I Hate My Life

I've never hated it more than I do right here, right now.

I can't believe I lied to him this long. I guess I thought he'd forget, somehow I'd never have to tell him the truth. But that's wrong. Because if you love someone, you want them to know the truth. So I decided I should tell him. And now he's upset and disappointed, the two things I never wanted him to be. And not with me..

I can say I'm sorry, but those are just words. They seem so flimsy. So fake. I could say I love you. I won't lie to you again. But that would only push him further. So I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom, crying, writing to you in hopes somehow putting it on paper will make it go away. It won't go away.

I know Ben should hate me right now, but that doesn't change the sudden emptiness I felt when he said not to expect to hear from him. Just when things were going right, I had to fuck them up like I always do. And now I'm sitting here wishing it were July 1st all over again. I was happy that day. Because he made me happy. Because he said he liked me. And asked me if I'd be his. Sure he was just joking, but it made me happy. I liked it when he said 'my Alex' after that.

But now he won't say anything at all. And in the empty silence, it's easy to remember everything I want to forget.

I've never hated my life more than I do right here, right now.