Friday, April 30, 2010

You'll Never Know, Dear, How Much I Love You...

Sunny days do still exist. I was surprised.
Not sunny like usual. It still somehow had a shadow to it. Almost like when you're happy, but you know you'll be sad as soon as the happiness fades at all. Part of me wants to let go and just hold on to the brightness. To not let go. But I've done that so many times now, that the other part of me says no. Not again. It's too much to let slide this time. Too much to just forget. With time I will forget, or at least I desperately hope I will, but for now I'm just feeling the sun's warmth and wishing...wishing ever so much that I were able to just get lost in it. And smile and laugh and be happy. But I can't seem to.

And through all this, all I can hope is that the rain doesn't come back for a long time. Because even if it sometimes burns me, I will always love the sunshine.

I'm Not Suicidal, I Just Can't Get Out Of Bed..

So. This morning I just woke up and ... I don't know. I couldn't do anything, I just ... couldn't. So I didn't. Mom was off to work early, I saw the note on the dresser, so I just curled up and lay there for a really long time. Finally (I think it was around 11-ish) I decided to get up and do something. So I made tea and came back and sat on my bed with my laptop and wrote until I can't think of anything to say. And then I watched a movie that I didn't want to ever watch. And listened to all the songs I didn't want to ever hear. And said all the things I didn't want to ever say. And it's still here. Like something I can't get rid of. And I just want it to go away.

I almost broke my promise to Bethany and Ben, but instead I used a sharpie this time like Anna suggested. But you can hide scars. You can't wash off sharpie. Not that easy. Mom got home from work for lunch. And she saw it. It didn't take her all of 5 seconds to know what I did. She yelled at me and told me to take my medicines like I should. But I told her I don't want to take my fucking medicines. I hate them, all they ever do is make me feel like I'm not alive. I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing.

And at that point I realized.

I've been asking for this all along. This is what living feels like. It feels like every breath has to hurt because every breath you're finding out it's not what you wanted. Living feels alot like pain with the occasional sunny day to make the clouds go away. But I'm afraid those days are gone. Please don't take away the only sunshine I can still see. Please don't disappear.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Things That Need Said... (if you know you're important to me, please read this post. it might be written to you..)

I'm bad with words, you all know that. And I'm also deathly shy and afraid of confrontation, you all know that too. So I'm going to be vague.

Dear Somebody,
I'm sorry. I should have been a better friend than that. I lied to you, but I lied so that you wouldn't know how much it was hurting me. Because honestly, it hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before. And I need to shut up about myself because it's not about me. And I'm sorry. Truly and honestly.
I'm good at pretending. I'll pretend it's all okay. Because, eventually, it will be. Just right now, it'll take some forced smiles, alright? Work with me here, we'll make it through. Promise.



Since I really want to be sure the recipient reads that, I won't post another post to go above it. I'll just switch topics here really slyly and you won't even notice.

In Other News
(didn't notice, did you?)

Yesterday I watched "Lost In Austen". For those who don't know what that is, it's a 5-part miniseries that aired in England, but I found it on DVD and bought it a while back. The story follows Amanda Pryce, who loves 'Pride & Prejudice' but lives in our world. She finds a door in her basement and through it, she and Elizabeth Bennett switch lives. It pretty much completely screws up Pride & Prejudice's story, but I absolutely love that movie. I'm sure they swear alot in British, but to us Americans it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish and funny words. haha
There is this one scene, and it's probably one of my favorite movie scenes ever, where Amanda and Mr. Darcy get into a fight. She ends it with "You misjudge everyone. And you misjudge me." She turns and walks away, and with every step she whispers to herself "I love you. I love you. I want to die. But I love you." And it always makes my mom cry. haha

So today Mom took off of work and I'm taking off of school and we're going to watch that movie (again - she wasn't with me yesterday when I watched it) and then the real Pride & Prejudice and then Anastasia. Gosh, it's been...years since I saw Anastasia. I love that movie. And the music is amazing. I remember when I found out Meg Ryan voices Anastasia, I was so shocked I'd never noticed before (she's one of my favorite actresses) and they animated her to look just like Meg I realized. :P So now I love that movie even more.

So yes, it's movie day today. One of those "stay in your pajamas and drink hot chocolate" days. I love my mom.

Oh, and listen to this song. Some of you may have heard Kat and I are making a music video (yellow brick roads and ruby slippers and leiderhosen and speedos and all that) It's to this song. So listen, let me know if you have any ideas to help with it, or just listen and love the song because it's amazing.

Peace love and all that
Jazz

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

So true. I found that today. And felt like posting it. Really for no reason. Except it sounds fitting at the moment.

Dear Chris

Today is your birthday. You are turning 22. I would wish you happy birthday, except you are turning 22. You do not get a cake or a card or a birthday wish. You must wait a year until you turn 23.

Jokes, of course, happy birthday, I hope you have a wonderful day and all your wishes do come true.

And this is your card. I made it myself.
_____________
|----------------- |
|ILYSMICHAS ;)|
| ____________|

<3

Monday, April 26, 2010

"Spanish"

---
Written: 4/26/2010
Characters: James and Kristie
Setting: All over
---

I shuffled through the papers again. "I don't get it."
"Get what?" James asked flatly. We sat next to eachother on the edge of his bed in his room. School was wrapping up for the year, and supposedly he had needed Spanish help.
"Your homework looks fine; you're getting a better grade than I am in Spanish." I said, putting the papers aside. "I'm starting to think this was a setup to get me back in your bedroom, wasn't it?" I gave him a teasing look.
"Maybe." he smiled. "I just need help with a few words. I don't know what they mean." he said, handing me a folded piece of notebook paper. I quickly unfolded it and tried not to blush at the words.
"Well." I began, looking intently at the page. "'Hermoso' means 'beautiful'." I stuttered. "And 'te amo' means" I paused "'I love you'." I looked up at him. "And the last word is 'besame'."
"Okay." he said, taking the cue. As soon as his lips had met mine, the bedroom door was opened by his mother. I instinctively turned away and wiped at my mouth with my hoodie sleeve. I was pretty sure my attempts at not blushing had failed.
"I was going to ask how the studying was going.." his mom began.
"It's going fine." James answered happily. "We were actually just going to go to the park, weren't we, Kristie?" He asked, grabbing my hand.
"Um, yeah, we were." I nodded, looking out at the gloomy cold. We most certainly were not. Not in that weather.
"Alright." his mom replied as James pulled me through the doorway. "I hear it's going to rain though, so keep an eye on the weather." As we walked outside, the cold air gave me a little shiver. I wrapped my arms around myself and walked along beside James.
"So why are we going to the park?" I asked curiously.
"Because it's about to rain." he said looking up at the looming clouds overhead.
"Wouldn't that mean we shouldn't be outside?" I already felt a drop hit my nose.
"No. There are alot of fun things you can do in the rain." James held out his hand, and I took it. We walked in silence to the park, the raindrops coming a little more frequently as we went. I had to admit, it felt considerably warmer just to have his hand in mine. I smiled as I thought about it. About him. We'd been dating for a while now, at least a few months. I still couldn't figure out why he wanted me, but I was more than happy he did.
By the time we reached the little swingset, the rain was a steady drizzle. We stopped under an oak tree that grew along the edge of the playground and leaned against it. I actually loved the rain, when it wasn't falling on me, that is. It fell faster now, almost steadily. I watched as it splashed in a few already-forming puddles. "So, what is it you can do in the rain?" I asked, biting my lip in a smile.
"It depends." James replied quietly, watching the same puddle I was. "Have you ever tried dancing in it?" he asked looking over at me. I shook my head. "Then I think you should." He grabbed both my hands and pulled me out from under the shelter of the tree despite my protests. A gentle roll of thunder echoed above as he twirled me around. I couldn't help but laugh. It was more fun than I had thought. Eventually he dropped my hands and took a step closer to me. "So you never told me what that last word meant." He said as he placed a hand along one side of my face. I smiled as the raindrops continued to fall all around us.
"'Kiss me.'" I whispered as I put my arms around him and stood on my tiptoes. It wasn't like we hadn't kissed before, on the contrary, we did it quite often, but every time I felt warm butterlies as if it were some new adventure. I knew it was a feeling I'd never actually get used to. It would always be that same thrill. I pulled away and smiled at him. "I love you" I said as I leaned my head against his chest. We were both soaked. It didn't matter if I hugged him now.
"I love you too." he replied as he put his arms around me.

I was surprised we hadn't gotten in trouble for getting back to his house completely drenched. I had expected to be scolded or at least receive a stern look, but his mom just glanced up at us and smiled to herself. She probably had expected it more than I had. Once we had dried off, James and I decided to give up our Spanish endeavours. Instead we curled up on the couch in the living room and watched a movie we'd both seen enough to know all the words. It didn't matter what we watched, or really what we did. It only mattered that we were together. And that's all that will ever matter to me.

---

So. I haven't written in forever. Some of you might have noticed. It's because I gave up writing these. For personal reasons. However, I got asked to do this one on request from a friend of mine. I never write as well when forced, so it's not that great, but I got it done in about 20 minutes and figured I'd share it here.
As always, comments are loved.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

It's Called Insomnia

If you know that song, you're kinda amazing. <3
Anyway I haven't blogged in a really long time, like almost a week, so I should write something. Alot's been going on, so I'll have something to say at least.

So, my aunt was in an accident a few days ago. Her kids were all in the car. They're all alright now, only one is still even in the hospital. Except Alice. We got the call on Friday that she didn't make it. She was only four.

My cousins have always been a part of my life. Whenever we used to go visit my aunt, she'd always let me watch the kids when she was at work. A few years ago, we all even went to DisneyLand and I got to be the babysitter for the younger ones while the older ones did their own thing. They're my inspiration for why I want to be a pediatrician. They're why I love kids.

So anyway, it's hitting us sorta harder than expected. Thankfully Mom's been alright. I've been doing a little worse, but Ben and Bethany and a few of my other friends have been helping to keep my mind off it, which I'm thankful for.

We're all going out to Nevada for the funeral. So far the trip has been very long. We picked up my dad in Denver. We like to pretend we're a happy family at least. After that we had 6 hour drive to get to Nevada. That was last night. I watched a movie and talked to Ben and that helped. I had my headphones on. Then Mom told me to go to sleep, because I hadn't slept at all the night before.

It is hard to sleep when the two other people in the car are fighting nonstop. Honestly, you'd think they do it on purpose. "The exit ramp is the next one" "No, it's not, it's 132, I've told you this over and over do you even listen?" Wow, why don't we actually READ the exit sign and it'll tell us? It's frustrating. So I got no sleep last night.

But today we got to the hotel and I crashed for four hours. Now, here's the thing. I'm used to never sleeping. I'm a bit insomniatic by nature. So after four hours of sleep, I feel completely awake and fine. I guess that's a good thing?

Anyway, there's your update.

Jazz

Monday, April 19, 2010

And now that I have gotten that out, let's all be happy.

So, now I suppose I can take a quick moment to talk about all the happy things I mentioned in the last post.
I am home again, but we leave for Chicago in two days. <3 I can't wait. At my dad's things went fine. Just...normal, you know? Made a big dinner for a party. He always throws dinner parties and makes me cook them when I'm there. Sounds mean of him, but I'm the one who begs for it, because I adore his kitchen and he buys whatever foods I need for fancy dishes and such. So I always ask him to throw a party so I can make it all.

I did meet Adam Young at Casa Bonita. It was so amazing. Chris and I talked to him and his band and Paper Route for literally almost a half hour. It was so much fun, and I'm officially certain that he's my favorite singer ever. He's very sweet, even though there's not alot going through his head I don't think. The concert itself afterwords was great, but some of my friends are going to shows on the tour, so I won't spoil it.

And Ben's obviously home by now, he got home the day before I got back to my home. And..yeah. I could ramble about it, but you already know all that sort of thing, so I won't bore you. Just...still in love. Still daydreaming.

And in further news, I have officially become a fan of Taylor Swift. I used to hate country music so I refused to listen to her, but she's really very good, so I am now a fan. I like how almost every song can be applied to a different situation in life. It's cool. :P

For the first time in a long time, I'm going to be mean and I don't give a shit about it.

Good morning, blog.
I was going to write for a few days now. All about how Ben's home and I'm happy. And about how I met Adam Young and talked to him for 20 minutes straight. And about how I love being home, even if we're moving in two days because just being with my mom again is just so nice. I'll post a blog after this to end today's posts happy. But right now I want to change directions with this blog post. This is going to be my rant about everything that's happened lately.

Allie. You remember her, right? The one going out with Andy. The guy who looks like David Archuleta. Anyway. Allie probably will never read this blog again, since we are no longer friends, therefore I will say everything I've wanted to say. Since she got her little boyfriend, she's been treating her friends like crap. Especially us "unfortunate single" ones. She's been all "well, Andy is more important than you" and when we point it out, she gets all "I know you can't get a boyfriend, but don't take that out on me and mine". Allie, sweetheart, I don't want your boyfriend. :\ Anyway, cue Becca. She's...idk. I mean, I love her alot, but Allie pointed out (in a very hateful message. kudos for actually throwing in an F word, girly) that I don't know either her or Becca in real life. (I actually hadn't figured that out on my own, thank you for the update) But it is true, I don't know either of them. I don't know that everything Becca says is true. And that's the reasoning Allie gave for yelling at Becca and burning all their "best friend" bridges. I tried to stand up for Becca, Allie took it as me turning on her, said alot of mean things and blocked me. Like I fucking care. But then now I don't know about Becca...do I trust her? Or was Allie telling the truth?

- For the record, this is why I don't date girls. I can't imagine actually being in the middle of all that any more than I currently am. -

Anyway, that's my little rant.

In summary, Allie, I don't care that we're not friends anymore, I haven't liked you since you got a boyfriend anyway. And you didn't even say goodbye. So, like, whatever. And nice touch blocking me from your storyblog. Because heaven forbid I read about you and your boyfriend making out. geesh.

Becca, I love you, you know that. Just...right now, I need you to be honest with me. Entirely honest with me. I don't know what to believe, and I won't be mad if you did lie. I just want to know the truth in all this.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Dear Vienna, Are You Singing?

Last night Ben left. Well, okay, we'll start a little earlier. Yesterday morning Ben woke me up. And then we talked all day. Minus school hours. And then last night he left. He's going on vacation to the foreign exciting land of the US. He's actually going to the second coolest city in the world though, so I'm jealous, haha. Sad thing is, he's going to be gone..for less than a week, I'll admit. Though I'm going to miss him all five days...

But I have distractions to keep me...er..distracted.
Today is the Owl City concert. I've only ever been to one concert before and it was just in a little coffee shop and it wasn't really anything official, so this will be my first real concert. I'm really excited, because I think Owl City is my favorite musical artist. People say his songs have no point, but I find deep meanings to alot of them (okay I admit, Dental Care...not so much haha) I think he's amazing because he's, what, 25? And he still thinks and writes with such innocence. That's how I'll be at 25. Updating my Twitter with movie lines from The Emperor's New Groove.

Anyway, I'm a huge fan, so it should be really fun! I also like Lights, though to a lesser extent. And Paper Route...they used to be my favorite band. Then they got replaced by Breathe Carolina. Then they got replaced by Deas Vail. They're still my favorite band. But Paper Route's not bad, I just hear their shows suck. Oh well.

Mom was going to take me, but she's busy moving stuff at home, so she didn't come with me (I'm at my dad's by the way...don't know if you knew that or not) so instead Chris is taking me. He works, like, 5 minutes from the place anyway. I have to go to work with him at 11 though. And sit in the break room. I always feel uncomfortable in break rooms, like I'm not supposed to be there, but oh well, it's worth it I guess.

So that's my exciting news. After today I have...nothing to do tomorrow, then Thursday is going to be boring, and then Friday I'm having a dinner party, then Saturday I go home and Saturday Ben gets home too.

It all works out. :)

Currently listening to: "Dear Vienna" by Owl City

Friday, April 9, 2010

Ch-ch-changes

Dear blog,
We're moving again. Our landlord got his house taken by the bank because he couldn't make the payments, so he's kicking us out so he can live in our house. I really don't blame him, I mean, it's just a terrible setup, and he's been very nice to us, so we're repainting all the walls white again, and packing up boxes that were never really unpacked. Since Dad's paying the rent for whatever house we're in, we're moving to Chicago. Where we most certainly will be staying, since that's where I'm going to college in two years. We already found a nice place, it's an artsy little loft right by where the trains pass. I'm not one who can't stand noise, and it's alot cheaper just because the trains go all night. Pretty good setup I think. It's small, but it's stylish and completely furnished and it's perfect for us. Nice neighborhood and all.
Plus I love the big city. I will promise you now, if we get to pick our mansions in heaven, mine will be in a skyscraper. haha But my mom can also get a good job because there are always openings in the big hospitals downtown and such.

I can't help but feel a little lost though. I mean, we just got here, and we're already leaving, and I feel like everything's a bit of a whirl. Between the apathetic day to day dreariness, to trying to solve friend problems, to mom always here and there doing this and that to get everything ready...I just feel a little lost.

But last night I felt like maybe once we get all settled in, things will be okay again. Well, as close to okay as they ever were. haha Last night things felt happy again. I'm just hoping they stay that way, at least for a while. <3

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bedroom Galaxy

My thoughts are logical in my bedroom
I lie awake with the desperate moon
I'm wishing it all away, wishing away
I don't need the anxiety

Dirty yellow star,
You're hinting at who you are
Do you feel dead?
Sinking into my water bed
Lost stars on my ceiling are glowing
Your life is a constant impending doom

My thoughts are logical in my bedroom
I lie awake with the desperate moon
I'm wishing it all away, wishing away
I don't need the anxiety

Making friends is never logical

- "Bedroom Galaxy" by Secret & Whisper

I got their new CD 'Teenage Fantasy' last night at midnight. It's probably my favorite CD to ever exist. For some reason, his voice is calming to me, even though alot of people don't like it. All the songs pretty much carry the same messages as the last CD. Unusual and cynical views of every day happenings. Alot of them I can relate to well, especially the one I linked to above.

It's raining today. If that explains the grey this blog seems to be shrouded in. I promise I'll cheer up. Sometimes the world just seems really dismal when I'm home alone for a night...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Happiness is..

listening to Owl City remixes, watching Be Good Johnny Weir with your best friend in a fancy hotel room, and daydreaming. All at once. <3

So anyway, I'll give you a little bit of a story. As most of you know, I'm in Michigan right now. For family reasons. But we decided to go home a day late, because Katie-Ana lives about 20 minutes from here so she's coming over to stay the night at the hotel with us. So we're watching reruns of Be Good, Johnny Weir. My new friend (more on him later) told me about it and then I talked about it to Chris and he was like "ooh you can watch it here online!!" so we hooked up the computer to the TV and we're having the time of our lives throwing ice at eachother and watching it all. It's so much fun!

I also talked to Ben a little today so of course that made everything already wonderful absolutely perfect. Worried about him though. I guess I sorta worry alot, but hey, it's kinda my job. :P Anyway I don't know if he still reads this blog or not. He's been namedropped so much I wouldn't be surprised if he decided not to check back. xD

OH speaking of namedrops, I have a new friend!! His name is Jesus. Okay, so funny story. On Gaia I have two pictures of Johnny Weir is my signature, and I got a random pm from this guy named 'chucknorris ok' and I was, like, cool another fan. We obsessed a little and then totally changed topics. xD And he talks alot and such, and anyway, I didn't know him as anything but 'chucknorris ok' and then I got this random add on Facebook by someone named "Jesus" and I almost didn't add him because I was like 'oh those random people who have no mutual friends. yeah. ' But then I remembered that those random people are usually not Hispanic, they're usually Arabic or German. :P So I added him and then recognized a few pictures from both accounts and was like "OHHHHHH" and it was just really cool cause now I have a new friend! (:

Okay this blog post has been all over. But it is because I am happy.

OH. And Kat is moving!! I won't tell you where or anything, but she's moving. Which makes me sad. And happy at the same time. She'll be further away, but she'll be in the US now, so that's kinda cool I think. Anyway, yes I am happy.

I love life right now. <3

101

Dear REC and readers,
Happy 101st post!

I cannot believe I actually talk this much. Well..yes I can. But still I can't believe I stuck to one blog long enough to hit 101 posts. I like to think maybe we've stumbled upon a few truths, maybe had a few giggles along the way.

Everybody who reads this gets a free cookie.*

Now go have a lovely April Fools' Day, don't do any pranks that will get you slapped in the face (done that by experience..) and forgive me for my lack of creativity because I have absolutely no idea what sort of pranks you can pull on a blog. o_0

Peace Love and All That
Jazz

* limit one (1) per follower, free cookie only redeemable by mail, $5.95 S&H not included.