I know I said goodbye already but this is my silent cry for help.
I'm struggling to stay above the surface. I feel like nobody understands me. Kat doesn't, Mom doesn't, even Ben doesn't. I feel like a misfit who can't fit in even if I try. I feel worthless, lost, and unloved.
I feel like Ben never really did care. Still doesn't. Is it selfish for me to want to be to him what he is to me? I want to be the one he thinks about all the time and can't wait to talk to. I want him to think I'm beautiful and I want him to want me more than anything else in the world. I feel forgotten so often. Like I'm the last thing he wants.
I'm struggling with life. Days are so dark, I hardly find my way anymore. I smile and pretend I'm okay. Nobody likes mopey people. Nobody would understand anyway.
I'm struggling with my past. There are so many things I regret. I can't seem to move on from the past. It haunts me, worse all the time. My friends try to relate, they really do. They say my innocence was taken, it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think it was. And it's not just that it happened. It's another scar now.
That's why I could never be beautiful. I have too many scars. I have scars on my arms from nights I almost didn't live through. I have scars from abandonment and abuse. I have scars from my past that don't heal. Ever since the last time, this summer, I can't let people touch me. Not even Kat. Barely even my own mom. No one could ever find something so broken beautiful.
This is my silent cry for help. I want someone to understand. I want someone to tell me I'm still worth something, still beautiful to them. I want them to really mean it though. I want the sun to shine again. I want to trust. I want to fall in love. This time I want him to love me back.
I want everything to be different. Because I'm desperately trying to hold on.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey you. Things'll be okay. I feel like a stuck record.
ReplyDeleteI want to be next to you holding your hand and telling you're beautiful because you are. Any number of scars could never stop that. You're always beautiful. Even if only to me. I want to hold you and let you cry into my shoulder. I want to press my lips to your forehead. I want you to fall asleep next to me and I can watch you at peace.
I can't even begin to explain how much you mean to me. And you can't even begin to understand how wonderful you are. You are beautiful.
You hurt. It makes me hurt. And I stay strong for you because you need something. I stay strong for you because you're always there for me.
I miss you so much sometimes. I miss you when I don't know how you are. I worry about you when you haven't spoken to me.
I wish I could say I understand everything. But to be honest, I don't. I will not try and feel everything you've felt in some failing attempt to relate to you because it would not help the situation.
You are beautiful.
You are everything to me.
If you lose it, I do too.
I love you.
xxx