip this week. Lucky duck. I want to go to France sooo bad. But yeah, I'll miss him. He's fun to talk to.

What should I do now that the drama will be dissipating for a bit?
I have nooo clue.

The Backstory

Because it all has to start somewhere.
I'm just an average, slightly gay, 15-year-old boy. I have a health disorder so I'm not allowed outside. So I make all my friends online. Don't judge - I prefer it to sitting alone for 18 boring years.

So, anyway, I met this girl about a year ago. Her name was Elise. She and I were friends. She had this friend named Benji, who she talked about all the time because she was trying to rekindle an old online friendship they had when they were 12 or whatever. One day she told him I liked her, because at one point I did. She mentioned my openness to attractions to the opposite gender.
Cue the drama.
He added me on Facebook. Day 1 was like heaven. He said I was gorgeous, we talked until his inbox limit filled up, then wall-posted and chatted past that. Talked about alot of things. He said he liked me, I said I liked him, etc. And so began the 4 month roller coaster known as Ben. One minute he "loves" me, the next he's bitching at me cause I talked to another guy, the next he's cold and distant. Whatever, get a new friend, right? Um, no, you don't just fall in love with all your friends. Sadly. And I'm most definitely in love with Ben.

Then there's the boyfriend. His name's Matt. Saw my picture online, hit on me, I thought he was nice, I also thought he was 14, so I added him on MSN. Turns out he's not...anyway, by the end of Day 1 with him, he'd asked me to be his boyfriend. Half to get Ben's attention since he seemed to be ignoring my every move, I said sure. Got emotionally involved etc., broke up the relationship a week later (last week). Unfortunately, Matt's not evil. If he were it would be so much easier to just ditch him and move on. But, no, he's too sweet and I'm too spineless. So we still talk. A bit. And I'm still his boyfriend. Sorta. He and Ben don't click though. Ben wants Matt dead because he's convinced he's a stalker, and Matt hates Ben because Ben does have a prior claim on my affections.

So there's the backstory.
tl;dr - I'm in love with Ben, who doesn't believe in online relationships and doesn't love me back, and Matt's in love with me, but I don't really like him in that sorta way, and in the middle of it all I'm pretty much constantly going through whatever the dude equivalent of PMS is.

Now to update daily with whatever I feel like ranting about. Fun, fun.

Welcome To My Mind

If you want to read what I actually write in my Thought Notebook, please go here instead:
http://alexxandresblog.blogspot.com/
It's all deep, poetic-sounding thoughts grouped together. But some of it makes no sense. Which is why I made this blog. To actually say all the things I feel like saying.

That being said, if you feel like reading further into this blog, then welcome to my mind. These are the things I think about. All day.