Someone Please Hear Me

I know I said goodbye already but this is my silent cry for help. 
I'm struggling to stay above the surface. I feel like nobody understands me. Kat doesn't, Mom doesn't, even Ben doesn't. I feel like a misfit who can't fit in even if I try. I feel worthless, lost, and unloved. 

I feel like Ben never really did care. Still doesn't. Is it selfish for me to want to be to him what he is to me? I want to be the one he thinks about all the time and can't wait to talk to. I want him to think I'm beautiful and I want him to want me more than anything else in the world. I feel forgotten so often. Like I'm the last thing he wants. 

I'm struggling with life. Days are so dark, I hardly find my way anymore. I smile and pretend I'm okay. Nobody likes mopey people. Nobody would understand anyway. 

I'm struggling with my past. There are so many things I regret. I can't seem to move on from the past. It haunts me, worse all the time. My friends try to relate, they really do. They say my innocence was taken, it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think it was.  And it's not just that it happened. It's another scar now. 

That's why I could never be beautiful. I have too many scars. I have scars on my arms from nights I almost didn't live through. I have scars from abandonment and abuse. I have scars from my past that don't heal. Ever since the last time, this summer, I can't let people touch me. Not even Kat. Barely even my own mom. No one could ever find something so broken beautiful. 

This is my silent cry for help. I want someone to understand. I want someone to tell me I'm still worth something, still beautiful to them. I want them to really mean it though. I want the sun to shine again. I want to trust. I want to fall in love. This time I want him to love me back. 

I want everything to be different. Because I'm desperately trying to hold on. 

Goodbye

Dear Benjamin,
I can't believe I'm writing this. Not to you. Never to you. I want to say sorry for all of this mess, it was never my intention. But now that it's over, you should know a few things. Just things I wouldn't have told you, but I guess I failed at my "not pushing you away" thing.

- You were what I dreamed about almost every night.
- I meant every word I ever said to you. Even when I said I loved you.
- I think your glasses look amazing on you. Wear them more often. It's also useful for reading with them. I've found that out recently. :P
- I have 170 available texts in my inbox. 165 of them are locked. They're all from you.
- I do listen to your voicemail you left me. I have it saved. As long as I listen to it within 21 days, it won't self-delete.
- You never taught me how to make a paper fortune. or an airplane. I will forever wonder.
- I have 28 freckles.
- I never listened to Metric, Daphne Loves Derby, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, or Rihanna on my own accord. Sure I like them, but I first listened to them simply because you did.
- I wish with all my heart it could have been me. And I always will.

As Erin McCarley's song says :
Go on, the stars are watching, just say what you're feeling. You know you've gotta take a bow and do it your way. And it's okay.

And it really is. I hope you find someone amazing, just as amazing as you are. I'll miss your texting me goodnight. More than you know. But I'll be happy for you whatever happens in your life. Thanks for the smiles and the memories. Thanks for making me feel alive. You did that so well.
I won't forget you. I swear.

Don't forget me?
If you ever come to Chicago, and I honestly hope you do - it's beautiful and wonderful - ride the L trains. And go to Navy Pier. It's stunning at sunset. (:

REC, this is your last post. We're parting ways now. You've been great, but I don't need your memories. Not anymore.

Benjamin, have a wonderful life. I mean that, completely honestly. You deserve it.

Love,
Alexxandre Jasper Roux

My Favorite Chapter

"I lied to you because I thought it would be better to be remembered as crazy than not remembered at all." I whispered. Ben didn't look at me; he stared at the floor. I could read by his expression that he was trying to sort it all out. He didn't speak. "Ben, say something." I reached for his hand, but he pulled it away.
"I'm going to leave before I do say something." He turned to leave, but turned back around. "Don't..don't expect to hear from me for a long time." I let a tear slip out as he walked away.
"Ben, please don't. Don't leave, don't do this." I failed at keeping the tremor from my voice. "You're the one thing in my life going right, don't leave, please don't leave." I pleaded, not caring if he knew I was crying. He looked at me for a moment before shaking his head and walking away. I felt the emptiness creeping in again. The tears slipped out faster, but I hardly noticed them. How long was a long time? Why shouldn't he hate me? I'd lied to him, but wasn't it better to know the truth now? All the questions spiraled through my mind in a whirlpool. Before I knew it, I was drowning. I stumbled numbly along the hallway. I could deal with sadness, but emptiness was what scared me. I couldn't feel anything. I stopped short and thought about it. What did I have left in life? What else was going right? What else even mattered besides Ben? Nothing. There was nothing in life worth going after. Not without him. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to turn my thoughts to the sunshine, to the warmth. I could feel nothing. I needed somebody to hold me accountable. In desperation, I looked around the emptying hallway. Wendi was gone, as were Angelina and Marie. Zach was still at his locker putting away stray books. As I approached him, I tried to formulate something to say. Zach wasn't particularly fond of me, but he was all I had.
"I know you hate me, but I need someone to talk to." I began. Abrupt, but then again, I wasn't in the mood for flowery words.
"Okay." he turned and looked at me slightly suspiciously.
"I..I feel empty right now. Like, there's nothing left. Ben's gone, and I'm scared and I don't want to hurt myself, but I think.." I swallowed and took a breath to try to make sense of my words. "There's nobody at home, and I'm scared. What do I do, Zach? Help me, please. Help me." I looked him in the eyes, trying my best to not give him the wrong idea.
"Josh, I can only tell you what I've already told you." He said sounding annoyed. "Ben sounds like trouble. If he makes you feel like this, then he's not good for you; he's not good for anybody." He picked up his backpack and walked past me. I'm not sure what I had expected, comfort perhaps. Not from him. He wasn't interested in that sort of thing. He saw my resigned expression and stopped. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I can't help any further than that."
"It's okay." I mumbled. I had to get as far as I could away from this place. I was on my own tonight, and all I wanted was to collapse. Once I'd walked the endless three blocks to the house, I fumbled with the key in the bolt and opened the door. I didn't bother to close it, but dropped my bag at the door and stumbled to the bathroom. I locked both doors in the bathroom. What was I doing? There was nothing wrong, Ben was just a boy. But something about the way he'd looked at me caused an ache deep inside where I was sure my heart must have been. My phone vibrated - another text from Kalie. I didn't want to talk to her, she was part of the problem. Tossing my phone onto the floor, I leaned with both hands on the rim of the sink and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was dissheveled and tears stained my face.
I reached back into my pocket and removed a small sharp metal blade I kept on me since we'd lived in Chicago. I looked it over carefully. What good would it do? Something deep inside told me it would fill the emptiness with pain. "Better to feel something than nothing." I whispered. I held my wrist over the sink and allowed the blade to open the recently-healed skin. After making three matched wounds on my wrists, I dropped the blade and slid to the floor against the locked door. Somewhere along the way I'd stopped crying. The fresh pain mixed with the blood on the floor, but it didn't calm me as it usually did. My phone vibrated with another worried text. I looked at the object for a moment before reaching over and picking it up. I closed the inbox without reading the messages and dialed my own number. The automated woman's voice prompted for my password. I entered the 4-digit number.
"4 new messages. 1 saved message." the voice read. I pressed 1 to play the saved message; I didn't care for the new message. A click signaled the start of the message. I pressed the phone to my ear with both hands at the sound of his voice. I had the message memorized by heart, but just hearing it caused a bittersweet twang in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes tight and let another tear slip. He laughed and I couldn't manage to listen to the rest of the message. I closed the phone and lay it down on the floor beside me. None of it mattered now, I reminded myslelf as I shut my eyes and tried to forget the things that once made me smile.

I opened my eyes. I was on the swing in the middle of the forest. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and scanned the trees. The little bridge was empty and still. I sighed inwardly. He wasn't even here in my mind. When I looked up again, he was there. He was standing right in front of me, watching me carefully. There was a slightly dark look in his eyes.
"You shouldn't lie, you know." He said coldly.
"I know. I didn't mean to." I said, breaking down on the last two words. Something about him softened and he sat on the swing next to me.
"Then why did you?" he asked as he put an arm around me and pulled me to lean on his shoulder.
"I just wanted to be noticed by you, that's all." There was something stiff about his movements. But I didn't mind, I just wanted to be held by him at all. "I won't lie to you again, I promise."
"And how can I believe that?" he snapped.
"I...I don't know." I mumbled.

My cellphone rang and buzzed on the tile floor. I jolted and sat up, unsure how long I'd been asleep. The room spun and I was lightheaded, but I recognized the ringtone as my mom's and picked up the phone.
"Josh?" I tried to get my voice to sound natural.
"Hey, Mom."
"I'm getting off work; I should be home in about twenty minutes. Can you boil some water for spaghetti?" I choked a bit trying to get my words out smoothly.
"Sure can! See you when you get home. Love you."
"Love you too!" she said before hanging up. Twenty minutes. I put the pot of water on the burner and returned to the bathroom with a roll of paper towels and cleaning spray. I wiped away the streaks of red evidence and washed my hands and cell phone case. I looked in the mirror and wiped at my eyes in an attempt to wipe away the redness. I tried on a smile, but it looked fake. Hopefully she would be tired and not pay too close attention to my appearance. "I'm home!" She said as she walked through the door. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, being sure to put on a jacket to hide the fresh red lines along my wrists. I smiled and laughed through supper, but I couldn't eat. I pretended I had a stomachache and laughed it off as nothing. It wasn't until dishes that Mom decided to ask the question I'd been dreading. "Are things alright with you?" she asked as she handed me a soapy plate.
I looked away from her, finding interest in placing the plate in an even row. "I guess."
"What of Ben? Are you two getting along?" She had turned off the faucet and was watching me suspicously. I sighed.
"Ben is Ben. We're fine." I smiled. I felt bad lying to her, but the truth would have been worse. She nodded and continued washing dishes. As I closed the dishwasher, I realized I couldn't make it through this without her knowing. I needed to think, needed to be alone. "Mom, I'm gonna go for a walk." I said quickly.
"Joshua, it's almost 7:00." She said, worried.
"It'll be a short walk. I just need to get some air. Might make my stomach feel better." I lied again.
"I'll come with you then." She reached to get her jacket.
"No!" It came out too abruptly. She looked at me strangely. "I just want to go around the block. You're tired, I'm sure. I'll be right back. I need to call Kalie, I've been avoiding her all day." Mom nodded, though I couldn't tell if she believed me or not. She kissed me on the cheek.
"Alright. Have a nice walk." I smiled and turned to leave. As soon as the door was shut behind me I took a deep breath and left. I needed to be alone. I couldn't keep pretending I was alright. I wanted to scream or cry or something. But nothing happened, all I could do was walk. I found myself at the old park, farther from home than I expected. It was already dark out, and the park looked altogether haunted. But I wandered closer anyway and sat on one of the swings. Just being alone in the quiet helped to calm me a little.


I walked through the hallway. My messy red hair and dark circles beneath my eyes were the evidences of a sleepless night. I was still wearing my clothes from last night with the same zipped hoodie to cover the bloodstains and the scars along my arms. I considered faking a smile, but that would just be another lie. Besides, all my friends would look at me and know in an instant that I'd been crying. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I fumbled with the lock on my locker. Everything was blurry from a combination of sleeplessness and hopelessness. After a moment I gave up and simply stood there, letting my bag slump to the ground by my feet.
"You are impossible to be upset with." Surprised at the sound of his voice, I turned quickly. I tried to think of something to say, but he continued on after a deep breath. "I'm really sorry. I overreacted yesterday. I think I was just on edge because of Lucas. I shouldn't have said the things I did. Please forgive me." He looked down at his hands. Me forgive him? I couldn't even fathom why he should be sorry.
"Of course." I stuttered. "I'm sorry too. For not telling the truth for so long. You mean alot to me, hurting and disappointing you is the last thing I wanted to do." He took a step towards me and put his arms around me. It felt as if I'd woken up to summer after a long night of winter. After a moment, he stepped back and studied me thoughtfully.
"I wasn't even mad, I...I don't know what I was." he said quietly.
"Whatever it was, was entirely justified." I admitted.
"Please don't be mad at me."
I nearly laughed. Mad at him? I'd spent the night crying because I'd thought he was mad at me. "I'm not mad at you. I couldn't be." I smiled.
"But you're still upset. What else is bothering you?" I loved that about Ben. He'd know something was wrong even when I wasn't sure I did.
"I just...feel really bad is all." I admitted, looking at my shoes. He gently lifted my chin until I was forced to look at him.
"Don't feel bad. Honestly. It was stupid and I shouldn't have done that. I feel awful. And I read your blog...I felt so terrible." I tried to recall what I wrote on my blog. I couldn't even remember what it said. I tried to shift the topic a little.
"Well from now on I'll do my very best not to let you down again." I offered.
"Let me down? You didn't let me down, Josh." Ben replied gently.
"I broke your trust." He hadn't trusted me to begin with. "Sort of." I ammended.
"So you told me a story I didn't really believe to cover up something I already knew. I don't care." He said quietly. "Josh." He looked me in the eyes. "I care a lot about you, please never forget that. And I hate when I make you sad." Those were the words I had wanted to hear for so long now. I closed my eyes, unsure what to say in reply.
"To-to be honest." I stumbled. "I'm just glad you're talking to me. Back then I wasn't sure what to think, I was trying to be different. Be noticed by you. I know you better now, though." I admitted.
"But you were different." He insisted. "You had the most incredible eyes I'd ever seen, and an unshakable optimism on life. And although I may complain about it sometimes" he paused "I love you for it." I smiled. I couldn't help but smile. Through all the tears the night before, I'd never expected him to say that. I expected him to be angry, or at best simply accepting, but not to love me.
"That's what I mean." I said with a grin. "I'd never really had to try to impress anyone, I guess I didn't quite know how to do it." This time he smiled.
"You're adorable." The bell rang signaling we only had two minutes until class started. "Are you alright though? I'm not just asking to be nice, I really want to know."
I nodded. I felt like crying again, not because I was sad, but because I was finally truly happy. "You made me smile. I'm definitely alright." I whispered.
"Good." Ben leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I'll walk you to class?"
"I'd like that." I said as I picked up my bag. He reached for my hand and we walked down the hallway. If we were late for Geometry, we'd be late together.

--

No need for names anymore, this was always the story.

I want summer to end

So for anyone who noticed, the last post was post 200.
I didn't want to ruin the mood and say that on the post, but like it matters anyway. Nothing happy ever seems to matter.

I'm sorry, that's yesterday's pessimism showing through. I'm having an unhappy sort of day. There's a storm outside, loud thunder, lots of lightning. I'm sitting on my bed watching it with a cup of sugar cookie tea, just watching the raindrops hit the window. The city looks so dismal and cold. It looks cold. The train keeps passing, it looks cold as well. It's 82 outside, but you'd never know. It reminds me of Windsor in wintertime. A scene frozen in memory, bits of snow flitting across the street in gusty swirls as we passed Devonshire Mall. A strange thing to remember, but the sky was that same dismal grey, but there was something almost...wonderful about it. It was almost Christmas then, with lights and decorations scattered throughout the city. Maybe that's why I like that memory. As I look out towards the foggy buildings of downtown Chicago, I can almost picture the same chilly cold of November.

But things are never as they seem. It's warm once I leave my cold little window-nook. There are no Christmas lights, no stray snowflakes, no magic to today. All of it is simply in my imagination, as the most wonderful things always are.

Currently listening to: Breathe Your Name by Sixpence None The Richer. This song too. It's in the memory of home.

incandescently happy [in-can-des-ent-lee hap-py] - adj.

1. A state of bliss beyond normal or average happiness, reserved only for special occasions

2. Alexx's current emotional state

<33

Ammendment

I forgot the last bit of the post.. but it's still a part.
See, the only thing about flirting with Ben is sometimes I say things. I think they fit, but then he either laughs at me and I feel a little stupid or he says something teasing about it and I feel really stupid. I guess that's a downside to me in general. I never fit in.

By the way, yes I am trying to get to post 200.
This is post 199.

AWKWARD

My last post, was actually about online friends. About how it feels to see parts of their life on the outside. I posted it because I was watching Ben's youtube channel, and sort of wondering how different online friends are in real life. I think sometimes not much, but other times I wonder. Not about Ben, just in general. Anyway, I asked him what he thought the blog post was about and he thought it was about his sexy texts and my reaction. Which ironically, would fit the description perfectly and even more ironically was what I was going to blog about before I changed my mind because I thought he'd be weirded out. But he said to post it.

So, lately Ben has been rather forward. Lately. haha He used to be even more forward, but then he kept it a bit cuter. He's back to it. Now, see, I used to be all shy and awkward with it. Because it honestly used to weird me out a bit. But I didn't care. Nowadays, I'm just an awkward shy kid. I can flirt only slightly better than I can dance [I can't dance]. But I'm going to admit it, I kinda like it when he says sexy sorts of things, and instead of being the shy kid who says "lol :P" and doesn't reply until I quit blushing, I've been trying to flirt back. Which I fail at. Thankfully Ben doesn't care so much, just laughs at me and moves on. So we've had a few of those moments when I have no idea what to say, and were it real life would randomly shout "AWKWARD SILENCE" but y'know what, I don't mind. :P

Please Tell Me Someone Knows What I'm Talking About In This Post

Did I ever tell you it hurts? It does. I mean, I love it. There's a strange fascination involved, maybe it's curiosity. To wonder, imagine. That's it. Imagine. There's a fascination with somehow shaping my imagination a bit more like reality. And I like that. It makes it all seem realer. Regardless of my involvement, it feels like...you're not something in my mind, but in reality. And I like that. But it does hurt. A little. A lot. Depending on the day. That's why I never did it before. I'd try in snatches, but I couldn't do it all at once. Today I did. It made my thoughts spin, made little snatches of hurt, but it made me smile a bit. Regardless of consequence, I can see it all that bit clearer now. My imagination is one step closer to reality. Maybe reality and imagination will collide at some point?

I can only hope so.

Nothing To Say

I'd like to say it's been raining all day, but it hasn't been. It's been sunny as ever, but sunshine can't seem to reach me. I pretended I was happy and tried to push it away, but now there's no one left to tell but you, so I'm telling you. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I don't even know why, I just sat there wishing I could close my eyes and escape reality. But I had to get up and I had to get dressed and I had to live through today. But now we're watching a movie and I can't seem to concentrate. I can't get words out of my head. I take a lot of what people say to heart, though I don't tell them so. And then later when I'm alone all the words will spin through my mind in a dizzying waltz. I can't get so many things out of my head that I want to. And when I told my mom, she just told me to keep taking my cymbalta. They say that causes suicidal thoughts in people under 18. I haven't told her, but I have been taking only half the dosage for a week. Which is worse - feeling like you're losing your mind or feeling like you want to die? The worst part is that tomorrow I'll wake up, force myself out of bed (or not. I'm by myself tomorrow, maybe I'll just lie there all day and stare at the ceiling) and tell anybody who asks that I'm perfectly happy. I won't be lying because I'll honestly try my best to smile and laugh and find something to cheer me up. But sooner or later they'll see through me, or they'll get sick of me and I'll be alone with a painted smile.

What's the remedy for loneliness? What's the cure for going insane?
Don't say cymbalta.

Paper Route

Where have I landed I don't quite remember
I fell to pieces one night in December
Pictures in boxes remind me of something
I miss the days when our fingers were touching

All my decisions were just second guesses
Looking for love like a bride looks for dresses
Every mistake turned to some sort of yearning
A heart that was hollow has filled up with meaning

The memories of losing you, you're like a ghost
Tracing where I said to you

I wish you were listening,
I wish you were listening,
I wish you were listening,
To get through it.

- Wish

--
Probably my favorite Paper Route song, also the only one I can't find online. I love the lyrics though

At the moment I'm sitting on my bed looking for stars to wish on. I don't mean to quote Hayley Williams, but I could really use a wish right now. I guess you could say today was a bad day. And I guess you could say tonight was a bad night. There's been a lot of yelling, a lot of letdowns, a lot of circles that my mind's been wandering through. I don't know which way's up right now. I just know that tomorrow I'm not staying here. Ben asked me once if I had a happy place. I thought it was a funny question, but when I thought about it, I think a place that made me the happiest in life was the boardwalk in Atlantic City. So somewhere tonight I'm hoping I'll find myself back there in my mind - smelling the ocean, watching the stars, the lights of a carnival adding that sense of magic to the air. I don't want to dream about what I did last night. I wrote that down today. But I'm crossing it out now and tearing it up. I know I'll regret it; I know I'll want to have kept it, but it made me think and I don't want to think right now.

I'm going to bed. I'd say goodnight, but nothing about right now is good.

Alexx and The Suggestive Vegetation

I think I'm high, REC.
I don't know what on, but something. woot.

Um,
so, at the moment I'm sick to death of my story. So I'm not writing it (ever again) until I feel like it. P: I intentionally made that smiley backwards. I want to read Twilight. I mean it. I want to put on "Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg and read all the Twilight books. But then I'd get laughed at. I think the reason I feel that way is I've been listening to Eleventyseven all day (but more on that here) and omg I just was like, listening to them and dancing around the kitchen and totally knocked a cereal box over. Oops. I hate that stuff anyway. Well, most of the time. Sometimes it's yummy. Speaking of my dancing, that's the one thing I think I fail at most in the world. Like, I can't dance at all. I can do the "mosh pit" thing, and then I can sorrrrrta imitate Single Ladies, but that's about it. Okay, though, I did a dance to 'Retro, Dance, Freak' once, and I was really good at this one part.

You make a victory/peace symbol with both hands, and then you put your right hand palm outward so your middle finger aligns with your eyebrow. You say "retro". Then you put your left hand palm outward so your middle finger touches tip to tip with the index finger of your right hand. You say "dance". And then you keep your hands still but tilt your head so your eyebrows are parallel to the line your connected fingers make and say "freak". I could do that part okay. :D

I want anyone who does that, tell me, I want to know if anybody tries it. xD
I'm so out of it right now, I apologize, you probably think I'm going insane. Who knows, I might be. In relevant news (what do I ever talk about that's relevant?) Ben put up a new picture and it's probably the cutest/sexiest thing ever, but I couldn't bring myself to comment that so I commented on the grass instead. Fail. AND IN EVEN MORE RELEVANT NEWS, I have a little story.

So this morning, I was out in our garden. We have a little 3x3 plot thing that sits on our balcony, and we never grow things in it cause they always die, but we try anyway. So, anyway. I just said anyway twice in a row. Anyway. Last night there was no sign of life in the little plot, but this morning I checked and there was like...this thing. It was a mushroom, it grew overnight - literally. And I was describing it to Kat on the phone and I was like "It's about...5 inches long, kinda skinny. It's really tan but near the tip it starts getting red and it's kinda stiff and standing straight up" And she was like 'Are you sure this is a mushroom we're talking about?' and it took me, like, a full 3 minutes before I was like "Ew, Kat, shut up, it's a plant." And then she was like 'You have some very suggestive vegetation growing it sounds like'. I kinda laughed. A little. Then like...she was like 'take a picture I want to see it.' and I went to take a picture with my phone and the mushroom was literally shriveled up dead. And I was like "holy crap, what a life span." I felt like sharing this story with you. Because I just did.

Until whatever I'm on crashes, it's best I stop talking to you.

CHEERIO!

^ that was not being racially insensitive towards my wonderful British friends, I seriously knocked over the Cheerios box, I swear.
<3

Today Today..Today...

Today is a rather nice day relatively speaking.

At this present moment I have a pot of peppermint tea (it's more like a thermal pitcher I suppose) sitting next to me and a new notebook to write my book in and Pride & Prejudice (the new one) on DVD (I don't care for the old one. ick.) On the movie "The Jane Austen Book Club" which I must admit I felt a suspicious connection to though didn't particularly care for, they say 'I hate Pride & Prejudice. It's like a parade of weddings.' I disagree. I think it's a wonderful book and the movie adaptation with Kiera Knightly is so perfectly cast in every sense. There's just something about the first meeting at the Meryton Ball that always elicits that bit of a smile.

I just dropped my pencil into the depths of the couch. Sigh.

I'm writing in pencil now. I'm past the first bits, which means now I'm writing the middle of the story. There's much to write, little stories to go between the introduction and the conclusion. And I'm writing them to be perfect, though goodness knows every book requires at least 3 drafts before ready to enter into a contest. I'm at a standstill however. I want to write from the beginning of the story now, to continue the introduction in the logical pattern, but at the same time one of the little stories requires much emotion. Emotion I can write at the moment. Emotion has been all too prevalent as of late, but I daresay is finally relenting a bit. However, I'm attempting to capture it before it's gone completely. So I'm unsure which to write at the moment.

I'm using large words, aren't I? I do that when I'm writing. Or when I'm watching or reading Jane Austen.
I'll make this a bit less poetic and old fashioned.
This kid is cute. Like, really really cute. Watch him. <3

Sorry To Anyone I Freaked Out Last Night

I'm not sure what to say in this post.

Things are fixed.
I can never stay mad at him. Not that I was mad at him to begin with. But we fixed everything. I'm glad we did.

I'm smiling again today. I got to see some stars last night. I love stars.
Sometimes it takes things going wrong for things to go right.

Things are going right again.

<3

I Hate My Life

I've never hated it more than I do right here, right now.

I can't believe I lied to him this long. I guess I thought he'd forget, somehow I'd never have to tell him the truth. But that's wrong. Because if you love someone, you want them to know the truth. So I decided I should tell him. And now he's upset and disappointed, the two things I never wanted him to be. And not with me..

I can say I'm sorry, but those are just words. They seem so flimsy. So fake. I could say I love you. I won't lie to you again. But that would only push him further. So I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom, crying, writing to you in hopes somehow putting it on paper will make it go away. It won't go away.

I know Ben should hate me right now, but that doesn't change the sudden emptiness I felt when he said not to expect to hear from him. Just when things were going right, I had to fuck them up like I always do. And now I'm sitting here wishing it were July 1st all over again. I was happy that day. Because he made me happy. Because he said he liked me. And asked me if I'd be his. Sure he was just joking, but it made me happy. I liked it when he said 'my Alex' after that.

But now he won't say anything at all. And in the empty silence, it's easy to remember everything I want to forget.

I've never hated my life more than I do right here, right now.

Karl

I slept on it. And in the light of a new morning where the world does not look like a dismal black hole of...dismalness, I've come to the conclusion that now you are playing with my emotions, and that's something I definitely do not need. I never did anything but tell you the truth (I lied. Yeah. Once. Then I told you the truth about it.) and I'm sick of trying to convince, and frankly, I'm sick of you. So I deleted you from MSN, but I didn't block you. Because some part of me never gives up on friends. So should you ever need advice or just someone who will listen, you know my address. Until then, I'm not in the mood to have my emotions messed with. Goodbye.

Currently listening to: Blue Suitcase by Erin McCarley.
Oh how fitting. (:

The Civil Wars

That one day you took my hand
You should know you took my heart too
I have to say loving you's been my favorite mistake
But I've found things fall apart faster when I'm awake

So I took my dreams and kissed your name
And folded them and took my aim
And sent them to the stars like a paper airplane
Now go to sleep and close your eyes
Come soar with me through moonlit skies
Just you and me
And all our paper dreams

I gave you my heart but you threw it away
Crinkled and torn, I smoothed it and glued it
And I've been wearing it on my sleeve since then
But it's time to make a wish with it, fold it, and dream again

So I took my dreams, crossed out your name
And tore them up, threw them away
No more shooting stars, no more paper airplanes
Just broken hearts and tears to cry
Just wishing I could say goodbye
They're falling apart at the seams
All my paper dreams

Our memories fade like stars during day
But every night they still sparkle the same
Those stars can look so far away
But there's a reason they make tape

So I took my dreams, rewrote your name
And taped them all back again
And smiled and folded them into a paper airplane
The moonlit night is filled with songs
And stars are still for wishing on
For you and me

I took my dreams and kissed your name
And folded them and took my aim
And sent them to the stars like a paper airplane
Now go to sleep and close your eyes
Come soar with me through moonlit skies
Just you and me
And all our paper dreams

- Paper Dreams

Two Sides Of A Coin

Today began magically. We dropped Walter somewhere I don't know, I was asleep when it happened. But on a whim, I decided to call my friend Leah, I hadn't seen her in...three or four years? She lived at the town we were spending today in, so we thought it would be fun to hang out. Well she and her mom were cleaning, like, seriously cleaning with a dumpster and all, so we asked if we could help. It was actually fun, we got to go through all this cool old stuff in her basement. And it was just fun to see her again. I've missed her alot. I've been playing Wii Fit for 3 hours every day and I'm rather glad, because I actually was able to carry all the heavy stuff for once. haha And today was sunny. Not the usual "oh the sun's shining." sunny, but the kind where it's warm and you just want to close your eyes and soak it in and can't help but smile. Today was magical.

And then we had to say goodbye.

The trip home, nothing was magical. I'm not sure why but I started feeling worse an worse, and by the time we were close to home, the smallest things were upsetting me. Like, Ben didn't say goodnight, and I got all upset. And then Mom told me I shouldn't listen to so much pop music, and I got all upset. And when we got detoured through some tiny town in Illinois, I got all upset. I'm currently a train wreck waiting to happen. Or at least I was. I then decided to log on facebook. Silly me. I now am a train wreck that already did happen. A mess of sniffles and shouting and I literally threw Dmitri at the cat. And then I felt really bad and picked up Dmitri and hugged him and apologized. The cat won't come near me though. I don't know what's wrong with me today. But I still feel like shouting and swearing and crying. And I don't even think I can sleep.

What's wrong with me?

Readers, Please Read This

So, (does anybody else notice that when I'm aware I'm addressing more than one person online, I always start it off with "so"?) last night I was talking to Ben and I don't remember how we got there (oh yes I do, we were talking about how I sign my letters :P) and we came to the conclusion that my blog is far to vague nowadays. Look at yesterday's post. Now raise your hand if you knew what happened (Emmy and Anna, you're not allowed to because I told you haha). See what I mean? Now look at the first few posts here. It was my escape from my vague blog which I later deleted. So, I'm returning this to it's literal state.

Now, you.
In returning this to it's literal (explicit ;D) state, I will most likely end up writing about one, some, most, or all of you at some point or another. Please don't take it personally if it's not quite...rainbows and flowers. I want every one of you to know I love you, I don't want any burned bridges from things I say, more often if it's bad it's just a rant, and talk to me about it and we'll fix it. If you don't like something I said about you, or don't understand it, talk to me about it and that's that.

Now that we got that all out, I'll start off with a bit of a post of what we did last night.


There was a terrible storm here. I love storms, for the record, but only the lightning and the rain. Walter fell asleep on the couch because he's playing the gentleman like "oh well I already packed, and I don't want to inconvenience you tonight. You should sleep on your bed again, Mrs. Roux." Damn right she should. Anyway, so I got to sleep on my bed again (random fact I don't think I've shared - my bed isn't really a bed, it's a window seat with storage beneath it, but the window keeps it cool to sleep next to during the summer) which was kind of nice because I could watch the storm. Well then the power went out. I wasn't using anything plugged in, so I didn't notice except they called Mom's cell because apparently during disasters (storms do count for that) they run low on nurses, so she had to work after working a full day already. So I was left alone in the room with the storm and no lights. Which was exciting. Except I felt kind of sick. Which was not exciting. But that's a different story. Anyway, one thing that was fun that happened last night was once the power got cut off, I was still texting Ben and he decided to try to call me, but that never works and I don't really know why, but it just doesn't connect to my phone. But he was able to leave me a voicemail so that was fun. :P And a really random thing to put here. xD I didn't know where to put it, but I wanted to put it somewhere.

On the topic of random things, I'm up way too early for a Saturday. But, like, last night I kept falling asleep texting (never a good thing, as I realized a month ago that I can and do text in my sleep) so I wasn't exactly sleeping "like a log" when mom got home about an hour ago. So she's trying to get at least an hour of sleep, but I already got 5 1/2 hours of sleep so although I'm yawning I'm going to stay up for the day. Today we drive Walter back where we found him and ditch him at this one diner place. We are not waiting for Dad to show up to be sure he makes it home alright, he's an adult (I'm sure he has his AARP card to prove it) so he can make it home perfectly fine on his own. I was proud of mom, she's not even driving halfway. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him, he fully paid for the rest of our house. Which is why he was even out here. I think. But anyway, that still means a road trip, and I'm not good at road trips as of late. ): Someone kidnap me so I don't have to go.

Currently listening to : "Collect Call" by Metric

Our False Reality

We see what we want to see. In everything. And when good things happen, we smile, we laugh, we make a memory of them. But deep down inside, we're begging for things to not collapse as is the inevitable outcome. And when it does collapse, we tell ourselves "it's not as bad as it seems" because we honestly want to believe it's not as bad as it seems. We want to believe the lie we created that things are alright and will always be alright. Without realizing that things are a shabby patch-up of what we hope to be a happy ending. But eventually we get tired of pretending and we see through our false reality to see that nothing is alright. And there are no happy endings. Only good moments that are followed by an empty ache that can only be filled with more pretty lies.

So Yesterday

I didn't tell you what was wrong. If you were one of the lucky ones to read it while it was up, lucky you. For everybody else, suffice to say, Karl is an idiot, we're no longer friends. He's still reading this blog or said he would, but idc it's my blog so I'm saying what I want. No more pretending to be nice.

In other news, I've talked to Ben for...7? hours straight today. Goes without saying that I'm in a bubbly happy sort of mood, despite my continued fever of 103. ): Enough complaining. Walter leaves tomorrow, I'm having the time of my life right now, and I got a strawberry milkshake for supper. I'm content today. (:

):

Logic. Today makes none.

Dear ______ (possibly you?)

Dear Benjamin,
Today was a terrible day, for reasons I've only been able to tell you. I wanted to say thank you for listening to me about it. For telling me I'm not worthless, for the text hug, and just talking me through it. Next time you're having troubles, I'll be here for you like you are for me. (: I also wanted to say I missed you. It's strange to say, because we still were in touch, but I missed your waking me up so late at night and I missed your texts when you're on break at work. I'm glad you're home. Because I just all-around miss you when you're gone.

Dear Anna,
Thank you. For everything. You mean so much to me, so much more than you'll ever know. And you will get through because hard times never last forever. Promise. (:

Dear Bethany,
You are awesome. And you'll make it. Don't live for everyone else if it's going to destroy you. Find the balance [this sounds so Star Wars haha]. You'll get through it. Love you. Smile. (:

Dear Sophie,
I love your optimism. :D Don't lose it. When you feel pessimistic, remember that the glass is always have full of fregetable juice. Which I hear can make one awfully hyper. (;

Dear Chris,
I'm so sorry I won't be out to see you again. I'll miss you and Taylor so much, I can't even really say it. I wanted so badly to be at your party next week, to say goodbye, and hug you. I won't forget those long nights we'd spend, just the two of us, talking about everything and anything. I won't forget your hugs and the way you scramble eggs so very awesomely. I'm proud of you. For following your dreams and becoming something even better than you are. I knew you could do it. (: Best of luck in New York. If you're ever in Chicago, come visit me. And of course, I'll try my best to visit the two of you. Give Taylor an awkward kiss for me. :P

Dear Kat,
DUMBLEDORE <3

Dear Karl,
Please tell me what I do. Because you always seem upset. I'm trying my very best, I'm out of ideas. I read our history the other day and it literally made me cry how far apart we are. What happened to us? We never speak...it feels like you dislike me, whatever I did, I'm sorry, I'll try to be better. I just want to be like we were when we first met. Please? ):

Dear Elise,
Tell anyone who says your hair looks weird that they're insane and jealous. (; You look wonderful.


Peace, Love, and all That
Jazz

I Need A Hug ):

Sorry I haven't written since we left for Nebraska.
I've not been in a writing sort of mood. Mostly because I feel miserable. See, I'm having trouble. I never get headaches, but lately I've had headaches so bad I can't even think. Light makes it worse, and I just feel awful. And then they pass a little. Well, Mom thought nothing of it, just told me it was my new glasses. But then I've started having terrible pain when I try to move my mouth at all. This morning when mom checked for a fever and found that I'm having a pretty bad fever on one side of my face. Which she concluded as being a dormant infection from my recently removed stitches. She hadn't put them in, it had been the medical guy at the waterpark had (a fact which bothered her immensely). Well apparently there was an infection that remained dormant until now which is why today I have a fever and chills and feel miserable. So, mom's giving me antibiotics starting tomorrow which sucks because my medicines counteract, so I can't take them so I'll be all nervous and a relative wreck for the next week until they run out.

I can't stop shaking, but I'm burning up at the same time. ): I feel miserable tonight.

What a night

So tonight was filled with really weird..ness and with packing.
Tomorrow mom and I are going driving to Nebraska in one shot. Call me reluctant. Because I am. I don't want to go. For one, I don't want to listen to country music for hours straight. And I don't want to even be in a car for that long. And I don't want to go see that same guy. Not again. He's coming to discuss finances at our house. For like, more than just 2 days. I think that's the part I like least. Anyway this is complaining.

There's a lot to be happy for. I get to see a bunch of new sights on the highway tomorrow, and maybe listen to something fun after we run out of Rascal Flatts. We can stop at a really cool little dive restaurant to eat, and maybe spell letters on the highway signs. And maybe he won't remember me. Maybe he'll not pay attention. And hey, I will get a chance to practice my "silent 'I-hate-you' stares" if nothing else. :D

Anyway I will be gone until Monday. Miss you!
Goodnight.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

You don’t even know how hard I try. I change everything I can to be what you want. And for a few days I thought maybe I’d done it. Become what you were looking for. Things seemed better, you seemed happier. It was what I've always wanted. And then I guess I messed up. Because all of a sudden, I’m not good enough anymore. Everything I do you criticize or mock or disapprove of. Every once in a while, when there's nobody looking, you seem happy again. Like maybe I'm not such a disappointment. But then, it's like you remember all the things I've done wrong again. I tried to tell you, I tried so hard to. But I still don't think you understand. Not even a full day later, and we're back where we started. Me trying my hardest, and you far away and cold again. At this point I’m still trying. But there’s only so much I can change. Only so much bending I can do before I break. Tell me what to do, if you want me out of your life, it’s okay, I’ll do that. If you want me to back off, I will, promise. Just tell me what to do to be good enough again. Tell me what to do that you would approve of. That you wouldn’t push away. I’m so sick of being pushed away; one of these times I’ll take the hint and simply leave.

Augustana

Wait dear, a white horse is walking down my street here,
Your words are creeping at my feet
I fear, sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear
Into the haze of this city and go south...

Look out, they're coming after us with big guns,
They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done
Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,
Now I'm left here dying inside

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you...

Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
I'd just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away

- Stars and Boulevards

My favorite song ever. Ever.

:D

I just want to say thank you. You know who you are.
Thank you for being there, and thank you for listening. And thank you for pushing when I said I was fine. Not many people do that. I'm glad I could finally say everything to you. It's difficult for me to say so many things to so many people, but once they're said it's always much better. And I was glad I could say it all to you. You're a wonderful friend, and I hope you know just how much it means to me that you care. (:

P.S. I'm sorry this post is so mushy. :P I've been up a long time already. haha

Another Day

Another lie.
Another broken promise.

Another chance to listen to Flyleaf and be emo.
I'm even optimistic about being depressed.
Scary.

edit: listen

What Would The Sun Look Like Without The Clouds?

I realize I haven't actually posted something meaningful in 5 days.
I apologize.
To be honest, I just really don't want to write to you. Don't take it personally, you've done nothing wrong. I just have nothing I want to say for you or the internet to hear. There really is nothing to say. I'm not even certain I know what's going on anymore. The more I think about everything, the less it all makes sense, given it made much to begin with, and writing it just worsens the situation.

I suppose I could update on some things that have been happening lately.

We arrived home from Florida. The trip was nothing special. Nothing terribly intriguing. Simply a very long drive. The night we got home, we were so happy to see our little apartment building. We were not so pleased to see the eviction notice in the mailbox. It's not called that. I keep forgetting what it is called. The bank is taking back our apartment if we don't pay $50,000 on it by the end of the month. Goodness knows even my dad can't afford that much money, though he is trying to help us. I gave all my money, which totaled near $3, to the effort as did mom. At least we're not going down without a fight. It was a terrible night however. I hadn't slept in days, and my parents were both (quite loudly as is the natural tendency when stressed) calling people they know asking for advice, help, whatever they could get at 10:30 at night. They sent me to the kitchen to make supper, which was to be cheese soup as that's the only food we had. I just sat there, frustrated, sad, and dismal - trying very hard not to curse or cry or collapse from exhaustion.

It was a long night.

Since then things have been alright. We've still come up with only $6,000, but we're making the best of what time we have in the house still. Mom's been working herself doing double shifts and watching a drug-testing center now. Those places where they test new medications for side effects. They pay the patients thousands for only a few days of work, but unfortunately not the nurses. But every bit helps. I'm cat-sitting for the neighbor now for the same reasons. Two cats. And I'm not fond of cats in the first place, although her cats are more stupid than mine. I mean that in the literal sense; my cat is sneaky and devious, these ones are content to stretch out on a little pad shaped like a mouse and sleep all day as long as they have food and water. I don't think there's much to be said as far as thought processes are concerned. Which is a good thing, because as a result they are very sweet.

There have been a few bad moments since we got home, however. There have been things going on I'd rather not say. Fears, addictions, and changes. I'm not fond of the direction things are going. I'd rather not clarify on this point, though. Not here. I can't tell if it was as a result or not, but Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. I thought I knew what happened, but I think it was the weather and the reason I expected and everything else tied into a knot. Either way, it was the worst I've been for a while. It took everything I had to get the dangerous objects locked in the cabinet, but I did and that helped considerably. I think what helped the most though, was my friends. I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gotten sense talked into me by Emmy and Ben and had Bethany and Shannon to cheer me up and Anna to sing me Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato over text. My friends are the best, I don't know what I'd do without them. <3

Things are a little better now, I think anyway. And I'm fairly sure they'll continue to get better. Yesterday was already much better than the day before and today I can only hope will continue the trend.

To end this update on a positive note, I won a competition. My first-ever time to win a writing competition. The theme was "emotion" so I figured I had a shot. haha I wrote a short piece about two strangers who meet on the street in a small town somewhere. It was actually interesting, because they both had lost someone, and it's really confusing to explain, but someday I'll post it here; it wasn't a romance piece, it was more just...how the same loss can connect people on such a deep level.
But
That's not what I ended up submitting. I had that all spell-checked and polished. It was perfect and ready to send, when I wrote something else. I named the other piece Broken. It was something I'd never tried - a completely plotless, vague essay written in present tense. It was probably the most honest thing I've ever written. I didn't even spell-check, I simply submitted it. And won the contest. Even the other authors were enamored with it, which surprised me since their entries were beautiful and so filled with feeling.
At any rate, if you'd like to read it, it's on my Facebook under my notes. "Broken" is the title.

And now I shall leave you with the promise that I will update you soon.
If nothing else, to let you know how the neighbor's cats are doing.

P.S. I have had the worst time today spelling "neighbor". My mind thinks that looks wrong today and I keep blanking out on what would look right. :P

Mae [I]

Sometimes I run, but I'm not afraid.
Why must you bring up all the mistakes I've made?
She makes me smile, then you come around.
The wind in her hair reflects the sunset I see.

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?

Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right-like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right
Pull over to the station and fill up on fuel.
And what will I do?

Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way
then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.

- Skyline Drive

Happy Independence Day

234 years ago, several brave men signed a document that could have meant the end of their lives, but they did so for freedom, for hope, and for the chance of a better life in this country. It was a beautiful act of rebellion against oppression and against the suffocation of freedom. The world won't ever forget them, or what they did. Because of them, today we here in the United States enjoy opportunities to be what we want in life and around the world the influence of our country is still strong.
All thanks to bravery and a dedication to the ideals of freedom.
Happy Independence Day.


On a note of how today went, I got to spend it with Kat and her family. Madison is adorable, and I was in love with her the moment I got to hold her. James is even more infatuated with her and does everything with her. It's wonderful to see them all so happy. We grilled hamburgers today, and then watched a parade downtown. And then we watched Macy's fireworks show in downtown Manhattan on TV. They were wonderful, best music hands down, best actual fireworks as well. And then we went to the actual fireworks in a baseball diamond near here. It was magical. Even moreso than the fireworks at Disney almost, only because it's so much better when there's a reason for celebration. I love fireworks no matter the reason though. <3 It made me wonder what the first Independence Day fireworks were like in 1777. I wonder how excited the war-torn little towns were that they were nearly free. It would have been wonderful to be there I think. Now I'm going all history-geek on you. So I'll let you go with a goodnight and a reminder to always remember-

Freedom is never free, but it's the one thing worth dying for.

Happy 4th of July

Rantrantrantrantrant

I'm going to begin this blog post with a rhetorical question.
Am I stupid?
Why do people lie to me and break their promises? I mean, if you want to be general, people break their promises because they can't keep them most of the time. Which is forgivable. But sometimes, people make me promises just to make me temporarily happy. Newsflash, I'm not an idiot, I'll realize sooner than later that you really didn't mean it. Think I'll still be happy?
And lying to me. Why does everybody think that's okay? Oh, yeah, because I tend to trust the people I care about to tell me the truth. Apparently I need to stop doing that because for the whatever-eth time in a row, they keep lying to me.

Am I stupid? Is that why they do this?
Ugh. This is ranting, but idgaf right now, I want to rant.

You Can Tell It's A Bad Day If..

I start it off listening to Secret & Whisper.
The first thing I did after I got out of bed was pull out my Zune and put on "Southern Arrow-Wood". I don't really care that the song is rather weird and about American Indian spiritualism, something about that song calms me. All their songs do. And at the moment, that's exactly what I want.

I'm aware I'm not alright, but for five minutes I felt alive - I felt like maybe I wasn't so far from being normal after all. And then I woke up from this vicious dream that's captured me. I woke up to reality. Nothing will ever be alright.

Today will be a long day. I'll spend every moment pretending I'm happy, and tonight when we're all in the car and the silence settles in, I won't sleep. I'll lie there, wishing I could close my eyes but afraid of what I'll see when I do. Instead I'll listen to some sort of music with superficial lyrics and a fast beat as loud as I can to drown out my thoughts. If I can't think, I can't feel, and if I can't feel..I can't feel sad.

New Introductions And Most Likely The Last Mini-Update

I'd like to start this off to introduce a new friend. Her name is Rachel, and I met her on Facebook. I actually added her off the suggested friend thing because her profile picture was Doctor Who themed, and here's a random little-known fact, Mom and I used to watch that show faithfully on loan from the library when we lived in Washington. Fun times. Anyway, Rachel is nice, she's wonderful at advice and listening. Which is awesome. (: She shares the same viewpoints on my lifestyle as Kyle however, which I have to admit, makes me uncomfortable. But with that exception, I think we might end up pretty good friends. I'm not sure how much I'll talk to her or about her, but may as well introduce her just in case! (:

So now for the mini-update. We're leaving DisneyWorld tomorrow night. Sad. I love it here, we've had tons of fun. Yesterday we were at Hollywood Studios and I went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror. That was exciting. What it is is an elevator, that takes you to the top of this old hotel and drops you in random patterns. It actually felt more like being suspended in air than actually falling, and I really liked it and even dragged my parents on it. They weren't quite so fond of it sadly. Then we saw Fantasmic last night and it was absolutely wonderful. I met most all of the Pixar characters yesterday as well, and it was lots of fun. I liked that park. Today we're going back to Epcot, then tomorrow the Magic Kingdom, and then we're driving all night to get to Kat's house. We're going to spend the 4th with her and James and I'll finally get to meet Madison! I'm excited!

As far as everything else, I've been doing wonderfully lately. Everything finally seems like it's going right. I haven't even been having the usual nightmares; they've all been replaced by good dreams. I'm just happy again and maybe it's the sunny weather or maybe it's a certain something else even more wonderful, but either way I'll be the first to agree that this is the Happiest Place on Earth.

(:

Dear Random Emotional Crap

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

<3,
Alexx

Masquerade

I read this on Brandon Is Write, another blog I follow. I think it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. I did not write it, he did. But I wanted to share it here.


"Masquerade"

You stare at the party before you. Glamorous. It’s exactly like a scene out of any fairytale. Chandeliers dangle from the high ceiling, weighed down by diamonds and crystals. Although they hang still, it still seems as if they are threatening to fall down.

The floor reflects the light from the chandeliers. The walls bounce the voices back and forth. Each heel that strikes the floor is accompanied by a clack. You hear the countless conversations swirling around you, but you don’t understand any of them. All the voices and words blend together in one giant murmur.

Long, gorgeous gowns trail the glossy floor. Every girl on the dance floor wears a mask corresponding with her dress. Every boy wears the same penguin suit costume, each with a mask concealing his identity. The room is full of mystery and unanswered questions as everyone peers curiously at one another, wondering who exactly they’re dealing with.

A penguin suit walks up to you. Although the mask covers his mouth, you see the twinkle in his eyes and hear the smile in his voice. “You seem familiar,” he says slowly.

You return the smile. “Is this how you try to pick up girls?” you remark playfully.

He doesn’t reply at first. You see his eyes studying you, sure that he’s still smiling.

Under his gaze, you try not to squirm. Instead, you lift your chin, straighten your back, and lock your own eyes to him.

“Would you like to dance?” he asks you, holding out his hand for you.

You briefly glance down at his welcoming hand before taking it. “It would be my pleasure,” you reply, excited. The moment his hand wraps around your own, your palm grows sweaty and your heart beats faster.

And so the two of you dance. It’s graceful; rhythmic. You aren’t touching him, but you still feel his warmth emanating off his body that it almost seems as if your body is pressed against his. He breathes. You match your own to his. The butterflies within your stomach rampage in circles.

You can’t keep your cool for much longer. A grin permanently paints itself on your face along with a rosy red color gently brushed onto your cheeks. Unfortunately, the mask covers your transparent feelings.

The song ends. The two of you step away from one another. His warmth you felt, however, remains lingering on you.

“I’ll be right back,” you squeal, your voice an octave higher than it was prior to the dance.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” he replies, fairly amused. He’s taken a liking to you.

You turn and hurry away, trying to regain your composure. It’s difficult, considering you can’t seem to concentrate on anything other than Mr. Penguin Suit.

Accidentally, you bump into someone while your mind is preoccupied.

“Sorry,” you say, looking up at the person you just ran into. Your eyes widen and your jaw drops as you see a replicate of yourself. Or, so it seems like a replicate.

She has the same dress as you. Maybe not exactly the same, but an extremely similar one. Her mask is very similar as well. She has the same hair color as you; the same shade of skin, the same height. You feel like you’re looking in a mirror. The two of you look chillingly alike.

The only aspect different between the two of you were the eyes. As she holds your stunned gaze, you notice her eyes are deeper and darker compared to your own glowing set of carefree eyes. Her eyes don’t show surprise. Instead, they’re knowing and understanding. Very different from yours.

"You’re--" you start, trying to place a name with her hidden face. Before you can finish, a large crash interrupts you. The moment of truth.

Heads turn toward the fallen chandelier in the middle of the dance floor. Shattered glass is scattered everywhere. The guests stare at the chandelier in horror before panicking. They begin to run for the doors.

You bring your attention back to the look-alike girl. She lifts her mask and reveals a smile.

"--Love," you finish.

"And you’re Infatuation," she responds.

Glancing across the dance floor, you see Mr. Penguin Suit staring back at you, clearly puzzled. He doesn’t know which girl he danced with earlier in the night.

"He’s not searching for you," she says before slipping the mask back on. Her voice is soft, gentle. You can’t make a noise as she walks away toward a confused Mr. Penguin Suit. He gives you one last fleeting glance before giving Love his undivided attention.

You look the other way and notice another boy in a mask and a penguin suit costume staring at you curiously. Slightly raising your mask, you grant him a smile as you drift toward him.

The other boy isn’t your problem anymore. A new set of butterflies, giggles, and heartbeats are awaiting for you. Of course, he’ll mistake you for Love like they all do, but you’re alright with that now. You’re used to the quick, thrilling moments you’ll shortly share with him. It’s who you are.

Today Was A Fairytale

So, Bethany mentioned I haven't posted in a few days. Which reminded me that I actually haven't. I'm out of philosophical things to think about, because this is vacation, I'm not supposed to be philosophically thinking. :P And I'd ramble about Owl City or James Marsden or something, but I'm already going to post a rambling post about Kill Paradise when I get home, so I'll wait on that. Instead I'll post another mini-trip update about yesterday.

So, yesterday, my parents and I went to a waterpark. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive from the hotel to the park, so we took a bus. It was really nice on the way up, everybody was bubbling with excitement, it was fine. When we did get there we locked up all our belongings and put on tons of sunscreen (which was useless in the end. Or possibly I'd just be more burned if I hadn't used it?) and headed for the closest attraction.

I have the best parents. I really do. They explained to me, "swimming is easy. You just try to stay afloat by displacing water to keep you above the bottom." And then they took me to the four-foot mark in "the big pool". Oh yes. They forgot to mention there's waves in "the big pool".

Some are born swimmers, some learn to swim at a young age, and the others - we have it forced upon us by giant waves and the need to survive.

As I was counting off in my head all the things I would have done with my life were it not to end any coming second as I couldn't find the surface, I had to get dragged out by a lifeguard. Who spoke Portugese. (I guess it was his summer job?) It's a wonder I felt like trying again. I eventually did get the hang of the whole "swimming" thing, though that's probably due to the fact none of the attractions had water deeper than 4 ft. [Kat wasn't very nice when I was telling her about it. She was like "AND YOU COULD STILL TOUCH THE BOTTOM??" Salt and open wounds and all that. Thanks. :P]

Throughout the day I only required the assistance of two other lifeguards. One as I again couldn't get to the surface, and the other was during a bit of an accident. See, there was this slide, and at the bottom, I slid too far and ended up somehow on my face on pavement with a gash along my jawline. Hence lifeguard #3.

It was a fun day however, and I liked it. I also saw lots and lots of redheads, which I found interesting. Because it's not all that common. I felt like I fit in. :P

Anyway, the trip home. It was so long. So very long. I was exhausted (it was 11 at least) and the bus was loud. Still bubbling with energy. I was wanting to sleep. I texted Ben for a bit, but my phone died. So the rest of the trip home I was left to just imagine..

And then I didn't sleep til near 2, or possibly later because once we were back to the room, I could charge my phone. And we had been in the middle of a conversation. :P

So this morning I slept in. And although it kind of hurts to move a lot of things at the moment, I'm happy. Because yesterday was magical. ♥

Trip Update

As you discovered in the last post, we were at Epcot yesterday. So I thought I'd tell you about that. :D So we went to the park (the one with the giant golf ball for anyone who's not been there) and it was...96 or so. And extremely humid. Anyway. My parents wanted to go sit down in the shade (at Disney World? Really?) so I got in line for Spaceship: Earth (the golfball) on my own. It was at least a 90 minute line. And the couple in front of me was disturbing. They were eighteen by my estimation and I literally was expecting clothes to start coming off any minute. I tried to just ignore them, except they'd be so caught up in what they were doing that they'd forget to move ahead when the line moved. Holding my tongue to keep from telling them to get a room, I instead would politely remind them to move ahead. And they would glare at me as if I were interrupting. So after 90 minutes of that, I got to ride the 30 second ride, and then wondered why I waited that long. I guess that's just a theme park for you.

With that exception, yesterday was amazing. I went on my first-ever roller coaster! Now, I'm not counting kiddie roller coasters, I did those last time with my cousins. I mean the ones where they tell you "you have to be 48 inches to ride". Thank goodness I'm 65. It was, however, the slowest roller coaster in the parks (Test Track) but I was proud of myself for doing it and surprisingly liked it. After that, I went on Soarin'. It is the.best. ride ever. I'll explain it a little. See, you board these hang glider things that hold eight people, and buckle yourself in. There are six hang gliders, two per row, three rows. When everybody's ready, it actually lifts you up into tiers two stories in the air, facing a giant IMAX-esque screen. It's a four-minute video of different parts of California, and it's complete with scents and breezes and drops and everything. I literally could only ride that one ride all day. It was amazing.

After that I conquered my fear and went on Mission: Space. Mission: Space is a gravity wheel with a virtual panel that simulates a trip to Mars in a shuttle. I was a little freaked out to try it, I don't do too well with spinning things, but I did it anyway. Apparently they even inject cool air halfway through the ride to try to settle people's stomachs. Anyway, that was quite fun, and I, unlike lots of the other people, survived without running to a trash receptacle afterwords. Fear conquered.

After all the exciting things, we went to the World Showcase. There are eleven countries - Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, America, Japan, Morocco, France, The U.K. (mostly England), and Canada. It's so hard to pick a favorite, though Canada was NOT my favorite (they had a nondescript cliche totem pole and not much else) neither was Italy which only showed Venice and nothing of Rome or Pisa. America also was rather boring, with only one plain white building that didn't look like much and nothing else. Mexico was awesome inside, as was China outside and in, Japan was beautiful, and Morocco was probably the most extensive and intricate stop. France was amazing as well, though it was crowded so we didn't get to spend much time there. They have a bookstore, and when we come back I'm going to take look around in there. We went on the Maelstrom ride at Norway and the little one inside Mexico. I was disappointed in the Mexico one however because it was more like an advertisement for The Three Caballeros than a ride about Mexico. I asked one of the worker ladies (they hire only workers from the actual countries which is cool) and she told me with a flat affect that it was like the Spanish version of the Small World ride until a few months back when they changed it. I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Un Mundito, Despues del Todo. I'm aware that was the worst translation ever. I forgot most of my Spanish class. haha

Anyway, yesterday I had another first. We stopped for lunch at a sushi restaurant in Japan, and it was not what I expected at all. It was a lot better, actually, and definitely something I'll try again. I liked the salmon one best. We got fish and chips for dinner at the U.K. stop, and next time we come back to Epcot (I think in 3 days?) we're going to Morocco for lunch and France for dinner at a pastry shop. Should be fun!

So that's my trip update. We're leaving now for the Magic Kingdom. We get to stay in the park until 2 AM because we're staying in a resort hotel. This should be interesting seeing as I was up until 2 AM last night texting Ben. I'll sleep on the monorail. :P

Perspective

I purposely lost my parents today at Epcot. I lost them and I watched to see what they'd do. My mom got frantic, like I expected. But like I didn't expect, my dad tried to comfort her. It was different, almost like a different side of him. He talked to her calmly and held her hand. And for a moment I could see them both, young, only in high school, and in love. I could see them the way they must have been at one point before things broke, before me. And for that moment, I knew she'd be okay after me. That maybe all along that one piece of hope was right. That after I'm gone, she'll be taken care of the same way she was before it all. It made me smile. Of course, I soon found them, and brought ice cream as an apology gift. But it made me wonder. A change of perspective.

Once we were back at the hotel, I let perspectives change again. I sat and watched the world I've always wanted slip away. And instead of doing what I always do - close my eyes, wish it away, and eventually allow it to drift from my memory - I decided to tear it apart completely. To watch it all break and let the pieces scatter. I let it break and it hurt. It hurt terribly. But I saw it from far away, and from far away it all seems rather silly. All this worrying and caring. From far away it was like seeing it from a different side. A side that says there is no reason to keep going and there is no reason to give up. It's all what I decide to do with it. I guess you could say for the first time, I understood. Really understood. The change in perspective scared me a little. It felt like it would be surprisingly easy to let it all go if I did it now. Mom would be taken care of and things wouldn't be half as hard to end this way. But at the same time, it would be surprisingly easy to change what I think. I could change it all, flip it backwards and make a new world. Dream something new and entirely wonderful and reach it.

Perspective. It either brings hope or fear or sometimes even both. But whatever it brings, one thing is for certain. It brings change. And I'm hoping things will change. And I'm hoping for the better.

This Will Come Out As A Vague Mess

I need to say this. I don't care if it makes no sense, it makes perfect sense to me.

Talk to me. I mean really talk. Tell me what's on your mind, tell me everything. I know what I said and I'm sorry. It was wrong to tell you that. Wrong to make you miserable just to make it easier for me. I didn't want this to happen. You have to know that. And now that it happened I want to make it better, if you'll let me try. Just talk to me about it, let me try to make you smile. Please. I'll take it all back if you just smile.

Talk to me. Tell me about it. I can help if you just let me.

24 Hours

A lot can happen in 24 hours. A life can change in that amount of time. As the world turns a full rotation, it's almost as if we do too. From the foggy drowsiness of morning to the rush of the day to the calm of evening and back again to the hazy reach or sleep. The same can be said of most days. From the cheerful bliss of a new day to the dull impatience of the morning to an altogether dismal afternoon and a miserable evening which ended with a hint of hope that possibly the next day I'd wake up happy again.

While it's true that generally 24 hours brings a full rotation, it doesn't mean it has to. Yesterday was the third day in my memory that I had 24 hours of happiness. Nothing went wrong, nothing even really slipped at all. It was altogether wonderful.

But the only thing about being happy, is it sets you up for a disappointment.
And I'm trying desperately to not let that happen today.

I Am Never Getting A Tattoo

I have this habit of always changing things. My mind, my favorite songs - everything. And after changing this blog, I missed the way it was. So, I went back to the other blog (anyone remember Somewhere Past Tomorrow?) and stole the coding, and brought it back. Because somehow this just feels like home...

Sorry to anybody who already was used to the stars, I think we're keeping the dots from now on.

BUT.
There's the slightest of problems. It completely reversed the order of things. Blog posts are above the About Me box which is above the Followers list which is above the Older Posts. It should be Title above About Me above Followers above Older Posts all on the right hand side next to the blog posts.

SO.
For now, we're just going to have blog posts (and a misplaced title that I cannot remove) and when I find a way to get it back to normal, I'll fix it. Sound good?

*hug dots*

I missed it~

Magic

So yesterday we spent the day at the beach. I'm pretty sure I gave myself skin cancer after only one day. Oh well. Maybe I'll finally quit looking like a vampire for once. It makes my freckles show up more though. Sigh. Can't get everything. :P

It was relaxing though. Just watching the waves. I've never been to an actual beach before, but I really liked it. I liked the peaceful rhythm and the sound. I'm still scared of water, but I think before this trip's over I'll overcome that a little. haha I built a sand castle though with my parents, and it looked alot like Cinderella's castle. We have wonderful imaginations. <3 I also collected a few seashells. Not sure what to do with them, but maybe give them to Kat so she can make something out of them.

Then today we went to the Magic Kingdom. It turns out we're staying in the Contemporary, and then the last 3 nights we're going to the Grand Floridian. I'm excited! Anyway the hotel room is amazing. I love it. And the monorail runs through the hotel so we can get to the parks very easily.

But today we went to the Magic Kingdom. It was ... well, magical. Wandered around til we got lost, went on all the rides with no waits. Even Splash Mountain. I must say, I didn't scream like everybody else did, but I didn't really know if I liked it or just didn't scream because I was holding my breath. haha It was a little scary for me, but then again, this trip I've determined to be braver so I'm doing all the scary things this time around.

Anyway, we went back to the hotel for a nap, well, the parents napped. I just hung out. And then we went back to the park tonight for fireworks. They were fantastic! I loved it, the theme is Wishes. And Wishes coming true. It was magical.

I think the most magical moment for the perfect kiss would be under fireworks.

And that sums up today.
Sweet dreams, REC.
(:

The Promised Better Post

So, yesterday was my sixteenth birthday. And I figured what better time to tell about it than now?

For my sixteenth birthday, my mom decided to take the "sweet sixteenth" theme literally. She made me a cake of rice krispie treats and cupcakes and cookies and every other sweet treat you can think of. We already had the house decorated for near a week beforehand and it had been done up in all sorts of colors that happened to coordinate which was fun. And for my birthday she gave me a box filled with original vintage board games. I couldn't have been happier. Candyland was among them, and we played it several times, and we all played together and each won at least once. It was fun!

I also had a chance to talk to some of my friends throughout the day and got so many birthday wishes I'm not sure what to wish for anymore! (: <3

After that, I got my present from my dad. My dad's birthday present I had totally not seen coming. He planned this party...thing I guess you could call it, and it was like a murder mystery and we had to track it all over town. It must have take quite a bit of planning, and it took a good long while. The first clue said "get your suitcase because you'll need it. I hope you planned ahead." I did, and put my stuff in our car, and we were off all over town. Around 5, we finally solved the mystery, and it led us to this amazing place. It was the penthouse of this really tall building downtown whose name I can't recall (I have the memory of a goldfish) and when we got there, the key was waiting for us. And as the "prize" we got to stay there for the night. It was absolutely amazing. Even though it doesn't sound like it. We had to leave at 2 AM to catch our flight for Florida though, so that was disappointing. But we made the most of our time there, jumping on beds and watching movies (we had to release the energy somehow!) and having a relatively amazing time. As we finally tried to get some sleep around midnight or so, we had just gotten settled in and the fire alarms went off. Seriously. In a dizzy panic, we all just left with nothing but our lives and our pajamas and ended up in the lobby with some very annoyed residents as our companions. A good word to describe the mood was confusion. Or chaos. Or both. Near an hour later, the building was reported clear and the culprit was a twelve year old girl who had 'accidentally' broken the glass and pulled the alarm. "I tripped." Best excuse ever.

Anyway, an hour later we got back to our room and got to bed. Funny. If it had really been a fire, we would have been broke and clothes-less. Silly us for being unprepared. haha It was an adventure though and I'm glad it happened! Made the trip even more memorable! And before I got to sleep I saw a text I had missed that had come through while we'd been at the lobby. Made my entire night. <3
I have to say, I wasn't too excited for my sixteenth, but I think looking back it was one of my very favorite birthdays. (:

As of today, however. Our flight got canceled. No excuse or reason, just the red word "CANCELED" following our flight number. So, we were up at 2 AM, with nothing to do but wait until the next flight at 12. So we hung out for a while in the room and played games, watched movies and such until 8, when we went to go see Toy Story 3. Today was opening day and I just want to say, it was incredible. Fair warning though, I cried the entire movie. I know that's really not saying a lot coming from me, but honestly, all the moms who brought their children cried and even my dad almost cried. And that is saying a lot. It's terribly nostalgic/bittersweet, but it was also really wonderful. I recommend seeing it. Definitely. <3

At 12 we got upgraded tickets from the airline which was rather nice, and after stopping in Alabama for dinner, we got to Florida. At the moment we're at the Hyatt, because when our flight was canceled, we called Disney and asked to move our reservations one night. They're very hospitable, so they said of course. So we'll be heading there in the morning. Exciting! Mom hasn't told us where we're staying yet, but fingers crossed it's either the Port Orleans, Coronado Springs, or Contemporary. Goodness knows it's not Grand Floridian, but hey, that's on my 'hopeful' list too! haha

So this is my "let's catch up" blog post.

Having a wonderful time! I'll let you guys know how my trip goes when I get time!

-Jazz (:

New Layout!

If you're observant, you'll see the results of voting were Option 3! With honorary mention to "the Jell-o one" (affectionately named by Bethany).

Like it/hate it?
Easy to see/hard to see?

Longer to load?

Leave a comment, we'll see how this goes!

'night, REC. Promise a better blog soon.

I Hate Goodbyes (A post for Karl)

I guess if I could say something to you before you leave, it would be thanks.

Thanks for putting up with all my complaining, and all my problems.

Thanks for talking me out of things and helping other things make sense.
Thanks for always reminding me I'd outgrow it all eventually. And giving me back that glimmer of hope when things looked hopeless.

I'll miss you. I'll miss you alot.

And I won't forget you either. If you ever come back, and if you still remember, I'd love to just hear from you. Just know how you're doing. How things work out with your family and all.

Karl..I don't know what you'll think. Don't know if it'll do any last bit of good at all.
But here. I wouldn't lie to you. Not again. Not ever again.

So I guess this is a goodbye. I hate goodbyes. So we'll leave it at, thanks for being friends while we were, maybe always will be. (:

-Alexxandre

And To Think I Ever Expected Any Better

I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. Maybe it's because I thought you were better. Maybe it's because I thought I was better. Maybe it's because I'm just sick of being disappointed all the time. Maybe I'm done with this for good this time around. Maybe it's for the better that I'm leaving in a few days. Maybe I just won't come back.

I wonder what you'd say if I didn't.

Maybe you wouldn't say anything.
Maybe you wouldn't care at all.

Love

Love is alot like Tetris.
I've found that there are all sorts of different people, all sorts of different pieces.
And sometimes our goal is to clear all our lines as fast as we can but we don't wait for the right pieces to fall.

Maybe we can see what's coming next, but maybe we can't.

Why settle for the orange "L" shaped piece when the next thing coming is the light blue skinny tall one?

Why settle for the pieces that don't fit exactly, when the perfect match will come along soon enough?

Just a thought for today (:

A Post For My Readers!!

Hey, so we passed 150 posts today!

And I decided as a little change, I'm going to redo the layout of this blog. Designs is a new option for blogs - they just added it. So that's where you guys come in. You've stuck with me for quite a bit now, so you probably know me pretty well by now. So I need YOUR help to pick a layout for this place! I narrowed it down (it was very difficult haha) so I'll show the options and I want everyone who reads this post to leave a comment for your favorite. The one with the most votes will be used! I'll put a reason why I like them, and why I think they fit with each one. Be sure to check them all before commenting!


This is not an option - it's far too bright, but I thought it looked a little bit dizzying from far away in a cool way. haha Just thought I'd show it, but it's not in the running, sorry.

Option 1 - it's a globe and it's in some of my favorite colors. I like this one cause it looks a little bit like something in a dream I have from time to time. (I think I've told you before about it)

Option 2 - this one is simpler. Just stripes. I like it because it matches my picture really well, and it carries on that bit of a magical theme (idk, don't judge me, I'm just weird haha)

Option 3 - I have to admit I'm partial to this one. It's stars, and *forgive my little kid moment* I think stars are the last tangible form of magic left in the world (why do you think we use them for wishing on?) (: Since this place is full of secrets, I'll also admit that I would love to live on a space station like in Zenon [dating myself there haha] SO, I love this layout, but don't let that affect your voting haha.

So thanks for sticking with me for 150 posts, readers (anonymous and non)! You guys are awesome! Don't forget to vote~

Currently listening to: "Miracle" by Kill Paradise (my new favorite band. More on them later!)

Peace Love and All That
Jazz

Writing...Writing...Writing...Stuck.

My story got stuck. I've been writing it rather scattered all along, but now I can't think of things to fill in the gaps. It's turning out better than I expected and I'd say I'm almost halfway done with it, but now I'm faced with the same problem I'm always faced with. How to get from the intro to the ending. I should know better and not write anything out of order, but I think endings are my favorite part of stories so I write them better and I get them out of the way early so I don't lose momentum. That's a really bad idea, because now I have a good introduction, two or three chapters floating in the middle and a wonderful ending.

Now my question is this. How exactly do you get rid of writers' block?

No more anonymous letters for me

Okay so like, I wrote that letter and it was posted, right? And I was happy. Then I freaked out. I was like "What if suchandsuch sees?" "Would they know I wrote that??" I settled for no.

But then today I saw a letter posted on there, and I'm 100% absolutely sure it was written to me. And it made me sad. (when of course, there's a 99% chance it was NOT)

No more anonymous letters. I'm the type of person who thinks too much for those. :P

ON A POSITIVE NOTE: I got new headphones today. :D

Currently listening to: "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

As Far As Camping Is Concerned

I'm a fan.

We had a wonderful evening. I learned how to start a fire. With a match, of course. And then our tent collapsed a little, which wasn't all that bad. We fixed it. Then it started raining, but thankfully we'd already roasted marshmallows and sung some weird song that I'm fairly sure my dad was making up as we went. The rain began to fall halfway through, and as quick as we packed things up and got under the tent, we still were all completely drenched. (Which I have to admit, has caught up to me today. Is it possible to have a cold and the flu at the same time?)

We had a wonderful time though, and we saw that it's raining more tonight, so we decided to just come home early. Which is fun, because my mom still had the day off, so at the moment the three of us are watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I always leave this out for some reason when I'm listing my favorite movies although it's definitely among them. And besides the fact that I'm now sniffling uncontrollably and I can't breathe through my nose, today is definitely a good day. (:

The Great Outdoors

I have the flu. I don't recall if I told you. It feels rather miserable, we're out of chicken for soup, and I still have to do school. I feel really cold, and I think it's just chills, but you know how usually, you get really cold and then you get super hot? Yeah, no, I'm just really cold. And everything hurts and I'm all tingly and it stings for anything to come into contact with my skin and my throat aches and I have a sore tummy and I can't eat.

What is the logical solution?

Let's go camping!
I don't exactly know why we are, but we are. Driving two hours tonight, then staying at a place where they set up your tent, you rent it by the night. Supposedly really nice. I'm not too outdoorsy of a person, to be honest. I mean, yes, I LOVE forests and walking through them, and I like flowers and trees and little creeks and waterfalls, but once my walk through the forest is done, I like to go home and sleep in my bed with my cell phone close at hand. :P
I don't know where she dug it up from, but my mom dug up this lantern to take, and my dad's been teaching me how to fix things since he's been here, so we're gonna try working on that today. Turns out I'm pretty good at fixing things. Like water heaters and sink parts. It's actually rather fun.

Anyway I am excited. I've never actually been camping. I hear it's really fun, so I'll have to write about how it goes once we're back home. If we get back home that is. And don't get eaten by ... *dun dun* Candyface. D:
(I just realized that episode was on last week. Oh how fitting.)

shameless advertising

I got a tumblr. shamelessly advertising it here.
Paper Dreams
Named after my favorite Civil Wars song. <3 You don't have to read it, it will be mostly cute quotes, lyrics, and pictures. I'll keep this site going for actual blogs. Once again, what gets written on Random Emotional Crap, stays here. Same goes for Paper Dreams.

OH AND HELP ME PICK A LAYOUT FOR IT PLEASE. D:

Jazz

Good Morning

I had the best dream last night. I don't really remember what was going on, I just remember it took place in Willy Wonka's factory, the old one where they have those daffodil teacups that are edible and stuff. You have no idea how much I wanted one of those when I was little. xD

So, last night I was reminded just how wonderful my friends are. It's not like I forget, I just sometimes feel like whatever I do I'm in it alone. But that's not true. And so, today I'm actually feeling a lot better. (:
So, apparently today I have to eat cheese soup for lunch and it looks nasty and goupy and dad made it and I hate soup but Ben says if I don't gain weight I'll be a girl and anyway the cat won't eat it either so we have to get rid of it somehow. And besides that I have to just work on school today though I took some time to watch I Love Lucy this morning because it's fun. I forgot how much I love that show haha. I hear tonight there's supposed to be something fun to look at, like, Mars or something out. So maybe we'll go for a drive to see if we can get away from the city lights enough to be able to see something. (:

Just want to say a quick thanks/shout out to Anna for listening, to Sophie for her beautiful blog post, and Ben for reminding me what wonderful friends I have.
<3

chai tea [chy tee] - noun

1. Sugar and milk flavoured with vanilla and cinnamon. And a bit of tea.

<3

Random Emotional Crap

I suppose that's what you're here for, right? Just to say these things to? I find it so hard though. To tell you everything anymore. Sometimes I think it scares me. To see them typed out. What I think, what I feel. It makes me feel like maybe there's something wrong with me. Something more than just being sad when it rains outside.

I'm not alright today.

I could lie and say I'm fine, but today I'm not fine. Not at all. Every time it's quiet I hear it like an echo.

I wish it were all over.

It's a terrible wish and a terrible thought, but it's true. I was so happy yesterday. And it's not like anything changed. I just woke up today with that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to start the endless hours of doing nothing in particular. Not wanting to even keep breathing. I just woke up and felt like closing my eyes and making everything disappear.

Even the daydreams are just leaving me feeling empty. And maybe it is the weather. Maybe when it's warm out, I'll feel the sunshine and be content.

Or maybe there is something wrong with me.