Friday, July 30, 2010

At the moment I'm sitting on my bed looking for stars to wish on. I don't mean to quote Hayley Williams, but I could really use a wish right now. I guess you could say today was a bad day. And I guess you could say tonight was a bad night. There's been a lot of yelling, a lot of letdowns, a lot of circles that my mind's been wandering through. I don't know which way's up right now. I just know that tomorrow I'm not staying here. Ben asked me once if I had a happy place. I thought it was a funny question, but when I thought about it, I think a place that made me the happiest in life was the boardwalk in Atlantic City. So somewhere tonight I'm hoping I'll find myself back there in my mind - smelling the ocean, watching the stars, the lights of a carnival adding that sense of magic to the air. I don't want to dream about what I did last night. I wrote that down today. But I'm crossing it out now and tearing it up. I know I'll regret it; I know I'll want to have kept it, but it made me think and I don't want to think right now.

I'm going to bed. I'd say goodnight, but nothing about right now is good.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Alexx and The Suggestive Vegetation

I think I'm high, REC.
I don't know what on, but something. woot.

Um,
so, at the moment I'm sick to death of my story. So I'm not writing it (ever again) until I feel like it. P: I intentionally made that smiley backwards. I want to read Twilight. I mean it. I want to put on "Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg and read all the Twilight books. But then I'd get laughed at. I think the reason I feel that way is I've been listening to Eleventyseven all day (but more on that here) and omg I just was like, listening to them and dancing around the kitchen and totally knocked a cereal box over. Oops. I hate that stuff anyway. Well, most of the time. Sometimes it's yummy. Speaking of my dancing, that's the one thing I think I fail at most in the world. Like, I can't dance at all. I can do the "mosh pit" thing, and then I can sorrrrrta imitate Single Ladies, but that's about it. Okay, though, I did a dance to 'Retro, Dance, Freak' once, and I was really good at this one part.

You make a victory/peace symbol with both hands, and then you put your right hand palm outward so your middle finger aligns with your eyebrow. You say "retro". Then you put your left hand palm outward so your middle finger touches tip to tip with the index finger of your right hand. You say "dance". And then you keep your hands still but tilt your head so your eyebrows are parallel to the line your connected fingers make and say "freak". I could do that part okay. :D

I want anyone who does that, tell me, I want to know if anybody tries it. xD
I'm so out of it right now, I apologize, you probably think I'm going insane. Who knows, I might be. In relevant news (what do I ever talk about that's relevant?) Ben put up a new picture and it's probably the cutest/sexiest thing ever, but I couldn't bring myself to comment that so I commented on the grass instead. Fail. AND IN EVEN MORE RELEVANT NEWS, I have a little story.

So this morning, I was out in our garden. We have a little 3x3 plot thing that sits on our balcony, and we never grow things in it cause they always die, but we try anyway. So, anyway. I just said anyway twice in a row. Anyway. Last night there was no sign of life in the little plot, but this morning I checked and there was like...this thing. It was a mushroom, it grew overnight - literally. And I was describing it to Kat on the phone and I was like "It's about...5 inches long, kinda skinny. It's really tan but near the tip it starts getting red and it's kinda stiff and standing straight up" And she was like 'Are you sure this is a mushroom we're talking about?' and it took me, like, a full 3 minutes before I was like "Ew, Kat, shut up, it's a plant." And then she was like 'You have some very suggestive vegetation growing it sounds like'. I kinda laughed. A little. Then like...she was like 'take a picture I want to see it.' and I went to take a picture with my phone and the mushroom was literally shriveled up dead. And I was like "holy crap, what a life span." I felt like sharing this story with you. Because I just did.

Until whatever I'm on crashes, it's best I stop talking to you.

CHEERIO!

^ that was not being racially insensitive towards my wonderful British friends, I seriously knocked over the Cheerios box, I swear.
<3

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Today Today..Today...

Today is a rather nice day relatively speaking.

At this present moment I have a pot of peppermint tea (it's more like a thermal pitcher I suppose) sitting next to me and a new notebook to write my book in and Pride & Prejudice (the new one) on DVD (I don't care for the old one. ick.) On the movie "The Jane Austen Book Club" which I must admit I felt a suspicious connection to though didn't particularly care for, they say 'I hate Pride & Prejudice. It's like a parade of weddings.' I disagree. I think it's a wonderful book and the movie adaptation with Kiera Knightly is so perfectly cast in every sense. There's just something about the first meeting at the Meryton Ball that always elicits that bit of a smile.

I just dropped my pencil into the depths of the couch. Sigh.

I'm writing in pencil now. I'm past the first bits, which means now I'm writing the middle of the story. There's much to write, little stories to go between the introduction and the conclusion. And I'm writing them to be perfect, though goodness knows every book requires at least 3 drafts before ready to enter into a contest. I'm at a standstill however. I want to write from the beginning of the story now, to continue the introduction in the logical pattern, but at the same time one of the little stories requires much emotion. Emotion I can write at the moment. Emotion has been all too prevalent as of late, but I daresay is finally relenting a bit. However, I'm attempting to capture it before it's gone completely. So I'm unsure which to write at the moment.

I'm using large words, aren't I? I do that when I'm writing. Or when I'm watching or reading Jane Austen.
I'll make this a bit less poetic and old fashioned.
This kid is cute. Like, really really cute. Watch him. <3

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sorry To Anyone I Freaked Out Last Night

I'm not sure what to say in this post.

Things are fixed.
I can never stay mad at him. Not that I was mad at him to begin with. But we fixed everything. I'm glad we did.

I'm smiling again today. I got to see some stars last night. I love stars.
Sometimes it takes things going wrong for things to go right.

Things are going right again.

<3

Monday, July 26, 2010

I Hate My Life

I've never hated it more than I do right here, right now.

I can't believe I lied to him this long. I guess I thought he'd forget, somehow I'd never have to tell him the truth. But that's wrong. Because if you love someone, you want them to know the truth. So I decided I should tell him. And now he's upset and disappointed, the two things I never wanted him to be. And not with me..

I can say I'm sorry, but those are just words. They seem so flimsy. So fake. I could say I love you. I won't lie to you again. But that would only push him further. So I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom, crying, writing to you in hopes somehow putting it on paper will make it go away. It won't go away.

I know Ben should hate me right now, but that doesn't change the sudden emptiness I felt when he said not to expect to hear from him. Just when things were going right, I had to fuck them up like I always do. And now I'm sitting here wishing it were July 1st all over again. I was happy that day. Because he made me happy. Because he said he liked me. And asked me if I'd be his. Sure he was just joking, but it made me happy. I liked it when he said 'my Alex' after that.

But now he won't say anything at all. And in the empty silence, it's easy to remember everything I want to forget.

I've never hated my life more than I do right here, right now.

Karl

I slept on it. And in the light of a new morning where the world does not look like a dismal black hole of...dismalness, I've come to the conclusion that now you are playing with my emotions, and that's something I definitely do not need. I never did anything but tell you the truth (I lied. Yeah. Once. Then I told you the truth about it.) and I'm sick of trying to convince, and frankly, I'm sick of you. So I deleted you from MSN, but I didn't block you. Because some part of me never gives up on friends. So should you ever need advice or just someone who will listen, you know my address. Until then, I'm not in the mood to have my emotions messed with. Goodbye.

Currently listening to: Blue Suitcase by Erin McCarley.
Oh how fitting. (:

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Civil Wars

That one day you took my hand
You should know you took my heart too
I have to say loving you's been my favorite mistake
But I've found things fall apart faster when I'm awake

So I took my dreams and kissed your name
And folded them and took my aim
And sent them to the stars like a paper airplane
Now go to sleep and close your eyes
Come soar with me through moonlit skies
Just you and me
And all our paper dreams

I gave you my heart but you threw it away
Crinkled and torn, I smoothed it and glued it
And I've been wearing it on my sleeve since then
But it's time to make a wish with it, fold it, and dream again

So I took my dreams, crossed out your name
And tore them up, threw them away
No more shooting stars, no more paper airplanes
Just broken hearts and tears to cry
Just wishing I could say goodbye
They're falling apart at the seams
All my paper dreams

Our memories fade like stars during day
But every night they still sparkle the same
Those stars can look so far away
But there's a reason they make tape

So I took my dreams, rewrote your name
And taped them all back again
And smiled and folded them into a paper airplane
The moonlit night is filled with songs
And stars are still for wishing on
For you and me

I took my dreams and kissed your name
And folded them and took my aim
And sent them to the stars like a paper airplane
Now go to sleep and close your eyes
Come soar with me through moonlit skies
Just you and me
And all our paper dreams

- Paper Dreams

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Two Sides Of A Coin

Today began magically. We dropped Walter somewhere I don't know, I was asleep when it happened. But on a whim, I decided to call my friend Leah, I hadn't seen her in...three or four years? She lived at the town we were spending today in, so we thought it would be fun to hang out. Well she and her mom were cleaning, like, seriously cleaning with a dumpster and all, so we asked if we could help. It was actually fun, we got to go through all this cool old stuff in her basement. And it was just fun to see her again. I've missed her alot. I've been playing Wii Fit for 3 hours every day and I'm rather glad, because I actually was able to carry all the heavy stuff for once. haha And today was sunny. Not the usual "oh the sun's shining." sunny, but the kind where it's warm and you just want to close your eyes and soak it in and can't help but smile. Today was magical.

And then we had to say goodbye.

The trip home, nothing was magical. I'm not sure why but I started feeling worse an worse, and by the time we were close to home, the smallest things were upsetting me. Like, Ben didn't say goodnight, and I got all upset. And then Mom told me I shouldn't listen to so much pop music, and I got all upset. And when we got detoured through some tiny town in Illinois, I got all upset. I'm currently a train wreck waiting to happen. Or at least I was. I then decided to log on facebook. Silly me. I now am a train wreck that already did happen. A mess of sniffles and shouting and I literally threw Dmitri at the cat. And then I felt really bad and picked up Dmitri and hugged him and apologized. The cat won't come near me though. I don't know what's wrong with me today. But I still feel like shouting and swearing and crying. And I don't even think I can sleep.

What's wrong with me?

Readers, Please Read This

So, (does anybody else notice that when I'm aware I'm addressing more than one person online, I always start it off with "so"?) last night I was talking to Ben and I don't remember how we got there (oh yes I do, we were talking about how I sign my letters :P) and we came to the conclusion that my blog is far to vague nowadays. Look at yesterday's post. Now raise your hand if you knew what happened (Emmy and Anna, you're not allowed to because I told you haha). See what I mean? Now look at the first few posts here. It was my escape from my vague blog which I later deleted. So, I'm returning this to it's literal state.

Now, you.
In returning this to it's literal (explicit ;D) state, I will most likely end up writing about one, some, most, or all of you at some point or another. Please don't take it personally if it's not quite...rainbows and flowers. I want every one of you to know I love you, I don't want any burned bridges from things I say, more often if it's bad it's just a rant, and talk to me about it and we'll fix it. If you don't like something I said about you, or don't understand it, talk to me about it and that's that.

Now that we got that all out, I'll start off with a bit of a post of what we did last night.


There was a terrible storm here. I love storms, for the record, but only the lightning and the rain. Walter fell asleep on the couch because he's playing the gentleman like "oh well I already packed, and I don't want to inconvenience you tonight. You should sleep on your bed again, Mrs. Roux." Damn right she should. Anyway, so I got to sleep on my bed again (random fact I don't think I've shared - my bed isn't really a bed, it's a window seat with storage beneath it, but the window keeps it cool to sleep next to during the summer) which was kind of nice because I could watch the storm. Well then the power went out. I wasn't using anything plugged in, so I didn't notice except they called Mom's cell because apparently during disasters (storms do count for that) they run low on nurses, so she had to work after working a full day already. So I was left alone in the room with the storm and no lights. Which was exciting. Except I felt kind of sick. Which was not exciting. But that's a different story. Anyway, one thing that was fun that happened last night was once the power got cut off, I was still texting Ben and he decided to try to call me, but that never works and I don't really know why, but it just doesn't connect to my phone. But he was able to leave me a voicemail so that was fun. :P And a really random thing to put here. xD I didn't know where to put it, but I wanted to put it somewhere.

On the topic of random things, I'm up way too early for a Saturday. But, like, last night I kept falling asleep texting (never a good thing, as I realized a month ago that I can and do text in my sleep) so I wasn't exactly sleeping "like a log" when mom got home about an hour ago. So she's trying to get at least an hour of sleep, but I already got 5 1/2 hours of sleep so although I'm yawning I'm going to stay up for the day. Today we drive Walter back where we found him and ditch him at this one diner place. We are not waiting for Dad to show up to be sure he makes it home alright, he's an adult (I'm sure he has his AARP card to prove it) so he can make it home perfectly fine on his own. I was proud of mom, she's not even driving halfway. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him, he fully paid for the rest of our house. Which is why he was even out here. I think. But anyway, that still means a road trip, and I'm not good at road trips as of late. ): Someone kidnap me so I don't have to go.

Currently listening to : "Collect Call" by Metric

Friday, July 23, 2010

Our False Reality

We see what we want to see. In everything. And when good things happen, we smile, we laugh, we make a memory of them. But deep down inside, we're begging for things to not collapse as is the inevitable outcome. And when it does collapse, we tell ourselves "it's not as bad as it seems" because we honestly want to believe it's not as bad as it seems. We want to believe the lie we created that things are alright and will always be alright. Without realizing that things are a shabby patch-up of what we hope to be a happy ending. But eventually we get tired of pretending and we see through our false reality to see that nothing is alright. And there are no happy endings. Only good moments that are followed by an empty ache that can only be filled with more pretty lies.

So Yesterday

I didn't tell you what was wrong. If you were one of the lucky ones to read it while it was up, lucky you. For everybody else, suffice to say, Karl is an idiot, we're no longer friends. He's still reading this blog or said he would, but idc it's my blog so I'm saying what I want. No more pretending to be nice.

In other news, I've talked to Ben for...7? hours straight today. Goes without saying that I'm in a bubbly happy sort of mood, despite my continued fever of 103. ): Enough complaining. Walter leaves tomorrow, I'm having the time of my life right now, and I got a strawberry milkshake for supper. I'm content today. (:

Thursday, July 22, 2010

):

Logic. Today makes none.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dear ______ (possibly you?)

Dear Benjamin,
Today was a terrible day, for reasons I've only been able to tell you. I wanted to say thank you for listening to me about it. For telling me I'm not worthless, for the text hug, and just talking me through it. Next time you're having troubles, I'll be here for you like you are for me. (: I also wanted to say I missed you. It's strange to say, because we still were in touch, but I missed your waking me up so late at night and I missed your texts when you're on break at work. I'm glad you're home. Because I just all-around miss you when you're gone.

Dear Anna,
Thank you. For everything. You mean so much to me, so much more than you'll ever know. And you will get through because hard times never last forever. Promise. (:

Dear Bethany,
You are awesome. And you'll make it. Don't live for everyone else if it's going to destroy you. Find the balance [this sounds so Star Wars haha]. You'll get through it. Love you. Smile. (:

Dear Sophie,
I love your optimism. :D Don't lose it. When you feel pessimistic, remember that the glass is always have full of fregetable juice. Which I hear can make one awfully hyper. (;

Dear Chris,
I'm so sorry I won't be out to see you again. I'll miss you and Taylor so much, I can't even really say it. I wanted so badly to be at your party next week, to say goodbye, and hug you. I won't forget those long nights we'd spend, just the two of us, talking about everything and anything. I won't forget your hugs and the way you scramble eggs so very awesomely. I'm proud of you. For following your dreams and becoming something even better than you are. I knew you could do it. (: Best of luck in New York. If you're ever in Chicago, come visit me. And of course, I'll try my best to visit the two of you. Give Taylor an awkward kiss for me. :P

Dear Kat,
DUMBLEDORE <3

Dear Karl,
Please tell me what I do. Because you always seem upset. I'm trying my very best, I'm out of ideas. I read our history the other day and it literally made me cry how far apart we are. What happened to us? We never speak...it feels like you dislike me, whatever I did, I'm sorry, I'll try to be better. I just want to be like we were when we first met. Please? ):

Dear Elise,
Tell anyone who says your hair looks weird that they're insane and jealous. (; You look wonderful.


Peace, Love, and all That
Jazz

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Need A Hug ):

Sorry I haven't written since we left for Nebraska.
I've not been in a writing sort of mood. Mostly because I feel miserable. See, I'm having trouble. I never get headaches, but lately I've had headaches so bad I can't even think. Light makes it worse, and I just feel awful. And then they pass a little. Well, Mom thought nothing of it, just told me it was my new glasses. But then I've started having terrible pain when I try to move my mouth at all. This morning when mom checked for a fever and found that I'm having a pretty bad fever on one side of my face. Which she concluded as being a dormant infection from my recently removed stitches. She hadn't put them in, it had been the medical guy at the waterpark had (a fact which bothered her immensely). Well apparently there was an infection that remained dormant until now which is why today I have a fever and chills and feel miserable. So, mom's giving me antibiotics starting tomorrow which sucks because my medicines counteract, so I can't take them so I'll be all nervous and a relative wreck for the next week until they run out.

I can't stop shaking, but I'm burning up at the same time. ): I feel miserable tonight.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What a night

So tonight was filled with really weird..ness and with packing.
Tomorrow mom and I are going driving to Nebraska in one shot. Call me reluctant. Because I am. I don't want to go. For one, I don't want to listen to country music for hours straight. And I don't want to even be in a car for that long. And I don't want to go see that same guy. Not again. He's coming to discuss finances at our house. For like, more than just 2 days. I think that's the part I like least. Anyway this is complaining.

There's a lot to be happy for. I get to see a bunch of new sights on the highway tomorrow, and maybe listen to something fun after we run out of Rascal Flatts. We can stop at a really cool little dive restaurant to eat, and maybe spell letters on the highway signs. And maybe he won't remember me. Maybe he'll not pay attention. And hey, I will get a chance to practice my "silent 'I-hate-you' stares" if nothing else. :D

Anyway I will be gone until Monday. Miss you!
Goodnight.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

You don’t even know how hard I try. I change everything I can to be what you want. And for a few days I thought maybe I’d done it. Become what you were looking for. Things seemed better, you seemed happier. It was what I've always wanted. And then I guess I messed up. Because all of a sudden, I’m not good enough anymore. Everything I do you criticize or mock or disapprove of. Every once in a while, when there's nobody looking, you seem happy again. Like maybe I'm not such a disappointment. But then, it's like you remember all the things I've done wrong again. I tried to tell you, I tried so hard to. But I still don't think you understand. Not even a full day later, and we're back where we started. Me trying my hardest, and you far away and cold again. At this point I’m still trying. But there’s only so much I can change. Only so much bending I can do before I break. Tell me what to do, if you want me out of your life, it’s okay, I’ll do that. If you want me to back off, I will, promise. Just tell me what to do to be good enough again. Tell me what to do that you would approve of. That you wouldn’t push away. I’m so sick of being pushed away; one of these times I’ll take the hint and simply leave.

Augustana

Wait dear, a white horse is walking down my street here,
Your words are creeping at my feet
I fear, sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear
Into the haze of this city and go south...

Look out, they're coming after us with big guns,
They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done
Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,
Now I'm left here dying inside

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you...

Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

One last phone call from you, it wouldn't hurt much,
I'd just like to hear your voice and pretend to touch,
Any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all or sung
My life away


- Stars and Boulevards

My favorite song ever. Ever.

:D

I just want to say thank you. You know who you are.
Thank you for being there, and thank you for listening. And thank you for pushing when I said I was fine. Not many people do that. I'm glad I could finally say everything to you. It's difficult for me to say so many things to so many people, but once they're said it's always much better. And I was glad I could say it all to you. You're a wonderful friend, and I hope you know just how much it means to me that you care. (:

P.S. I'm sorry this post is so mushy. :P I've been up a long time already. haha

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Another Day

Another lie.
Another broken promise.

Another chance to listen to Flyleaf and be emo.
I'm even optimistic about being depressed.
Scary.

edit: listen

Friday, July 9, 2010

What Would The Sun Look Like Without The Clouds?

I realize I haven't actually posted something meaningful in 5 days.
I apologize.
To be honest, I just really don't want to write to you. Don't take it personally, you've done nothing wrong. I just have nothing I want to say for you or the internet to hear. There really is nothing to say. I'm not even certain I know what's going on anymore. The more I think about everything, the less it all makes sense, given it made much to begin with, and writing it just worsens the situation.

I suppose I could update on some things that have been happening lately.

We arrived home from Florida. The trip was nothing special. Nothing terribly intriguing. Simply a very long drive. The night we got home, we were so happy to see our little apartment building. We were not so pleased to see the eviction notice in the mailbox. It's not called that. I keep forgetting what it is called. The bank is taking back our apartment if we don't pay $50,000 on it by the end of the month. Goodness knows even my dad can't afford that much money, though he is trying to help us. I gave all my money, which totaled near $3, to the effort as did mom. At least we're not going down without a fight. It was a terrible night however. I hadn't slept in days, and my parents were both (quite loudly as is the natural tendency when stressed) calling people they know asking for advice, help, whatever they could get at 10:30 at night. They sent me to the kitchen to make supper, which was to be cheese soup as that's the only food we had. I just sat there, frustrated, sad, and dismal - trying very hard not to curse or cry or collapse from exhaustion.

It was a long night.

Since then things have been alright. We've still come up with only $6,000, but we're making the best of what time we have in the house still. Mom's been working herself doing double shifts and watching a drug-testing center now. Those places where they test new medications for side effects. They pay the patients thousands for only a few days of work, but unfortunately not the nurses. But every bit helps. I'm cat-sitting for the neighbor now for the same reasons. Two cats. And I'm not fond of cats in the first place, although her cats are more stupid than mine. I mean that in the literal sense; my cat is sneaky and devious, these ones are content to stretch out on a little pad shaped like a mouse and sleep all day as long as they have food and water. I don't think there's much to be said as far as thought processes are concerned. Which is a good thing, because as a result they are very sweet.

There have been a few bad moments since we got home, however. There have been things going on I'd rather not say. Fears, addictions, and changes. I'm not fond of the direction things are going. I'd rather not clarify on this point, though. Not here. I can't tell if it was as a result or not, but Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. I thought I knew what happened, but I think it was the weather and the reason I expected and everything else tied into a knot. Either way, it was the worst I've been for a while. It took everything I had to get the dangerous objects locked in the cabinet, but I did and that helped considerably. I think what helped the most though, was my friends. I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gotten sense talked into me by Emmy and Ben and had Bethany and Shannon to cheer me up and Anna to sing me Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato over text. My friends are the best, I don't know what I'd do without them. <3

Things are a little better now, I think anyway. And I'm fairly sure they'll continue to get better. Yesterday was already much better than the day before and today I can only hope will continue the trend.

To end this update on a positive note, I won a competition. My first-ever time to win a writing competition. The theme was "emotion" so I figured I had a shot. haha I wrote a short piece about two strangers who meet on the street in a small town somewhere. It was actually interesting, because they both had lost someone, and it's really confusing to explain, but someday I'll post it here; it wasn't a romance piece, it was more just...how the same loss can connect people on such a deep level.
But
That's not what I ended up submitting. I had that all spell-checked and polished. It was perfect and ready to send, when I wrote something else. I named the other piece Broken. It was something I'd never tried - a completely plotless, vague essay written in present tense. It was probably the most honest thing I've ever written. I didn't even spell-check, I simply submitted it. And won the contest. Even the other authors were enamored with it, which surprised me since their entries were beautiful and so filled with feeling.
At any rate, if you'd like to read it, it's on my Facebook under my notes. "Broken" is the title.

And now I shall leave you with the promise that I will update you soon.
If nothing else, to let you know how the neighbor's cats are doing.

P.S. I have had the worst time today spelling "neighbor". My mind thinks that looks wrong today and I keep blanking out on what would look right. :P

Monday, July 5, 2010

Mae [I]

Sometimes I run, but I'm not afraid.
Why must you bring up all the mistakes I've made?
She makes me smile, then you come around.
The wind in her hair reflects the sunset I see.

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?

Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right-like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right
Pull over to the station and fill up on fuel.
And what will I do?

Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way
then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.

- Skyline Drive

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy Independence Day

234 years ago, several brave men signed a document that could have meant the end of their lives, but they did so for freedom, for hope, and for the chance of a better life in this country. It was a beautiful act of rebellion against oppression and against the suffocation of freedom. The world won't ever forget them, or what they did. Because of them, today we here in the United States enjoy opportunities to be what we want in life and around the world the influence of our country is still strong.
All thanks to bravery and a dedication to the ideals of freedom.
Happy Independence Day.


On a note of how today went, I got to spend it with Kat and her family. Madison is adorable, and I was in love with her the moment I got to hold her. James is even more infatuated with her and does everything with her. It's wonderful to see them all so happy. We grilled hamburgers today, and then watched a parade downtown. And then we watched Macy's fireworks show in downtown Manhattan on TV. They were wonderful, best music hands down, best actual fireworks as well. And then we went to the actual fireworks in a baseball diamond near here. It was magical. Even moreso than the fireworks at Disney almost, only because it's so much better when there's a reason for celebration. I love fireworks no matter the reason though. <3 It made me wonder what the first Independence Day fireworks were like in 1777. I wonder how excited the war-torn little towns were that they were nearly free. It would have been wonderful to be there I think. Now I'm going all history-geek on you. So I'll let you go with a goodnight and a reminder to always remember-

Freedom is never free, but it's the one thing worth dying for.

Happy 4th of July

Rantrantrantrantrant

I'm going to begin this blog post with a rhetorical question.
Am I stupid?
Why do people lie to me and break their promises? I mean, if you want to be general, people break their promises because they can't keep them most of the time. Which is forgivable. But sometimes, people make me promises just to make me temporarily happy. Newsflash, I'm not an idiot, I'll realize sooner than later that you really didn't mean it. Think I'll still be happy?
And lying to me. Why does everybody think that's okay? Oh, yeah, because I tend to trust the people I care about to tell me the truth. Apparently I need to stop doing that because for the whatever-eth time in a row, they keep lying to me.

Am I stupid? Is that why they do this?
Ugh. This is ranting, but idgaf right now, I want to rant.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

You Can Tell It's A Bad Day If..

I start it off listening to Secret & Whisper.
The first thing I did after I got out of bed was pull out my Zune and put on "Southern Arrow-Wood". I don't really care that the song is rather weird and about American Indian spiritualism, something about that song calms me. All their songs do. And at the moment, that's exactly what I want.

I'm aware I'm not alright, but for five minutes I felt alive - I felt like maybe I wasn't so far from being normal after all. And then I woke up from this vicious dream that's captured me. I woke up to reality. Nothing will ever be alright.

Today will be a long day. I'll spend every moment pretending I'm happy, and tonight when we're all in the car and the silence settles in, I won't sleep. I'll lie there, wishing I could close my eyes but afraid of what I'll see when I do. Instead I'll listen to some sort of music with superficial lyrics and a fast beat as loud as I can to drown out my thoughts. If I can't think, I can't feel, and if I can't feel..I can't feel sad.

Friday, July 2, 2010

New Introductions And Most Likely The Last Mini-Update

I'd like to start this off to introduce a new friend. Her name is Rachel, and I met her on Facebook. I actually added her off the suggested friend thing because her profile picture was Doctor Who themed, and here's a random little-known fact, Mom and I used to watch that show faithfully on loan from the library when we lived in Washington. Fun times. Anyway, Rachel is nice, she's wonderful at advice and listening. Which is awesome. (: She shares the same viewpoints on my lifestyle as Kyle however, which I have to admit, makes me uncomfortable. But with that exception, I think we might end up pretty good friends. I'm not sure how much I'll talk to her or about her, but may as well introduce her just in case! (:

So now for the mini-update. We're leaving DisneyWorld tomorrow night. Sad. I love it here, we've had tons of fun. Yesterday we were at Hollywood Studios and I went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror. That was exciting. What it is is an elevator, that takes you to the top of this old hotel and drops you in random patterns. It actually felt more like being suspended in air than actually falling, and I really liked it and even dragged my parents on it. They weren't quite so fond of it sadly. Then we saw Fantasmic last night and it was absolutely wonderful. I met most all of the Pixar characters yesterday as well, and it was lots of fun. I liked that park. Today we're going back to Epcot, then tomorrow the Magic Kingdom, and then we're driving all night to get to Kat's house. We're going to spend the 4th with her and James and I'll finally get to meet Madison! I'm excited!

As far as everything else, I've been doing wonderfully lately. Everything finally seems like it's going right. I haven't even been having the usual nightmares; they've all been replaced by good dreams. I'm just happy again and maybe it's the sunny weather or maybe it's a certain something else even more wonderful, but either way I'll be the first to agree that this is the Happiest Place on Earth.

(: