Sunday, December 5, 2010

Someone Please Hear Me

I know I said goodbye already but this is my silent cry for help. 
I'm struggling to stay above the surface. I feel like nobody understands me. Kat doesn't, Mom doesn't, even Ben doesn't. I feel like a misfit who can't fit in even if I try. I feel worthless, lost, and unloved. 

I feel like Ben never really did care. Still doesn't. Is it selfish for me to want to be to him what he is to me? I want to be the one he thinks about all the time and can't wait to talk to. I want him to think I'm beautiful and I want him to want me more than anything else in the world. I feel forgotten so often. Like I'm the last thing he wants. 

I'm struggling with life. Days are so dark, I hardly find my way anymore. I smile and pretend I'm okay. Nobody likes mopey people. Nobody would understand anyway. 

I'm struggling with my past. There are so many things I regret. I can't seem to move on from the past. It haunts me, worse all the time. My friends try to relate, they really do. They say my innocence was taken, it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think it was.  And it's not just that it happened. It's another scar now. 

That's why I could never be beautiful. I have too many scars. I have scars on my arms from nights I almost didn't live through. I have scars from abandonment and abuse. I have scars from my past that don't heal. Ever since the last time, this summer, I can't let people touch me. Not even Kat. Barely even my own mom. No one could ever find something so broken beautiful. 

This is my silent cry for help. I want someone to understand. I want someone to tell me I'm still worth something, still beautiful to them. I want them to really mean it though. I want the sun to shine again. I want to trust. I want to fall in love. This time I want him to love me back. 

I want everything to be different. Because I'm desperately trying to hold on. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010


Dear Benjamin,
I can't believe I'm writing this. Not to you. Never to you. I want to say sorry for all of this mess, it was never my intention. But now that it's over, you should know a few things. Just things I wouldn't have told you, but I guess I failed at my "not pushing you away" thing.

- You were what I dreamed about almost every night.
- I meant every word I ever said to you. Even when I said I loved you.
- I think your glasses look amazing on you. Wear them more often. It's also useful for reading with them. I've found that out recently. :P
- I have 170 available texts in my inbox. 165 of them are locked. They're all from you.
- I do listen to your voicemail you left me. I have it saved. As long as I listen to it within 21 days, it won't self-delete.
- You never taught me how to make a paper fortune. or an airplane. I will forever wonder.
- I have 28 freckles.
- I never listened to Metric, Daphne Loves Derby, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, or Rihanna on my own accord. Sure I like them, but I first listened to them simply because you did.
- I wish with all my heart it could have been me. And I always will.

As Erin McCarley's song says :
Go on, the stars are watching, just say what you're feeling. You know you've gotta take a bow and do it your way. And it's okay.

And it really is. I hope you find someone amazing, just as amazing as you are. I'll miss your texting me goodnight. More than you know. But I'll be happy for you whatever happens in your life. Thanks for the smiles and the memories. Thanks for making me feel alive. You did that so well.
I won't forget you. I swear.

Don't forget me?
If you ever come to Chicago, and I honestly hope you do - it's beautiful and wonderful - ride the L trains. And go to Navy Pier. It's stunning at sunset. (:

REC, this is your last post. We're parting ways now. You've been great, but I don't need your memories. Not anymore.

Benjamin, have a wonderful life. I mean that, completely honestly. You deserve it.

Alexxandre Jasper Roux

My Favorite Chapter

"I lied to you because I thought it would be better to be remembered as crazy than not remembered at all." I whispered. Ben didn't look at me; he stared at the floor. I could read by his expression that he was trying to sort it all out. He didn't speak. "Ben, say something." I reached for his hand, but he pulled it away.
"I'm going to leave before I do say something." He turned to leave, but turned back around. "Don't..don't expect to hear from me for a long time." I let a tear slip out as he walked away.
"Ben, please don't. Don't leave, don't do this." I failed at keeping the tremor from my voice. "You're the one thing in my life going right, don't leave, please don't leave." I pleaded, not caring if he knew I was crying. He looked at me for a moment before shaking his head and walking away. I felt the emptiness creeping in again. The tears slipped out faster, but I hardly noticed them. How long was a long time? Why shouldn't he hate me? I'd lied to him, but wasn't it better to know the truth now? All the questions spiraled through my mind in a whirlpool. Before I knew it, I was drowning. I stumbled numbly along the hallway. I could deal with sadness, but emptiness was what scared me. I couldn't feel anything. I stopped short and thought about it. What did I have left in life? What else was going right? What else even mattered besides Ben? Nothing. There was nothing in life worth going after. Not without him. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to turn my thoughts to the sunshine, to the warmth. I could feel nothing. I needed somebody to hold me accountable. In desperation, I looked around the emptying hallway. Wendi was gone, as were Angelina and Marie. Zach was still at his locker putting away stray books. As I approached him, I tried to formulate something to say. Zach wasn't particularly fond of me, but he was all I had.
"I know you hate me, but I need someone to talk to." I began. Abrupt, but then again, I wasn't in the mood for flowery words.
"Okay." he turned and looked at me slightly suspiciously.
"I..I feel empty right now. Like, there's nothing left. Ben's gone, and I'm scared and I don't want to hurt myself, but I think.." I swallowed and took a breath to try to make sense of my words. "There's nobody at home, and I'm scared. What do I do, Zach? Help me, please. Help me." I looked him in the eyes, trying my best to not give him the wrong idea.
"Josh, I can only tell you what I've already told you." He said sounding annoyed. "Ben sounds like trouble. If he makes you feel like this, then he's not good for you; he's not good for anybody." He picked up his backpack and walked past me. I'm not sure what I had expected, comfort perhaps. Not from him. He wasn't interested in that sort of thing. He saw my resigned expression and stopped. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I can't help any further than that."
"It's okay." I mumbled. I had to get as far as I could away from this place. I was on my own tonight, and all I wanted was to collapse. Once I'd walked the endless three blocks to the house, I fumbled with the key in the bolt and opened the door. I didn't bother to close it, but dropped my bag at the door and stumbled to the bathroom. I locked both doors in the bathroom. What was I doing? There was nothing wrong, Ben was just a boy. But something about the way he'd looked at me caused an ache deep inside where I was sure my heart must have been. My phone vibrated - another text from Kalie. I didn't want to talk to her, she was part of the problem. Tossing my phone onto the floor, I leaned with both hands on the rim of the sink and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was dissheveled and tears stained my face.
I reached back into my pocket and removed a small sharp metal blade I kept on me since we'd lived in Chicago. I looked it over carefully. What good would it do? Something deep inside told me it would fill the emptiness with pain. "Better to feel something than nothing." I whispered. I held my wrist over the sink and allowed the blade to open the recently-healed skin. After making three matched wounds on my wrists, I dropped the blade and slid to the floor against the locked door. Somewhere along the way I'd stopped crying. The fresh pain mixed with the blood on the floor, but it didn't calm me as it usually did. My phone vibrated with another worried text. I looked at the object for a moment before reaching over and picking it up. I closed the inbox without reading the messages and dialed my own number. The automated woman's voice prompted for my password. I entered the 4-digit number.
"4 new messages. 1 saved message." the voice read. I pressed 1 to play the saved message; I didn't care for the new message. A click signaled the start of the message. I pressed the phone to my ear with both hands at the sound of his voice. I had the message memorized by heart, but just hearing it caused a bittersweet twang in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes tight and let another tear slip. He laughed and I couldn't manage to listen to the rest of the message. I closed the phone and lay it down on the floor beside me. None of it mattered now, I reminded myslelf as I shut my eyes and tried to forget the things that once made me smile.

I opened my eyes. I was on the swing in the middle of the forest. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and scanned the trees. The little bridge was empty and still. I sighed inwardly. He wasn't even here in my mind. When I looked up again, he was there. He was standing right in front of me, watching me carefully. There was a slightly dark look in his eyes.
"You shouldn't lie, you know." He said coldly.
"I know. I didn't mean to." I said, breaking down on the last two words. Something about him softened and he sat on the swing next to me.
"Then why did you?" he asked as he put an arm around me and pulled me to lean on his shoulder.
"I just wanted to be noticed by you, that's all." There was something stiff about his movements. But I didn't mind, I just wanted to be held by him at all. "I won't lie to you again, I promise."
"And how can I believe that?" he snapped.
"I...I don't know." I mumbled.

My cellphone rang and buzzed on the tile floor. I jolted and sat up, unsure how long I'd been asleep. The room spun and I was lightheaded, but I recognized the ringtone as my mom's and picked up the phone.
"Josh?" I tried to get my voice to sound natural.
"Hey, Mom."
"I'm getting off work; I should be home in about twenty minutes. Can you boil some water for spaghetti?" I choked a bit trying to get my words out smoothly.
"Sure can! See you when you get home. Love you."
"Love you too!" she said before hanging up. Twenty minutes. I put the pot of water on the burner and returned to the bathroom with a roll of paper towels and cleaning spray. I wiped away the streaks of red evidence and washed my hands and cell phone case. I looked in the mirror and wiped at my eyes in an attempt to wipe away the redness. I tried on a smile, but it looked fake. Hopefully she would be tired and not pay too close attention to my appearance. "I'm home!" She said as she walked through the door. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, being sure to put on a jacket to hide the fresh red lines along my wrists. I smiled and laughed through supper, but I couldn't eat. I pretended I had a stomachache and laughed it off as nothing. It wasn't until dishes that Mom decided to ask the question I'd been dreading. "Are things alright with you?" she asked as she handed me a soapy plate.
I looked away from her, finding interest in placing the plate in an even row. "I guess."
"What of Ben? Are you two getting along?" She had turned off the faucet and was watching me suspicously. I sighed.
"Ben is Ben. We're fine." I smiled. I felt bad lying to her, but the truth would have been worse. She nodded and continued washing dishes. As I closed the dishwasher, I realized I couldn't make it through this without her knowing. I needed to think, needed to be alone. "Mom, I'm gonna go for a walk." I said quickly.
"Joshua, it's almost 7:00." She said, worried.
"It'll be a short walk. I just need to get some air. Might make my stomach feel better." I lied again.
"I'll come with you then." She reached to get her jacket.
"No!" It came out too abruptly. She looked at me strangely. "I just want to go around the block. You're tired, I'm sure. I'll be right back. I need to call Kalie, I've been avoiding her all day." Mom nodded, though I couldn't tell if she believed me or not. She kissed me on the cheek.
"Alright. Have a nice walk." I smiled and turned to leave. As soon as the door was shut behind me I took a deep breath and left. I needed to be alone. I couldn't keep pretending I was alright. I wanted to scream or cry or something. But nothing happened, all I could do was walk. I found myself at the old park, farther from home than I expected. It was already dark out, and the park looked altogether haunted. But I wandered closer anyway and sat on one of the swings. Just being alone in the quiet helped to calm me a little.

I walked through the hallway. My messy red hair and dark circles beneath my eyes were the evidences of a sleepless night. I was still wearing my clothes from last night with the same zipped hoodie to cover the bloodstains and the scars along my arms. I considered faking a smile, but that would just be another lie. Besides, all my friends would look at me and know in an instant that I'd been crying. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I fumbled with the lock on my locker. Everything was blurry from a combination of sleeplessness and hopelessness. After a moment I gave up and simply stood there, letting my bag slump to the ground by my feet.
"You are impossible to be upset with." Surprised at the sound of his voice, I turned quickly. I tried to think of something to say, but he continued on after a deep breath. "I'm really sorry. I overreacted yesterday. I think I was just on edge because of Lucas. I shouldn't have said the things I did. Please forgive me." He looked down at his hands. Me forgive him? I couldn't even fathom why he should be sorry.
"Of course." I stuttered. "I'm sorry too. For not telling the truth for so long. You mean alot to me, hurting and disappointing you is the last thing I wanted to do." He took a step towards me and put his arms around me. It felt as if I'd woken up to summer after a long night of winter. After a moment, he stepped back and studied me thoughtfully.
"I wasn't even mad, I...I don't know what I was." he said quietly.
"Whatever it was, was entirely justified." I admitted.
"Please don't be mad at me."
I nearly laughed. Mad at him? I'd spent the night crying because I'd thought he was mad at me. "I'm not mad at you. I couldn't be." I smiled.
"But you're still upset. What else is bothering you?" I loved that about Ben. He'd know something was wrong even when I wasn't sure I did.
"I just...feel really bad is all." I admitted, looking at my shoes. He gently lifted my chin until I was forced to look at him.
"Don't feel bad. Honestly. It was stupid and I shouldn't have done that. I feel awful. And I read your blog...I felt so terrible." I tried to recall what I wrote on my blog. I couldn't even remember what it said. I tried to shift the topic a little.
"Well from now on I'll do my very best not to let you down again." I offered.
"Let me down? You didn't let me down, Josh." Ben replied gently.
"I broke your trust." He hadn't trusted me to begin with. "Sort of." I ammended.
"So you told me a story I didn't really believe to cover up something I already knew. I don't care." He said quietly. "Josh." He looked me in the eyes. "I care a lot about you, please never forget that. And I hate when I make you sad." Those were the words I had wanted to hear for so long now. I closed my eyes, unsure what to say in reply.
"To-to be honest." I stumbled. "I'm just glad you're talking to me. Back then I wasn't sure what to think, I was trying to be different. Be noticed by you. I know you better now, though." I admitted.
"But you were different." He insisted. "You had the most incredible eyes I'd ever seen, and an unshakable optimism on life. And although I may complain about it sometimes" he paused "I love you for it." I smiled. I couldn't help but smile. Through all the tears the night before, I'd never expected him to say that. I expected him to be angry, or at best simply accepting, but not to love me.
"That's what I mean." I said with a grin. "I'd never really had to try to impress anyone, I guess I didn't quite know how to do it." This time he smiled.
"You're adorable." The bell rang signaling we only had two minutes until class started. "Are you alright though? I'm not just asking to be nice, I really want to know."
I nodded. I felt like crying again, not because I was sad, but because I was finally truly happy. "You made me smile. I'm definitely alright." I whispered.
"Good." Ben leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I'll walk you to class?"
"I'd like that." I said as I picked up my bag. He reached for my hand and we walked down the hallway. If we were late for Geometry, we'd be late together.


No need for names anymore, this was always the story.

I want summer to end

So for anyone who noticed, the last post was post 200.
I didn't want to ruin the mood and say that on the post, but like it matters anyway. Nothing happy ever seems to matter.

I'm sorry, that's yesterday's pessimism showing through. I'm having an unhappy sort of day. There's a storm outside, loud thunder, lots of lightning. I'm sitting on my bed watching it with a cup of sugar cookie tea, just watching the raindrops hit the window. The city looks so dismal and cold. It looks cold. The train keeps passing, it looks cold as well. It's 82 outside, but you'd never know. It reminds me of Windsor in wintertime. A scene frozen in memory, bits of snow flitting across the street in gusty swirls as we passed Devonshire Mall. A strange thing to remember, but the sky was that same dismal grey, but there was something almost...wonderful about it. It was almost Christmas then, with lights and decorations scattered throughout the city. Maybe that's why I like that memory. As I look out towards the foggy buildings of downtown Chicago, I can almost picture the same chilly cold of November.

But things are never as they seem. It's warm once I leave my cold little window-nook. There are no Christmas lights, no stray snowflakes, no magic to today. All of it is simply in my imagination, as the most wonderful things always are.

Currently listening to: Breathe Your Name by Sixpence None The Richer. This song too. It's in the memory of home.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

incandescently happy [in-can-des-ent-lee hap-py] - adj.

1. A state of bliss beyond normal or average happiness, reserved only for special occasions

2. Alexx's current emotional state


Friday, August 6, 2010


I forgot the last bit of the post.. but it's still a part.
See, the only thing about flirting with Ben is sometimes I say things. I think they fit, but then he either laughs at me and I feel a little stupid or he says something teasing about it and I feel really stupid. I guess that's a downside to me in general. I never fit in.

By the way, yes I am trying to get to post 200.
This is post 199.


My last post, was actually about online friends. About how it feels to see parts of their life on the outside. I posted it because I was watching Ben's youtube channel, and sort of wondering how different online friends are in real life. I think sometimes not much, but other times I wonder. Not about Ben, just in general. Anyway, I asked him what he thought the blog post was about and he thought it was about his sexy texts and my reaction. Which ironically, would fit the description perfectly and even more ironically was what I was going to blog about before I changed my mind because I thought he'd be weirded out. But he said to post it.

So, lately Ben has been rather forward. Lately. haha He used to be even more forward, but then he kept it a bit cuter. He's back to it. Now, see, I used to be all shy and awkward with it. Because it honestly used to weird me out a bit. But I didn't care. Nowadays, I'm just an awkward shy kid. I can flirt only slightly better than I can dance [I can't dance]. But I'm going to admit it, I kinda like it when he says sexy sorts of things, and instead of being the shy kid who says "lol :P" and doesn't reply until I quit blushing, I've been trying to flirt back. Which I fail at. Thankfully Ben doesn't care so much, just laughs at me and moves on. So we've had a few of those moments when I have no idea what to say, and were it real life would randomly shout "AWKWARD SILENCE" but y'know what, I don't mind. :P