Can My Stupid Mind Please Wander? Thanks.

My mind's been on Ben. All.fucking.day.
First I'm happy because I made Chinese food, and I remember when Ben said we could try using chopsticks sometime. And it made me not hungry.
Then I'm sad cause I read this story about dying of hypothermia in American Lit, and I remember when Ben said something about snuggling with me and my mom (lol) whenever it's cold out. And it made me distracted.
And then I was mad thinking about how stupid some people can be. And it made me think of Ben, and how I should forgive him cause he probably doesn't realize how bad it makes me feel when he's a jerk.
So I can't get him off my mind today. And he just logged on MSN, and went offline as soon as I said hi. I think he's avoiding me. This sucks. Oh well.

I talked to Kyle this morning. I don't know what to make of him. He's a nice kid, and I think he's trustworthy, but I feel like he's always disapproving of me somehow. Like, he accepts me, but doesn't support me. If that makes any sense. Maybe I'm misreading him too, but it's just how it comes across. I told him about my whole fake identity thing. He seemed glad I was honest. But it just made me feel worse. I wish I'd never pretended any of this. Because I know now, that the only people who will accept me despite it are the people I'm not trying to impress.
I wish I'd never started it all. Because it only makes me wish I could be what I claim to be. Just so I could finally be what they want me to be.

I miss Matt. Alot. I wish he were home.
And I wish Ben wouldn't avoid me.
And I wish Kyle would accept me.

I need to stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.