Feeling So Far Away

soooo yeah, I feel so far away right now. From Ben, from my mom, even from Matt.

Ben won't talk to me, though I know he's been around. I even changed my status to 'not going to be online for a while. Merry Christmas!' and all my friends commented on it. Except him. He's probably avoiding me. Or mad at me. Or something. I'm sick of it. It's ruining my whole childlike adoration of the holidays, so I'm just giving it up. Some random person said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. So I'll try THIS approach. I'm not talking to Ben again til after New Years. Maybe he'll miss me. Or maybe he'll just forget me. I don't even know. Worth trying.

So yeah, I lied to my friends. I said I was going to be gone. And I'm not. But I just don't want to put up with all the drama right now.
Can't talk to Allie cause she only ever talks about her boyfriend and that's fine, but it just sorta makes me feel empty because I've never found somebody who actually cares about me in that way. Not even once.
Can't talk to Elise because she's mad at me and Ben both. Says we're acting like 2-year-olds and we are, but I'm trying really hard to be mature about it.
Can't talk to Kyle because...well I guess I can talk to Kyle, but our schedules seem pretty off so there's not much chance to.
There's just no reason not to ditch Facebook for the holidays. So I'm gonna.

I feel distant from my mom too though. I mean, since the whole ordeal with her boyfriend, I've just sorta..not felt like talking to her again. I inherited my quietness from her, so we're comfortable in silence. But I feel bad for being mad at her, but at the same time, I have a right to be mad at her. I think.

Matt seems distant too. Which isn't altogether bad, just...idk bad. haha I guess I'm just nervous that he somehow caught onto the fact that I don't like him. Maybe he found this blog. Eep. No, I don't think he did, maybe he's just busy. But he hasn't talked to me much. Doesn't go online unless I tell him to etc. Makes me sorta sad, because in a selfish way, I like talking to him. He pays attention to me.

ugh, I dunno. Today's just a bad day for me.
Oh well.

Christmas is coming up and I need to wrap presents.