I Should Just Go To Bed

I dunno. Maybe I overreact. Maybe I think too much.

But tonight I have reason to feel alone. Mom called from halfway to Vegas. Her boyfriend surprised her with tickets to some fancy show down there or something. Since she told him about our moving. I can't go with, because we gotta keep up that lie that she's a single lady in the middle of a divorce. No kids. Or whatever. I'm sick of it, and I don't like him, but mom says we can move and never hear from him again. But not like I want to be with them tonight or tomorrow or the next night, I just don't want to be here so alone.

I talked to Charlotte tonight but she eventually stopped replying, which she does alot. And then Kyle got on and I talked to him for about 10 minutes before he had to leave to go to bed. I'm desperate for someone to just talk to. Because I'm scared to be alone. Scared of what I'll do to myself. We don't even have Hernandez or whatever the stupid cat's name was anymore. It's just me and the quiet darkness of the apartment.

Sometimes when I fall asleep, I'll try to imagine what it would be like to have someone there beside me. Just quietly humming some wandering tune and messing with the ends of my hair. Someone to talk to when the nights are long and quiet and I can't get to sleep. In my imagination it's wonderful. But it's that point when I realize I have to stop pretending and face the reality that I'm alone tonight. And no amount of wishful daydreams will change that.

Gosh, I don't even know why I'm writing all this. I guess I just feel like maybe if I talk to myself I'll feel like someone's actually listening. I don't know how I'm going to make it 2 more days feeling like this. I miss so many people right now it's insane. I miss Katie-Ana and the crazy fun times we'd have together. I miss Elise and our Heartbreak Hotel, where we'd watch chick flicks and eat junk food til we felt better. I miss Ben. I miss my mom the way we were when it was just us and no one else.
I guess I miss myself too. The me who didn't care if my nights were long and lonely as long as the next day the sun shone a little brighter.

So this must be what it feels like to have no direction in life. I hope so at least. Because if this is living, I don't think I like it very much.