A Very Long, Very Jumbled Post Of A Romantic Nature

And so it begins.

We'll start with what I should catch you up on since my last real post.
First off, I confessed I was in love with Zach. That was awkward. In a group chat we were both in (along with Bethany and Elise), there was a moment of silence and I decided (after throwing up cause of stomach butterflies) to just go for it and said "Zach, I'm in love with you." He was afk, didn't notice for a while or something and later I finally had to know why he wasn't bringing it up so I did. It was awkward, a letdown (which I knew was coming so it wasn't so bad) and ended with as long as I don't ever expect reciprocated feelings or write him into one of my gay fiction chapters, we're cool.
But it's not...well, it's different. Zach...is an incredible person. I can see myself as being happy with him. But happy with him because he would be a mystery I'd have to solve every day. Happy because I'd know I had one of the sweetest people in the world. Happy for the emotional reasons. Not to say he's not physically attractive, because he definitely is, but...not...well, let's be blunt, I could never picture myself actually doing anything physical with him. Ever.
(Zach, if you're reading this, let out a sigh of relief, I don't ever think that way about you :P)

Then there's Ben. Don't know what to say about him. I don't know what there is to say about him. But he still talks to me. And I still love him more than anything. Now, him...it's different. I think with him, I'd be alive. He's the shallowest, most superficial, flirty mess of a boy I've ever met, and his personality isn't what I'd normally get along with, but he has that adventurous spark. With him, I'd dare to follow dreams, live life instead of watching it pass. With him, I'd be so alive. And, to be completely honest, he's hot. I'll admit that. I'll also confess to the internetz that I have recurring dreams of him and me, and they're not blatantly sexual in nature but...they get a little close sometimes. He's the only boy I've ever felt that way about before.
But, enough about him, he's obsessed with someone else now.

Then there's Matt. Well, for a bit he wasn't talking to me. Thought he was avoiding me. Found out he was busy with...other things. We talked a little. He says he's still in love with me.
And I feel like a criminal.
See...I don't love him back. I don't dislike him by any means, but I just...there's no spark there. He's a good person, and he really does have beautiful eyes, but...like...I don't even find him physically or emotionally attractive for some reason. The one person in this world who wants me and I don't want him back. How stupid is that?
Now I think I could be happy with him. I mean, we have similar goals. Sometimes I'll find myself imagining a life with him and I would be content. He'd take good care of me, but I would always be looking for something else. Why is that?

Well

I talked it through with myself today and I think I figured it out. See, Matt...Matt's had previous relationships and such and, well, he's slept with more than one guy on more than one occasion. Now, I have a list of 10 reasons why I plan to save sex for marriage. I've worked on it and perfected it for 2 years now. Reason 3 is that I don't want whoever I marry to think I have any intimate memories of anyone besides them. But with that rule, I'm always quick to say that I could care less about my spouse having those memories, as long as they're with me now that's all that matters. But now that I'm in a situation like that, I'm finding out that I do care. It bothers me alot.

I used to think I'd fall in love with someone despite their gender, their appearance, or their past. I used to be completely blind to everything but who they were inside, but that's all starting to change against my will.

But all that's just a small part of it. I mean, I don't think I'd honestly be that jealous if I did end up with Matt. He promises he loves me now and won't ever think of other guys that way anymore, so I would probably be able to block out that worry. But it still leaves me with what I think deep down is what keeps me from loving him. And it's the fact that he's grown up and I'm still a little kid. I think that's why I can't love him and why I love Ben so damn much.

Matt's 18, and already been in relationships with 4 other guys, all of them including physical encounters. Me - I'm just a clueless, immature teenager who doesn't know the first thing about dating and has never been in a relationship lasting more than a few days. And Ben, flirty and odd as he is, still has that innocence about him - he's just the same as me. We're just kids messing around. We'd have fun together. But Matt...Matt's done with the messing around and having fun. He's already planning out his future. And he's planning me into it. He told me he wants to marry me once I'm 18 and he's out of college. And I'm just not ready to grow up that fast. I want to live a little, go to college, then maybe think about marrying someone. I want to fall in love, but I don't want to right now.
And I feel like since Matt's done all this before, he's two steps ahead and impatient to keep going, but I want to experience all I can first. And I think that's why I can't feel the same way about him that he feels about me. And I think that's why I love Ben so much. We're at the same level. But Matt's too far ahead.

I don't even know what to do about it. But I have to do something. Right now it's unfair to everybody involved.

Funny, right now who do I want to talk it all through with? Zach. I don't know if he'd be comforted or creeped out if I brought up the fact that I'm somewhat engaged to another guy. haha

oh well. It's just life, I'll figure it out in the end, hopefully.

~Jazz